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BEST BRAIN BEST WORDS


Know that thing when Donald Trump sits with a journalist and unleashes so many thousands of (ALLEGEDLY) dementia words that you can't even cover it in one Wonkette blog post? This is that thing. As we told you this morning, Trump sat down with the Wall Street Journal, presumably to continue his campaign of proving to the world that his brain isn't disintegrating into a pile of orange foundation and shame. The news kind of got buried because the president, who is not only dumb and insane, but also a white supremacist, started caterwauling about (not white) immigrants who come to America from "shithole" nations, as opposed to the "good" kind, the white kind, that leaves ... Norway? ... for a ... better? ... life. Sure Donald, Norwegians are just jizzing in their showshoes to come to America now that you are president. MMHMM YOU BET.

Anyway, here is another fucking crazy post about the WSJ interview. You'd think Trump had been left alone with the reporters without adult supervision, but WSJ says Hope Hicks, Sarah Huckabee "Poot Lips" Sanders and Gary Cohn were in the room. So to be clear, this is Trump WITH BABYSITTERS.

Whereas yr Wonkette Five Dollar Feminist gave you bunches of crazy-ass Trump quotes on many subjects, we will tell you the things Trump said about the Russia investigation. He might as well have looked at the reporter and said, "THE RUSSIAN COLLUSION IS NOT IN THE TRUNK. EVERYBODY AGREES IT'S NOT IN THE TRUNK. EVEN DEMOCRATS, THEY SAY THIS AND THAT BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION, BUT THEY COME OUT OF THE COMMITTEES AND SAY THERE'S NO RUSSIAN COLLUSION IN THE TRUNK. SO WHY WOULD ROBERT MUELLER LOOK IN THE TRUNK WHEN EVERYBODY AGREES THERE'S NOTHING IN THE TRUNK?"

Oh, you think we're kidding?

We are, in fact, not kidding! Get a load of Trump's newest explanation for why his son, Dipfuck Junior, met with all those Russians in Trump Tower:

My son had a brief meeting based on the fact that he thought whatever he thought.

Well that does sound like Don Jr.!

Remember, Donald, you have a meeting to get to after this.

I DO???????

White House official: Excuse me, I just—we have about two or three minutes left and you’ve got to go to a meeting.

Mr. Trump: Oh I do?

White House official: Yes, you have an 11:15. So, I can push it about five minutes, but that’s all we’ve got. So you’re running out of time.

Anyway, BACK TO RUSSIA.

Adam Schiff is a giant crimer, because here is why:

... [L]ook, all I see of these Democrats, like Adam Schiff —- it’s all he does, he’ll have a meeting, and then he’ll leave, and he’ll call up the meeting, and then I’ll have a meeting and then he’ll leave. He left meetings where people are being interviewed, and then all of a sudden they say a story about what’s going on inside the meetings.

It’s probably illegal, what he’s doing.

That DOES sound like a crime!

But the Democrats know it’s a hoax. It’s an excuse for them having lost the election. They know it’s a hoax.

Weird, he said that same thing with the Norwegian prime minister, and also one million other times. It's like he's memorized a few phrases about Russia, phrases that are easy to remember, phrases that give him comfort in this big bright scary world where you don't recognize people you've known for years, ALLEGEDLY.

... [T]hey realize there’s no collusion whatsoever. There’s no collusion.

We've heard.

Hey Donald, was there collusion?

I also think that primary collusion, because there was no collusion on our side, the collusion was on the Democrat side with the Russians.

Oh.

And what went on with the FBI, where a man is tweeting to his lover that if she loses, we’ll essentially go back to the—we’ll go to the insurance policy, which is—if they lose, we’ll go to phase 2, and we’ll get this guy out of office.

I mean, this is the FBI we’re talking about. I think that is—that is treason. See, that’s treason right there. ... By the way, that’s a treasonous act. What he tweeted to his lover is a treasonous act.

Yes, the Constitutional definition of treason does include a paragraph about sexting.

(We've already covered the sexting "treason" thing Emperor Pussgrab is dementia-splaining, in detail. Suffice it to say he's full of shit, but please note that Donald Trump has just accused a career FBI official of treason.)

So, will Trump interview with Robert Mueller, like he has said he would, except for the other day he said probably not because NO COLLUSION NO INTERVIEW?

Look, there has never been in the history of this country an administration that, number one, did nothing wrong ...

Oh god, stop talking.

There has never been a more— they said, “You never did anything wrong.” To be honest, they probably were surprised, OK? As most lawyers would be. They said, “You never did anything wrong.”

