Donald Trump Showers Us With Deranged Nonsense At Milwaukee Rally
Donald Trump held a rally in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Tuesday night. It's one of the "battleground states" the president needs to hold if he wants to keep torturing us for another four years. NPR claimed Trump's speech "ranged widely," and it truly was a variety pack of crazy. He talked about dishwashers -- dishwashers, y'all -- like your angry grandfather who is both senile and a racist.
TRUMP: I'm also approving new dishwashers that give you more water so you can actually wash and rinse your dishes without having to do it 10 times -- five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10.
I can believe that if Trump ever actually came face-to-face with a dishwasher in his ridiculous, pampered life, he probably lost the encounter. This might explain his vendetta. The Department of Energy does regulate how much water dishwashers can use, and Trump hates regulations because he's a Republican and an old man, which is functionally the same thing.
The unfrozen caveman president also struggles with other modern household appliances and thinks we should know about it. This was less a rally than an uncomfortable nursing home visit with a fading loved one.
TRUMP: Sinks, toilets, and showers‚ you don't get any water. They put restrictors on now they made them permanent. People used to take them out. Try going and buying a new faucet. You turn it on, no water comes out, right? You go into a shower, and I have this beautiful head of hair, I need a lot of water. You turn on the water. Drip. Drip. Drip. I call the guy, "Is there something wrong with this?" "No sir, it's just the restrictor." So you're in there five times longer than you're supposed to be, you use probably more water and it's a very unpleasant experience. We're getting rid of the restrictors, you're going to have full shower flow, full sink.
The audience of red shirts devoured Trump's word salad. They laughed and cheered. They weren't even seeing Cats while stoned. Trump's know-nothing posturing delights his supporters, but it's not random gibberish. The Trump administration is working to roll back environmental regulations in pursuit of instant gratification. This just isn't America if you can't run a full dishwasher cycle between courses at your next dinner party. You could serve everyone with just two plates. It's not just wasteful. Actual professionals in the home appliance industry point out that weakening these standards would only lead to "additional costs for manufacturers and, ultimately, consumers."
We were promised a "wide-ranging" speech, though, and Trump delivered. He compared his "perfect" Ukrainian shakedown phone call to those of "tough guy" Lyndon Johnson. There is, of course, no evidence that President Johnson extorted foreign leaders for his own political gain. He probably just swore a lot at whoever was on the other end of the line before enjoying a refreshing, regulation-free shower. Trump also "joked" that LBJ is "looking up" from hell, just like he suggested last month about recently deceased John Dingell Jr. Trump probably hopes there's a full house of interesting in people in hell so he won't be lonely.
Trump defended the killing of Iranian Gen. Qasem Soleimani, which may yet blunder us into war. He insisted it didn't matter if Soleimani posed an "imminent threat" because his body count was already in the "hundreds of thousands." (That seems high.) That's not how this sort of thing works, but we shouldn't expect Trump to understand. He's going to bomb dishwashers next. He also confessed to more war crimes, bragging about how he'd "kept the oil" from Syria. Oh, and he went after public enemy number one, Hillary Clinton. The ghouls in the audience shouted, "Lock her up!" and he responded "Should be!" Trump is currently impeached and most of the people he knows are in jail. Clinton's not the problem.
It's astonishing to contrast this with Tuesday's Democratic debate. The candidates might denounce Trump, but there is an overall cautiousness within the party about running against him. Democrats act like Trump is a cross between Ronald Reagan and Ivan Drago. We can't risk pitting some wide-eyed liberal who doesn't rant about low-flow toilets against this unstoppable electoral behemoth. They might have a point. No less a reliable source than Trump himself claims black voters are abandoning Democrats in droves. It must be the dishwashers.
TRUMP: We are a big party of big ideas and that's why African-Americans are joining the Republican Party like no one ever thought even possible. They love us and we love them.
This isn't true, but you already know that because Trump said it out loud at his rally.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).