Donald Trump Sooooooo Lonely, Won't You Come Over And Play With Him?

What he does when he's lonely.

Actions have consequences. Donald Trump decided to run for president, and with the help of Russia and probably the FBI, he won a historic victory, by getting three million fewer votes than the girl who ran against him. So this means that now, having been inaugurated president, he has moved into a house all by himself in Washington D.C., a city that hates him more than his hometown of New York City. His wife Melania has expressed no interest in moving to DC, and we believe her when she says she's doing it because the most important thing is for her to be a mom to little Barron. We would also believe her if she said, "FINALLY GOD HAS ANSWERED MY PRAYER TO SEND DONALD AWAY FROM ME," in her trademark Slovenian accent. Her approval ratings would go through the roof.

So, as CNN reports, Trump is alone. All he's got is his Twitter, but he can't touch the people on Twitter. He'd like to touch some of them, probably, you know, some of the ladies who have the pussies. But he can't. During the day he's fine, as he signs a million executive orders (Wednesday's fun involved beginning his purge of Mexicans and Muslims!), destroying the fabric of this nation so quickly that Putin and Hitler's ghost have got to be proud. But otherwise, SO RONE-RY.

So basically this means everybody is invited over to Netflix and chill with Trump, like all the time, as long as they are nice to him:

The President is going to start hitting the Washington dinner party circuit. In most cases, actually, his guests will come to him as he tries building bridges in a city that he has spent years railing against. [...]

The President's aides have one thing in mind as he adjusts to his new surroundings: keeping the boss busy.

We KNOW what happens when Trump doesn't have enough to occupy his time. He bitches and moans on Twitter, howls at celebrities like Meryl Streep, visits the land of make believe to pretend TEN MILLION people showed up to the inauguration and he won the popular vote, and sometimes, he sees something on TV that pisses him off/he doesn't understand, so in the wee hours of the morning, he threatens martial law or decides to tank a company's stocks. And all because he has no friends, and literally if Kellyanne Conway has to play Chutes & Ladders (and let him win) ONE. MORE. FUCKING. TIME. she is going to blow this joint and take up hard liquor and telling the truth.

So Trump will invite everybody over for dinner all the time. As CNN reports, Kellyanne Conway says he'll even invite the media to dinner, probably because he knows they're exhausted and will take the free meals, and maybe they will even be nice to him once they've had the experience of dining with Trump while he talks about himself the whole time. Sounds great.

President Barack Obama left the Oval Office punctually for dinner with his young family on most nights, before returning to work later in the evening. President George W. Bush started and ended his days far earlier.

Yeah, those guys had lives. Not so, Donald Trump. He could always go to Kalorama some nights and see his sexxxy daughter Ivanka and her sexxxy husband Jared, but that probably leaves the president feeling empty inside, due to how Ivanka and Jared really love each other and play with their kids, even if they're both pure godforsaken evil at heart.

So he will invite people over. Hey, random person, wanna go eat dinner with the president? And when the guests depart for the evening, the shadows will come again, like they've come every night for years, and Trump will cry himself to sleep as the voices in his head grow clamorous: "YOU SUUUUUUUCK, YOU'RE A LOOOOOOSER. EVERYBODY HAAAAAAATES YOU."

And then he'll do it all again the next day, and the day after that, and however many days after that until he's driven out of office with his sad tail between his weak legs.

[ CNN ]