We bet his dumb lawyers said it just like that.

Where's the Russia, Donald? Is it in your phone calls? Is it in your Twitter?

I never got a phone call from Russia. I didn’t have a tweet. I didn’t have a -- I had nothing. I didn’t have an email. I didn’t have a meeting. I didn’t have -- did I have one meeting with -- about Russia? And...

OK, so no collusion, no collusion, you are the collusion. But what about obstruction of justice, Donald?

So, they make up a crime, and the crime doesn’t exist. And then they say obstruction. And how could there be obstruction on firing Comey? When the man who’s in charge of it wrote a letter that was far stronger than anything I would have written. He was in charge— Deputy Rosenstein. He wrote a letter that’s far stronger than even what I say.

Right. Rosenstein took the original letter Trump and Stephen Miller wrote on construction paper with magic markers and glitter, the one that said "FIRIN' THE FUCKER BECAUSE OF RUSSIA," and then he made up a whole new bullshit letter full of bullshit excuses about how Comey was UNFAIR TO HILLARY. (Which: true.) We still don't know why he did that.

And here’s another thing.

Oh God bless, another thing? Yes, and it may be the single strangest word association mouth ejaculation in the entire interview:

Comey. Comey has proven to be a liar and a leaker. Proven. He tries to act like a choir boy. What he did with Hillary Clinton is outrageous. He saved her life, because all of those charges—I call it “Comey one, two, and three,” all of those charges and Comey won, she was guilty of. She should have been taken out of the campaign and been on trial.

He didn’t do that. He saved her life. But here’s the way you look at Comey. Everybody hated Comey, and Comey—by the way, the FBI, say what you want, go back to look at the day around Hillary—the FBI was in turmoil. Everybody hated Comey. The Democrats wanted him fired. Everybody wanted him out. You look at what Schumer said about him, you look at what everybody said. As soon as I fired him they said, “oh, he’s wonderful—he’s wonderful, how could you do that.”

So there’s no—you have a no -- crime that was created, you have a phony crime and then they talk about obstruction. And how can they talk about obstruction when I was the most open person, in history, in terms of -- there’s never been a paper we didn’t give them, there’s never been a question we didn’t answer.

Now, I could of [sic] done it differently. I’ve been, you know, pretty successful in the courts over the years, I’ve been a very successful person, you can check—USA Today said, “he does great in the courts,” OK?

We ... I ... Comey saved Hillary's life? ... "Comey one, two, and three"? ... most open person IN HISTORY? ... he does great in the courts ... WHAT?

Trump finished that series of thoughts by literally repeating all of them. ALL OF THEM.

Remember, Donald, you have a meeting to get to after this.

I DO???????

WSJ: How about a welfare and a tax question real quick before we wrap it up?

Mr. Trump: Yeah, go ahead.

Unknown: Yeah, let’s finish on that and then you really do have to go, you’ve got a Roosevelt Room full of people waiting for you. So go ahead.

Mr. Trump: I do?

Unknown: Yes, you do.

Dead. We are dead now. Wonkette is now dead because Donald Trump killed us with his best words and his very good brain.

RIP WONKETTE.

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[Wall Street Journal]

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Let's take a break from the awful terrible news for a moment and check in with Donald Trump Jr. and his unfortunate face. As you may remember, Junior and his wife Vanessa are getting divorced, probably because Vanessa Trump is tired of waking up from nightmares about being married to a guy with that face and immediately seeing him sleeping next to her in bed with that face just leaving imprints on their nice luxury pillows. And the divorce has apparently been getting DIRTY, because "somebody" has been leaking stories to the New York Post about how Vanessa Trump used to write love letters to her MS-13 boyfriend in jail and Vanessa Trump used to date 9/11 and Vanessa Trump doesn't need any Trump money because she is swimming in Marinara Buck$, and so on and so forth. Who is whispering these Vanessa Trump Secrets in the New York Post's ear? Definitely not Junior!

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House Republicans, apparently trying to remind America that they're capable of bad decisions on so many more issues than just immigration, have offered a bold new plan to balance the federal budget in just nine years, eschewing the usual 10-year timeline more typical of such rightwing wet dreams to prove they're serious this time. And what an exciting name the thing has: It's called "A Brighter American Future," and it offers such fresh new Republican ideas as massive cuts to Medicare, also privatizing Medicare, chopping Medicaid into little bits, and then stomping on the bits -- all assuming that they've, once again, repealed Obamacare.

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