Mr. Rogers liked to say "Look for the helpers," and on 9/11, that helper was definitely Donald Trump, who according to Donald Trump was just really fucking busy that day, helping. The president-in-name-only (PINO, but it's pronounced "peeno") explained this morning how helpful he was that day, and he explained it right to the faces of 9/11 first responders in the Rose Garden for his signing of the 9/11 victims' compensation funding bill the GOP had to be shamed into passing.

What happened on 9/11, Donald?

Many of those affected were firefighters, police officers and other first responders. And I was down there also. But I'm not considering myself a first responder. But I was down there. I spent a lot of time down there with you.

He's not saying he was a first responder. But many people are saying it more and more, that Donald Trump was literally a fireman that day, and a rubble-mover, and also a cop like Kamala. And if you didn't see him, well that is because he was wearing his F-35 airplane Underoo panties and was therefore literally invisible.

As Crooks and Liars notes, Trump loves to talk about the lifetime of service he lived on 9/11, as he dispatched men -- maybe 100, maybe 125, maybe one billion men -- to Ground Zero to dig through the rubble and whatnot. Sure, there may be literally zero evidence this actually happened, but who's to say none of that truly happened, at least in his heart?

Here's Trump talking in 2016 about the time he spent on 9/11 heaving chunks of rubble aside, with a force akin to God flinging openeth the sliding boulder door of his son Jesus's tomb, in order that our savior might be able to have the sort of indoor-outdoor living situation he was craving post-crucifixion.

Trump conceded that he only really moved boulders "a little bit" and mostly "watched," but that's just because he, who was basically the construction foreman of our entire American soul that day, was also watching other things, with his watchful eye:

  • He watched people jumping to their deaths from his apartment at Trump Tower, which is four miles away from the World Trade Center, on the opposite side of the island, which is #ScienceFact too far to actually see that.
  • He watched and saw how, once the second tower collapsed, he now owned the tallest building in lower Manhattan. How could he not notice? And how could he not say it on the radio that very morning? It was because he was watching.
  • He watched hundreds of his closest friends die that day, which would be incredibly sad and tragic if his campaign had been able to produce a single name of one of those alleged friends.
  • Because Donald Trump's eyes are very big and see way further than four puny miles, he watched all the way to Jersey City, where untold numbers -- maybe 15 billion, give or take? -- of Muslims spent the day dancing in the streets, because they were so happy about 9/11. This was quite a feat, considering how Trump was inside his apartment in Trump Tower at the time, while also sweating at Ground Zero as he hauled rubble, while also mourning the loss of all his friends, while also having a "whose dick is the biggest" contest between his lower Manhattan building and the smoldering ruins of the twin towers.

What a helper, indeed. How many absolutely fake stories about 9/11 would America have never heard, if it weren't for Donald Trump and his watchful eyes and his occasionally superhuman rubble-moving?

During the event in the Rose Garden today, Trump told a joke about "collapse," because "collapse" is a very funny joke to say at a 9/11 First Responders Event.

Get it? Collapse! Not falling very far! Why aren't you laughing at Trump's very good joke?

Fuck the president of the United States so very much. That's all we have to say. Good thing you have lots to say, because it's your OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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