In a stirring moment of national triumph, Donald Trump announced this morning that you can't impeach him because he's finally a war hero. In a press conference that was exactly as boastful and self-serving as you'd expect, the man who tweeted that Barack Obama deserved no credit for the killing of Osama bin Laden took a victory lap for his brilliant leadership in bringing about the death of ISIS founder and leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, who was killed by US special forces in a raid last night. Trump said he had watched the entire operation "like a movie" in the White House Situation Room, which isn't surprising since that's how President Chauncey Gardner experiences everything. He likes to watch.

Trump said al-Bahgdadi had blown himself and three of his children up with a suicide vest, and then the "president" made sure America knows what a complete girly-man the terrorist leader was, "whimpering and crying and screaming all the way." Trump returned to that theme again and again, because in pro wrestling and Trump's foreign policy, the bad guy isn't just defeated, he has to be emasculated. Also, Trump made sure to emphasize his military prowess by having ALL the flags behind him, whereas when Obama announced bin Laden's death, he didn't feel the need to wrap himself in borrowed military regalia:

Fortunately, some dipshit on Twitter explains that difference simply highlights how Obama made the announcement "all about himself":

Gosh, Trump sure is a model of humility.

Here's the full horror show, in which Trump manages to be an asshole at a time when maybe he coulda just announced what happened.

Trump confirms death of ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

Trump insisted that capturing or Killing al-Baghdadi had been his top foreign policy priority, which is why you won't find hardly any discussion of it prior to today, because it was secret. He said that while al-Baghdadi's body was mutilated in the blast, DNA testing had confirmed his identity. Then it was back to the ritual ridicule, insisting that al-Baghdadi, a "thug" who tried to intimidate people through terror, "spent his last moments in utter fear, in total panic and dread, terrified of the American forces bearing down on him." But wait, there's more! "Baghdadi was vicious and violent, and he died in a vicious and violent way, as a coward running and crying." Trump doesn't like crying, because it's unmanly, except when it's coming from an accused attempted rapist he's nominated to the Supreme Court.

Trump even got to use his favorite animal metaphor, too!

Baghdadi and the losers who worked for him, and losers they are, they had no idea what they were getting into. In some cases, they were very frightened puppies [...] He died like a dog. He died like a coward. The world is now a much safer place. God bless America.

Trump noted that no Americans were hurt in the operation, but that one of the special forces' K-9 dogs was injured, presumably like something other than a dog because that's a dishonorable thing. Dogs don't like Trump, either. (Incidentally, Defense Secretary Mark Esper told ABC's "This Week" that two soldiers received minor injuries but quickly returned to duty.)

Political scientist and terrorism expert Laila Wahedi tweeted Trump's ritual emasculation of al-Baghdadi is likely to be counterproductive, however good it made Trump feel:

During the Q&A that followed, the Great Man said he hadn't informed members of Congress about the raid in advance, because you know they'd just leak it. He graciously didn't say that's because they hate America, but left that obvious to all true patriots. He also thanked other countries for their assistance, and look who got mentioned first, because best. Russia's propaganda network sure noticed!

Incidentally, while Trump only thanked the Syrian Kurds for "certain support they were able to give us," the Kurdish-led Syrian Democratic Forces said its intelligence had been key to pinpointing al-Baghdadi. The SDF commander, Gen. Mazloum Abdi, tweeted, "For five months there has been joint intel cooperation on the ground and accurate monitoring, until we achieved a joint operation to kill Abu Bakir al-Bagdadi."

But you know how those people like to brag, unlike our brave humble president the war hero, who said he had personally hunting al-Baghdadi "since the first day" he'd come to office, and while the US had killed some ISIS leaders he'd never heard of, he was delighted to finally get al-Baghdadi -- who died "crying, whimpering, and screaming," in case nobody had heard that.

Trump also said the operation had no connection to his recent abandonment of the Kurds in northern Syria, and that he didn't at all regret that he gave the go-ahead for Turkey to invade and drive out the Kurds. Not that he framed it that way; it's just a thing that happened, and it wasn't any of America's business.

