Don't you want to phone chat with this guy?

Donald Trump got out his "president" phone last Saturday and used his tiny hands to dial the prime minister of "Australia," a country that is highly over-rated and features kangaroos. Also it is one of America's staunchest allies. So obviously the call did not go well, because Donald Trump is a fucking buffoon. Tell us, Washington Post, what had happened was?

It should have been one of the most congenial calls for the new commander in chief — a conversation with the leader of Australia, one of America’s staunchest allies, at the end of a triumphant week.

Hahahahaha, that is the lede. COULDA SHOULDA WOULDA! In other words, if ANY OTHER PERSON was president of America, it would have been all "G'day!" and "G'day back!" and they would have organized state visits and stuff. It's AUSTRALIA, for god's sake. But no:

Instead, President Trump blasted Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull over a refu­gee agreement and boasted about the magnitude of his electoral college win, according to senior U.S. officials briefed on the Saturday exchange. Then, 25 minutes into what was expected to be an hour-long call, Trump abruptly ended it.

Oh. For. God's. Sake. According to WaPo, Trump said that out of all the phone calls that day, his Australian one was "the worst call so far." And he even talked to Putin that day! Of course, for Trump, talking to Putin is basically phone sex (allegedly!), so we understand why he ranked that higher than Australia.

So what was up Trump's ass? Apparently Dumb Barry Obama made some terrible deal ("the worst deal," according to Trump) to accept some refugees from Australia, and Trump is a fucking racist who doesn't like refugees. Here's how Pussgrab tried to spin that Wednesday night on Twitter when this story came out:

Oh, Trump, let's not pretend you have the attention span to "study" this, so we'll CliffsNotes it for you: Bamz agreed to vet and accept 1,250 refugees, not illegal immigrants, REFUGEES. Those are actually different things.

WaPo reports Trump was joined on the call by President Steve Bannon, crazy pants National Security Adviser Michael Flynn, and walking diaper rash Sean Spicer, because who wouldn't want to talk on the phone to all those human dental dams at one time?

According to the White House, Trump was very sweepy at the time:

He needed to be burped, his Pull-Ups were full of poo, and he wanted to watch Dora instead of talking to the yucky Australian foreign man. Happens to all toddlers and 45th presidents of the United States.

Also, the "end of a long day" was "at 5 p.m." But Hillary Clinton died of rickets during the campaign. TWICE. So we dodged that bullet!

At least Trump didn't threaten to invade Australia. He did that to Mexico.

President Donald Trump warned in a phone call with his Mexican counterpart that he was ready to send U.S. troops to stop "bad hombres down there" unless the Mexican military does more to control them — comments the White House described as "lighthearted."

HA HA! Funny joke from man who might be mentally ill, who happens to have the American nuclear codes! HA HA!

"You have a bunch of bad hombres down there," Trump told Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto, according to the excerpt given to the AP. "You aren't doing enough to stop them. I think your military is scared. Our military isn't, so I just might send them down to take care of it."

This call happened Friday, the day before the Australia phone call. We don't know if Trump needed a nap or his daily spankings, or if he was in a good mood. We can confirm, though, that he was an idiot that day, because he's an idiot every day.

Mexico denied that the conversation went so poorly, as did the White House originally, but as you can see in that statement above, America is now admitting that yes, dipshit said that stuff, but he was just fooling. And hey, maybe it WAS just a great big knee-slapper shared between two world leaders, neither of whom had just canceled a state visit to the other's country THAT SAME WEEK over how one of them wants to make the other pay for a border wall between the two nations.

We don't know how Trump would suggest taking care of the "bad hombres" in Mexico, or what his plan would be to weed out the rapists from the rest of the Mexican people -- who are such good people, the best people, Trump loves the rest of the people so much he hires them to make taco bowls for him -- but we imagine it'd probably be at least as good as his plan to take out ISIS. Or his Yemen raid.

Or his Black History Month speech.

We're so fucked.

[Washington Post / AP]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Photo by Daniel Stockman, Creative Commons license 2.0

It's Sunday, and that means it's time for a break from the ongoing grind of awfulness out there. Let's dive into some cool, funny, thoughtful stuff to fortify ourselves before we get back to the daily madness, shall we?

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After watching President Arty McDeals twist in the wind for a month, IRL politician Mitch McConnell finally decided to throw the mook a lifeline. Despite constant screaming about women with duct tape over their mouths, Trump is getting blamed for the shutdown and even his own supporters are starting to turn on him. So Ol' Yertle summoned Mike Pence and Jared Kushner to his chambers for some #RealTalk.

"Tell Donald that he has to offer something so it looks like the Democrats are the ones who won't compromise." He said. (Probably.)

"That's great," squeaked young Jared (allegedly), "Democrats are desperate. We've got them right where we want them." McConnell blinked hard.

"No, Jared," he probably said. "They're not going to take the deal. We'd have more luck getting Mexico to pay for it. The point is to offer something silly so they turn us down, and then we try to convince the public that the shutdown is Democrats' fault."

"I don't get it," said Jared (allegedly), as Mother's boy Pence furrowed his brow and sighed through his nose. (Not allegedly, it's his signature move.)

"I know," Mitch might have said. "Believe me, I know."

Which is how President Teleprompter wound up giving a MAJOR ADDRESS yesterday offering to hold off on deporting some of the Dream Act kids for a hot second if Democrats will just give him $5.7 billion for WALL and let him expel future child arrivals without a hearing. Trump himself rescinded protections for up to a million immigrants brought here as kids as soon as he took office, but he'll let some of those hostages go if Democrats will just give him cash for that WALL that Mexico is "indirectly" paying for. Heck, he'll even let 300,000 people who fled war and natural disasters and put down roots here over decades to stay a little longer, if that's what it takes. He plans to deport them all in three years anyway, or else use them for another round of hostage negotiations. (If we re-elect That Orange Idiot, spit on the ground/sign of the horns/God forbid.)

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