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We have been so busy LOLing and WTFing over Donald Trump's attack on John McCain for being a fake war hero, with his weak-assed POWing, because Trump "like[s] people that weren’t captured," that we almost forgot to tell you some of the other hilarity of Trump's weekend. Almost.


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Trump's brilliant assessment of what makes a real war hero was delivered to the Bible-humping base of the Republican Party (yeah, we know, that's redundant), at the Family Leadership Summit, in Ames, Iowa. That's where the GOP candidates try to out-Jesus each other with soaring rhetoric about how much they hate buttsex and ’bortions, like the Bible says. Just one teeny tiny problem for Donald Trump: God talk ain't his strong suit. Trump is more comfortable threatening to kick ass and telling "losers and haters" how stupid they are. Still, when in Iowa, and all, so here's Trump trying to show the values voters how much he, like the other candidates, is into God n stuff:

Trump, who told CNN earlier that he is both anti-abortion and anti-same-sex marriage, said people are surprised to learn about his Christian faith.

"People are so shocked when they find ... out I am Protestant. I am Presbyterian. And I go to church and I love God and I love my church," he said.

Well yeah, of course we are shocked to find out Trump goes to church and loves God, because come ON, Jesus was weak, and we'd figure Trump likes saviors who didn't get crucified. But as we learned not so long ago, Trump is a real family values kind of guy, as all of his wives and mistresses will tell you. That's part of what has made Donald Trump so great at life, in addition to simply being Donald Trump. It's also why he has never bothered to ask God for forgiveness because if Trump has ever done something wrong -- and come on, he probably never has -- he just fixes it himself because he doesn't need God.

"I think if I do something wrong, I think, I just try and make it right. I don't bring God into that picture. I don't."

Trump said that while he hasn't asked God for forgiveness, he does participate in Holy Communion.

"When I drink my little wine -- which is about the only wine I drink -- and have my little cracker, I guess that is a form of asking for forgiveness, and I do that as often as possible because I feel cleansed," he said. "I think in terms of 'let's go on and let's make it right.'"

Spoken like a truly God-fearing church-attending man of faith, one who definitely knows that Presbyterians drink grape juice, not real wine, in communion. Munching on his little cracker, aka the body of Christ, is Trump's own special way of getting right with God, not that he needs to, because when has Trump ever done anything wrong? Never, that's when. He's Donald fucking Trump! And if you don't understand just how good at God he is, like how he is good at everything, you're obviously one of those dumb haters and losers whose IQ is not nearly as YOOOOGE as Trump's.

[CNN]

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Wednesday, during Sarah Huckabee Sanders's first public explosion of lies in 16 days, she gave a very unclear answer to a question from the New York Times's Maggie Haberman, which was "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?" Specifically the question was about Russian reports that Putin's rogue shithole state would like to question/detain 11 Americans for their supposed "crimes" against Russia, in exchange for Russia's cooperation in letting Robert Mueller interrogate the Russian military intelligence officials he indicted last week for hacking our 2016 election. Putin's list of pals he would like to have for a chat starts with businessman Bill Browder, who used to be Russia's biggest foreign investor, who is actually a British citizen (LOL Russia is stupid), and who is Vladimir Putin's arch-enemy because Browder and his Russian accountant Sergei Magnitsky (whom Putin later had killed in jail) exposed massive Russian government corruption that led to the creation of "Magnitsky Acts" all over the world that sanction the ever-loving fuck out of Putin and his buddies.

Getting rid of the Magnitsky Act is Putin's number one foreign policy priority, so it's probably safe to say it's high on Donald Trump's list too. Indeed, during Trump's shameful press conference with Putin, Trump said Putin had made an "incredible offer" during their private meeting, and it was MOAR PEE HOOKERS! for the quid pro quo we described above. How sweet of Trump's KGB boss to offer to make such an Art Of The Deal with him!

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In an impressive display of fiscal restraint, House Republicans yesterday refused to fund security for election systems before this fall's midterms, because ... well, not sure, really. (Just kidding. We know why and you know why and they know you know and we know why!)

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