Donald Trump Won The Fox News Republican Debate, By Not Showing Up
winner winner chicken dicker
[contextly_sidebar id="RnEGlQ9rCY3ngTvc8jJM6NEvI0a6puP5"]It's the morning after another fun-filled GOP debate extravaganza sexcitement night, are you still weak in the knees? No, you aren't, because that debate was BORING, mostly because Republican frontrunner Donald J. Trump decided to play hooky because he really hates Megyn Kelly, and instead went to hang out with his friends at a totally different party. And the crazy thing is, WE WOULD HAVE RATHER GONE TO TRUMP'S PARTY.
We knew how this night would play out when Canadian interloper Ted Cruz made his opening statement, offering these #jokes about how the guy beating him didn't even think it was necessary to show up:
Now, secondly, let me say I'm a maniac and everyone on this stage is stupid, fat, and ugly. And Ben, you're a terrible surgeon.
Now that we've gotten the Donald Trump portion out of the way...
Oh stop, relatable human being Ted Cruz, we are LOLing too hard to even continue!
In Jeb Bush's opening statement, he tried to make silly talk about how Trump's always so mean to him, but he misses him anyway:
I kind of miss Donald Trump. He was a little teddy bear to me.
We always had such a loving relationship in these debates and in between and the tweets. I kind of miss him. I wish he was here.
That's Jeb Bush, reminding everybody from the outset that if the odds-on favorite for the Republican nomination were there, he would be pantsing Jeb Bush in the locker room after gym class, and everybody would be pointing and laughing.
[contextly_sidebar id="rFzu5ldKaCcsuAF4bSHHmCvodxXgpoAo"]So Trump was down the street or whatever, pallin' around with veterans, and schmoozin' with undercard candidates Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, who probably just endorsed Trump, we don't know. It's not like their campaigns matter at this point:
Meanwhile back at the homestead ...
Oh look, these ladies came to see Donald Trump!
Ben Carson said this quote, which we turned into a meme, because it was the high point of the entire evening:
Ho-kay, doctor brain surgeon! Time to take your sleepytime pills and lie down, we think!
We could post a million more pictures, but the point is that last night was an extended cosplay of Goofus & Gallant, and as usual, all the cool kids wanted to hang out with Goofus, who will Make America Great Again, because it's on his hat. (Yes, we are grading on a yooooge curve when we say "cool kids.")
Social media statistics say Trump winned the debate he was not at:
Trump was the most searched-for candidate on Google during the debate, according to data supplied by the search engine, which co-sponsored the event with Fox News. [...]
Trump also dominated Twitter mentions among all candidates during the debate, according to Brandwatch, a social media monitoring company.
The billionaire businessman received roughly 130,000 Twitter mentions during the debate, according to Brandwatch. This marked a roughly 40,000-tweet decline from the previous GOP debate — which he attended.
In all, Trump commanded 36 percent of the Twitter traffic during Thursday night’s debate, according to the social media company.
[contextly_sidebar id="pGgq5ZqGLFr3kDnE0YX3ca3PNGYCunTE"]Look, Donald Trump has already proven he can say anything, do anything, and he won't lose one single solitary chicken-fuckin' supporter. He himself said last week that he could go be an active shooter in the middle of Fifth Avenue and his fans would just adore him more. AND IT'S TRUE.
[contextly_sidebar id="38jeu5LYac1Ou1565xLPjUGCtixYj7N0"]We could be totally wrong. Trump's followers might have giggle-pooted about their candidate shooting people, or saying Megyn Kelly is a class-A wherever-bleeder, or threatening to deport Muslims who are American citizens, but maybe this was A BRIDGE TOO FAR for them, Trump not showing up at the debate. Maybe they are all currently getting their hair did so they look fresh and purty for their new fantasy candidate, Ted Cruz.
But somehow we don't think so. So, we're going to make a simple demand that all networks #MakeDebatesTrumpAgain. It's what Republican Jesus and U.S. America would want.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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