Trump Brings Back 1993 Vince Foster Suicide Conspiracies, Toe Rings Not Far Behind
Oh, hello! Didn't see you there! I was just writing some Bikini Kill lyrics on my Converse All-Stars that were made here in America, while referring to the kids who think Green Day is punk rock as "poseurs," carrying a "Welcome Back Kotter" lunch box as a purse and patiently waiting for the Kool-Aid to dye my hair blue, which it never will because the instructions in Sassy did not account for dark brown hair. Here, sit down on this plastic inflatable chair and make yourself comfortable, and avail yourself of a delicious bottle of Clearly Canadian. Because apparently it's 1993 all over again, bitches, and that is how we do things around here.
Donald Trump is bringing it back to the '90s by attacking Hillary Clinton with the decades-old conspiracy theory that she and Bill Clinton totally murdered Vince Foster. Which he described as "very fishy" in an interview with the Washington Post:
One issue on Trump’s radar is the 1993 death of Foster, which has been ruled a suicide by law enforcement officials and a subsequent federal investigation. But some voices on the far right have long argued that the Clintons may have been involved in a conspiracy that led to Foster’s death.
When asked in an interview last week about the Foster case, Trump dealt with it as he has with many edgy topics — raising doubts about the official version of events even as he says he does not plan to talk about it on the campaign trail.
He called theories of possible foul play “very serious” and the circumstances of Foster’s death “very fishy.”
“He had intimate knowledge of what was going on,” Trump said, speaking of Foster’s relationship with the Clintons at the time. “He knew everything that was going on, and then all of a sudden he committed suicide.”
OK, so, according to a bunch of idiots, Vince Foster was supposedly the SECRET LOVER that Hillary Clinton had even though the same people who believe this also believe/d she was/is a SECRET LESBIAN. In actuality, dude just committed suicide, and this was proven by a three-year investigation into the matter led by none other than Kenneth Starr. Whom we are just going to guess was not trying to cover anything up for the Clintons. It's been debunked like 47,000 times, and yet people still believe this. We would be very surprised by that, were it not for the myriad videos on YouTube in which people rant about the earth being flat.
Of course, during the '90s, the Clinton conspiracies were a-swirling, and like, basically if anyone they stood in line with at the DMV died, wacky people on the Right would be all like "MURDERRRRRRR!" about things. No, really -- there was this whole "Clinton Body Count" conspiracy where people thought Bill Clinton had over 60 people murdered in order to get ahead. They also thought he somehow shot Ron Brown, a guy who died in a plane crash, and Mary Mahoney, a White House intern who died in a shooting in a Starbucks. SO CRAFTY!
Trump has stated, recently, that his planned tactic for dealing with Clinton will be bringing up this, and Whitewater, and Benghazi and all the other Clinton conspiracies. Why? Not because he wants to, or even because he personally believes them but because “They said things about [him] which were very nasty" and he has no choice but to fight back in this way. Given that he is super buddies with Alex Jones and considers him a "nice guy" with "an amazing reputation," he may well be on his way to accusing the Clintons of being lizard people who killed Kurt Cobain and do Satanic ritual abuse things in underground tunnels at daycare centers run by the Bohemian Grove and the Bilderberg Group. We hope he continues on this path, as it worked out so well for Republicans back in the '90s.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse