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What he does when he's lonely.


Actions have consequences. Donald Trump decided to run for president, and with the help of Russia and probably the FBI, he won a historic victory, by getting three million fewer votes than the girl who ran against him. So this means that now, having been inaugurated president, he has moved into a house all by himself in Washington D.C., a city that hates him more than his hometown of New York City. His wife Melania has expressed no interest in moving to DC, and we believe her when she says she's doing it because the most important thing is for her to be a mom to little Barron. We would also believe her if she said, "FINALLY GOD HAS ANSWERED MY PRAYER TO SEND DONALD AWAY FROM ME," in her trademark Slovenian accent. Her approval ratings would go through the roof.

So, as CNN reports, Trump is alone. All he's got is his Twitter, but he can't touch the people on Twitter. He'd like to touch some of them, probably, you know, some of the ladies who have the pussies. But he can't. During the day he's fine, as he signs a million executive orders (Wednesday's fun involved beginning his purge of Mexicans and Muslims!), destroying the fabric of this nation so quickly that Putin and Hitler's ghost have got to be proud. But otherwise, SO RONE-RY.

So basically this means everybody is invited over to Netflix and chill with Trump, like all the time, as long as they are nice to him:

The President is going to start hitting the Washington dinner party circuit. In most cases, actually, his guests will come to him as he tries building bridges in a city that he has spent years railing against. [...]

The President's aides have one thing in mind as he adjusts to his new surroundings: keeping the boss busy.

We KNOW what happens when Trump doesn't have enough to occupy his time. He bitches and moans on Twitter, howls at celebrities like Meryl Streep, visits the land of make believe to pretend TEN MILLION people showed up to the inauguration and he won the popular vote, and sometimes, he sees something on TV that pisses him off/he doesn't understand, so in the wee hours of the morning, he threatens martial law or decides to tank a company's stocks. And all because he has no friends, and literally if Kellyanne Conway has to play Chutes & Ladders (and let him win) ONE. MORE. FUCKING. TIME. she is going to blow this joint and take up hard liquor and telling the truth.

So Trump will invite everybody over for dinner all the time. As CNN reports, Kellyanne Conway says he'll even invite the media to dinner, probably because he knows they're exhausted and will take the free meals, and maybe they will even be nice to him once they've had the experience of dining with Trump while he talks about himself the whole time. Sounds great.

President Barack Obama left the Oval Office punctually for dinner with his young family on most nights, before returning to work later in the evening. President George W. Bush started and ended his days far earlier.

Yeah, those guys had lives. Not so, Donald Trump. He could always go to Kalorama some nights and see his sexxxy daughter Ivanka and her sexxxy husband Jared, but that probably leaves the president feeling empty inside, due to how Ivanka and Jared really love each other and play with their kids, even if they're both pure godforsaken evil at heart.

So he will invite people over. Hey, random person, wanna go eat dinner with the president? And when the guests depart for the evening, the shadows will come again, like they've come every night for years, and Trump will cry himself to sleep as the voices in his head grow clamorous: "YOU SUUUUUUUCK, YOU'RE A LOOOOOOSER. EVERYBODY HAAAAAAATES YOU."

And then he'll do it all again the next day, and the day after that, and however many days after that until he's driven out of office with his sad tail between his weak legs.

[CNN]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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FINALLY. Of course, we say "finally," because we haven't been behind the scenes in the House Judiciary and Intelligence committees to witness the negotiating and wrangling firsthand, so we don't know what it's taken to make this happen, but clear your calendars for July 17, because Bobby Mueller is goin' to Congress!

Committee chairs Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler sent the letter late yesterday, accompanied by a subpoena, for Mueller to testify at 9 a.m. Eastern on July 17, which is a Wednesday, so you will presumably not be busy with brunch. The hearings for each committee will be back to back, after which members of Mueller's staff will meet with committee staff behind closed doors.

Schiff told Rachel Maddow last night that it should not be viewed as a friendly subpoena, because as we all know, Mueller has been very reluctant to become the star of the political circus this will surely create. However, he's gonna have to suck it up, because as we all saw after what happened when Mueller addressed the nation for 10 whole minutes, there is great value in actually having Mueller breathe life into his own work, for an American audience that hasn't read his 448-page report. (And we don't blame them/you! We probably wouldn't have read it all if it wasn't our job. It would probably be on our "list," like "someday I am going to watch 'The Sopranos' start to finish finally. And then I will read the Mueller Report!")

Point is, it needs to happen on live TV, where people can gather around at work and on the train and in the Fantastic Sams while they gets their hair did, and let this highly respected public servant tell the story of how America's most hostile enemy attacked the 2016 election in order to help Donald Trump, how the Trump campaign was positively orgasmic over that reacharound, and how Trump criminally obstructed the investigation into that hostile foreign attack at every turn.

And because Robert Mueller is a patriotic American who respects the rule of law and our institutions, he will be complying with the subpoena, because of fucking course he will.

Right off the bat, we have a couple of questions:

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Beds at the 'temporary' shelter in Homestead, Florida. US HHS photo.

The House of Representatives passed a $4.5 billion emergency bill to fund detention of undocumented immigrants and asylum seekers yesterday, but the bill's demands that government meet minimal standards of humane treatment led Donald Trump to threaten a veto, because no one puts cruelty in a corner. The bill passed largely along party lines, 230-195, with four progressive Democratic first-term representatives opposing it because they believed the machinery of the New Cruelty shouldn't get a single dollar more. Trump prefers a bill already passed by the Senate, which would provide a similar level of funding $4.6 billion), but lacks the House bill's crazy radical requirements that migrants be held in less horrifying conditions than have been reported in the last week.

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