Donald Trump Releases 'Plan' To Do Healthcare To America, And It's Adorable

Yeah, think we'll pass, thanks

Donald Trump has been saying for some time that when he is president, he will do the best healthcare to America, it will be so great, you don't even know. And we didn't even know, because he didn't have much to say about it, other than "repeal Obamacare" and some impressively incoherent nonsense words, in the most recent Republican debate , that we will "keep pre-existing conditions." We've had a week to think about it, and no, that still doesn't make any sense.

But at least now the Donald has released his "plan," and it's a glorious pixelated trash fire of dumb. We assumea note from Trump's physician is forthcoming, explaining how this is the greatest healthcare plan in the history of America. Don your flame-retardant swimsuits, and let's dive in!

Since March of 2010, the American people have had to suffer under the incredible economic burden of the Affordable Care Act—Obamacare.

It's a strong opener, sure. Although the American people don't seem to think they are suffering under Obamacare, what with the millions of Americans who've had healthcare access for the first time in their lives, and the huge drop in medical expenses, and the fucktrillion other ways Obamacare has Made America Pretty Great Already, Thanks.

On day one of the Trump Administration, we will ask Congress to immediately deliver a full repeal of Obamacare.

However, it is not enough to simply repeal this terrible legislation. We will work with Congress to make sure we have a series of reforms ready for implementation that follow free market principles and that will restore economic freedom and certainty to everyone in this country.

These are some great ideas that we have never heard from every other Republican, 37 hours a day, every day since Obamacare was signed into law. If we just get rid of the Affordable Care Act and replace it with "free market principles," that ought to take care of everyone's healthcare needs because it worked so well before. But how is Trump's 7-point plan different from all other plans? Oh, it's not, so let's sum up real quick-like:

• "Completely repeal Obamacare."Right. Got it. Got it the first time, the second time, the all the times. Repeal Obamacare and let Americans go back to the glorious pre-Obamacare days, when they went bankrupt from medical expenses even if they had insurance. Or they just flat out died if they couldn't get insurance because there was no law (called Obamacare) that required insurance companies to cover people even if they were sick.

• "Modify existing law that inhibits the sale of health insurance across state lines."Republicans passionately believe that if insurance companies are allowed to sell crappy plans across state lines, that will something something magic free market something. So if you live in, say, Wyoming, you can buy a crap plan from Texas or Florida -- so long as the insurer thinks you're worth covering. It might be cheaper than a crap plan in Wyoming. Think of the savings! There's no guarantee that it won't be a crap plan, because there is no law (called Obamacare) that requires plans to not be crap. But at least you can send your premium checks to a different state, won't that be exciting for you?

• "Allow individuals to fully deduct health insurance premium payments from their tax returns under the current tax system."Nothing treats cancer better than tax deductions for rich people, who are the people who benefit the most from tax deductions and don't help low-income people, like, at all. But as we know, when it comes to Republican policy, that's the point. And really, don't poors prefer a healthcare system that lets riches take bigger deductions instead of one that provides subsidies for healthcare coverage for those folks who reallydoneed the savings? That's rhetorical. Don't bother answering.

• "Allow individuals to use Health Savings Accounts (HSAs)."They already can. We have one ourselves, to go along with the health insurance plan we purchased through the exchange made available thanks to Obamacare. Next?

• "Require price transparency from all healthcare providers, especially doctors and healthcare organizations like clinics and hospitals."Yup, see, if you can just shop around for the cheapest radiology lab in town, just think of all the money you'll save before you die from cancer because no insurance company will cover you!

• "Block-grant Medicaid to the states."States already do control Medicaid. Some states, like Florida, have decided not to expand Medicaid access to more of their citizens, which is something Obamacare allows them to do. Some states, like Texas, would rather lose Medicaid dollars than allow their low-income citizens to get pap smears at Planned Parenthood. Those states suck and are terrible and should die in a fire.

• "Remove barriers to entry into free markets for drug providers that offer safe, reliable and cheaper products."If you could see us right now, you'd see us rolling our eyes and making the international gesture for jerking our dicks because we are pretty goddamned good and sure that the way to improve healthcare in America isnotby allowing pharmaceutical companies to do whatever the hell they want, even more than they already do. See, for example, notorious pharma douchebro Martin Shkreli , who jacked the price of a life-saving drug by 5000 percent so he could get even richer off sick people. We definitely need more freedom for people like that.

You'll be completely not shocked at all to know that Trump's plan fails to address how he will "keep pre-existing conditions." It does, however, include a nice jab at one of his favorite punching bags, and we're not talking about Jeb Bush:

Providing healthcare to illegal immigrants costs us some $11 billion annually. If we were to simply enforce the current immigration laws and restrict the unbridled granting of visas to this country, we could relieve healthcare cost pressures on state and local governments.

So if we just get rid of Obamacare, and those damned illegals, and let insurance companies and the pharmaceutical industry have even more free market freedom, that will make America ... well, that will probably make America miss the hell out of Obamacare. Maybe we should just stick with that.

[ Donald J. Trump ]