Donald Trump Wishes We'd Invaded Mexico For Doing 9/11, Maybe

The Great American Hairball, Donald Trump, reportedly offered an amusing variation this weekend on his longstanding view that the Iraq War was a huge, not-classy mistake. At a meeting of the conservative Hollywood group "Friends of Abe" (Lincoln, not Vigoda), Trump explained what George W. Bush got wrong in the years after 9/11, according to LA Weekly:  

During a speech to Hollywood conservative group Friends of Abe last night the GOP presidential candidate said Iraq was a needed buffer against a hostile Iran and that it was wrong for the United States to have invaded Saddam Hussein's fiefdom.

"Instead," Trump told the crowd, “we should have invaded Mexico."

This was according to an attendee who wishes to remain anonymous. The remark was greeted with rousing applause, our source said.

The real estate mogul also said that, if he were elected to the highest office of the nation, he would "blow up the oil wells" that he believes sustain the Middle East terrorist group ISIS.

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Trump's strategic evaluation of how to beat ISIS marks something of an evolution in the man's -- we were going to say "thinking," but who are we kidding? -- position on Iraq's oil. In 2013, Trump suggested re-invading Iraq to "pay ourselves back," and still insists we should have just taken all the oil with us when we left, although apparently he never priced out the U-Haul charges for carrying off an entire nation's oil reserves. But now we need to bomb all of Iraq's oilfields, and that'll knock ISIS right out, easy-peasy, because then they'll have no more money. Trump reportedly confirmed the wisdom of this plan with his international policy adviser, 6-year-old Timmy Carruthers, who also suggested that Trump should make a big bad-guy-finder robot to capture or kill any ISIS fighters who remained.

Sadly, the anonymous attendee at the Friends Of Abe soiree didn't provide much more information on Trump's just-among-us-pals remarks, although the source did make some notes on the security and the guest list:

Our source said that Friends of Abe...rented out the hotel bar, patio, and lobby lounge to ensure privacy.

Even hotel guests, the witness said, were told they could not use the bar during the event.

Actor Nick Searcy of FX's Justified entered the dining room in a Mexican wrestling mask and told the invite-only crowd, "I had to wear this to get past ‘em." He was ostensibly referring to the pro-immigrant protesters outside, most of whom appeared to be Latino. The comment evoked laughter, our source said.

Author Ann Coulter, who has been equally if not more vicious on immigration, was in the audience, and Trump blew her a kiss from the podium, the witness said.

Lou Ferrigno, Paul Sorvino, and Morgan Brittany were spotted in the audience. Comedian Tom Dreesen introduced Trump but asked the audience to keep his own name out of it, we were told.

It would appear that Friends of Abe stalwart Clint Eastwood didn't show, but an empty chair did put in a brief appearance.

In other Trumpmania this weekend, Trump had a great big rally in Phoenix on Saturday, and we strongly recommend that you take a few minutes to read Rory Carroll's blisteringly funny account of the intense stupidity in The Guardian. There's just something about rallies in Arizona that brings out the funnymean in writers, we guess.

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One moment he bragged about his best-selling books, the next he vowed to zap Islamic State. Then he was talking about trade deals with Japan, Caterpillar trucks, golf balls, phone calls from Paris, Humvees, conversations with his wife, Sino-Russian relations, sanctuary cities, Hillary Clinton and his desire to send Sergeant Bowe Bergdahl, the US hostage traded for Taliban prisoners, back to Afghanistan.

“I went to the Wharton School of Business,” he noted several times. “I’m, like, a really smart person.”

We are inclined to believe that Donald Trump is indeed like a very smart person in that he is bipedal and capable of making sounds come out of his mouth-hole. Among his new policy ideas unveiled in Phoenix was a pledge to impose a fine of $100,000 on Mexico for each person who illegally crosses the southern border -- obviously, that Timmy Carruthers has been a busy lad. Trump proclaimed, “This has become a movement. This has become a movement because people don’t know what’s happening. We can’t be great if we don’t have a border.” Yes, that's Donald Trump saying that his "movement" is based on pure ignorance. (See how the liberal media distort his views?)

Carroll didn't have to look far to find some "real characters" amongst the Trumpetariat:

Supporters ranged from Tammie Malkow-Dunham, 46, a soft-spoken Canadian who resents people skipping the queue for citizenship, to Alice Novoa, a peroxide blonde in a star-and-stripes jacket who ranted about a Mexican plan to use immigrants as fifth columnists to invade and massacre US Christians.

There was also Rick Kral, 73, a retired electrical engineer, fretting about Islamist terrorists flocking through El Paso (“it’s on the internet”), and Diana Brest, 64, an unemployed former insurance worker who feared losing out in the job market to younger, bilingual people. “They need to be escorted off our land.”

Even so, as the rally emptied out, a few Trumpies may have begun wrestling with harsh realities:

“Presidential material? Huh. Do I have to answer that?” asked Joe Przybylo, 67, a retired postal worker. “I like the straight talking. It’s from the heart. But, you know, it can be a bit rough. Maybe he needs more work.”

Or maybe Trump just needs to get on Twitter and tell doubters like Joe Przybylo to get lost, since they're losers who don't understand America.

[ LA Weekly / The Guardian ]