But he was clear that the US will leave troops in Syria for one purpose, even after betraying the Kurds, who lost 11,000 fighters, many of them women, battling ISIS for us. We get the oil!

We are leaving soldiers to secure the oil. And we may have to fight for the oil, that's OK. Maybe somebody else wants the oil, and in that case, they have a hell of a fight.

Trump explained that the US is "securing" the oil for two reasons, the first of which was clearly handed to him by an adviser: ISIS gets revenue from oil, so seizing Syrian oil fields stops ISIS. "We have taken it -- secured." Wasn't that a nice little mid-course edit?

He seemed to start the second reason for securing the oil, but forgot to state it until later. He said that if "someone else" lays claim to the oil, the US could negotiate, or bring "massive military power" to make sure we hold on to it. He later added, in response to another question, that second reason: seizing the oil would "help the Kurds," and even better, a third reason: "It can help us, because we should be able to take some also." He's still mad the US didn't take the oil in Iraq, so this is his chance to finally take the oil, somewhere.

Trump hared off on another digression about -- and this is a lie -- the "$8 trillion" he always says the US has spent in middle east wars, a number that's not really accurate (it includes projections of future costs), and seems to grow by an imaginary trillion dollars every year. In case you're paying attention.

Then Trump went straight back to trashing the Kurds, who until just three weeks ago were America's allies in the fight against ISIS. After all, his strongman buddy Recep Tayyip Erdogan, the Turkish president, says the Kurds are terrorists, so they must be terrorists. No, Trump had no regrets at all about abandoning the Kurds, because those people over there have been fighting for centuries. And then the orange motherfucker basically thanked the Turkish ethnic cleansing campaign for making it easier for him. Referring to the Kurds abandoning what had been a successful experiment in radical democracy in northern Syria, Trump said of the "agreement" the US and Turkey imposed on them,

The Kurds have worked along incredibly with us, but in all fairness, it was much easier dealing with the Kurds because they just went through three days of fighting, because that was a brutal three days.

He implied the Kurds otherwise wouldn't have voluntarily moved out of the territory Turkey wanted as a "safe zone" if the US had simply asked nicely for them, "Would you mind moving over, seven or eight miles?" Then Trump pushed Erdogan's view of the Kurds as dangerous terrorists:

Turkey has taken tremendous deaths from that part of the world. You know, we call it a 'safe zone,' but it was anything but a safe zone. Turkey has lost thousands and thousands of people from that safe zone. They've always wanted that safe zone, for many years, and I'm glad I was able to help them get it. But we don't want to be there [...] I want our soldiers home. Or fighting something that's meaningful.

Again, that's more revisionism; Turkey is the only country that ever said that territory should be a Turkish-controlled "safe zone." The silly Kurds, who did the major work of fighting ISIS in Syria, thought it was their home, but that wasn't meaningful, you see.

In conclusion, it is a great day for America, and now you have to worship the Great Leader for his victory.

And now we can wait to find out from others who took part in the raid and were in the Situation Room just how many lies Trump told. We're already beginning to see evidence that, no, he didn't watch it in real time, imagine that! SEE UPDATE BELOW.

UPDATE/CORRECTION: It turns out that there's no discrepancy between the timestamp on the photo and the time of the raid: Twitter got ahead of reality, as will happen, and Politifact has teased out the reality. So while the Trump situation room photo may be badly posed, there's no evidence it was staged, or that Trump was golfing during the raid. Wonkette regrets the error, and we apologize for having contributed to the spread of incorrect information.

As for the folks on Twitter saying they think the whole thing is made up, we doubt Trump is capable of getting the entire military to invent an entire raid in a Wag the Dog scenario. Far more typical of him to embellish all the details and then accuse anyone who says otherwise of being a deep state plant who hates America.


The breaking news means that we'll be doing our Wonkette Book Club next week. So you still have time to grab a copy of Margaret Atwood's Handmaid's Tale sequel, The Testaments, and read the first half, through Part XV, "Fox and Cat," for Sunday November 3. We'll finish the novel in two weeks, on November 10.

Also, Robyn will have an Open Thread up for you all in a while!

[WaPo / CBS News / Atlantic / NYT / Update: Politifact]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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