Donald Trump's RNC Speech Probably Sounded Better In The Original German

Donald Trump's nomination acceptance speech for the Republican National Convention was basically a bog-standard Trump rally speech. Only it was delivered in front of the White House in complete disregard of the quaint old notion that politics and governing should be kept separate.

Haha, remember when Trump promised the RNC would be a festival of optimism and big ideas, in comparison to what he said was the Democratic convention's gloominess? Trump made up a whole lotta lies about his own achievements and a whole lotta lies about Joe Biden's supposed plans to completely destroy America. But his asshole supporters ate it all up, so maybe that's the positive tone he was talking about.

Here's the full shitshow, although it's missing the final half hour or so of fireworks displays on the National Mall (also federal property) and some of the weirdest musical choices we've ever seen, like following "You're a Grand Old Flag" with "Hallelujah," the first time a political convention has pulled off a Cohan/Cohen medley. Great speech. Great lawbreaking. Twelve more years.

President Donald Trump Full Acceptance Speech at 2020 Republican National

Weirdly, the first nine minutes of the 70-minute speech appeared to have been written for that imaginary shiny happy standard, with a lot of generic presidential-sounding stuff that could well have been uttered by a fictional president in a not-great movie. There were thoughts and prayers for the people who'd been hit by Hurricane Laura, and some anodyne talk of American greatness, plus a thoroughly un-Trumpian line where the ugly bag of mostly rage acknowledged "the people who have made my journey possible, and filled my life with so much joy."

Riiiiight. Trump also muffed his prepared text's "proudly" and said he "profoundly" accepted the nomination. Then, so quickly we suspect the writers of the first part of the speech were sacked and the rest completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute, Trump dropped the white bread and started flinging red meat at the crowd. Which they were able to gobble up easily, since they were packed tightly together and not wearing masks.

You could kind of see the clouds gathering over his head as the Great Man pivoted from highlights of good American stuff, like the Civil Rights movement, the space program, and foam burger containers that keep the hot side hot and the cold side cold: It could all be stolen away by RADICALS.

Everything we've achieved is now in danger. [...] This election will decide whether we save the American Dream, or whether we allow a socialist agenda to demolish our cherished destiny.

Joe Biden, we were told, "is not the savior of America's soul" — not that Biden ever claimed to be — but instead "is the destroyer of America's jobs, and if given the chance, he will be the destroyer of America's greatness."

And so on, for another hour. It was weirdly interesting to watch Trump get into his Full Asshole groove (the ickiest groove in the known universe) and start hitting the notes he hits at every one of his rallies. For a little while, he stuck to his already unhinged text, but as he went along, he started with the ad-libbing, tossing in his old reliable lie that Obama and Biden had spied on his 2016 campaign, and "got caught. Let's see now what happens." Sadly, nobody chanted "Lock him up!"

Trump lied profusely about the brilliant job he did handling the pandemic, and unlike the week's earlier speeches from Melon or Mike Pence, he didn't waste any time with pro-forma condolences for the 180,000 Americans who have died. Trump no doubt resents their disloyalty, since they've made him look bad.

Trump lied about the Biden campaign's agenda, suggesting it's so radical that Biden and other Dems didn't dare talk about policy during last week's convention. So if you thought you heard last week any mention of green jobs, child care, or plans to deal with the pandemic, you were clearly hallucinating.

Besides, Biden's real plan is to destroy America, haven't you been paying attention? He even worked on policy ideas with "wild-eyed Marxists like Bernie Sanders and his fellow radicals," which was a pretty good laugh line for sane people.

Trump also made the expected noises against the supposed stifling of rightwing speech and thought, complaining,

Americans are exhausted trying to keep up with the latest list of approved words and phrases, and the ever-more restrictive political decrees. Many things have a different name now, and the rules are constantly changing. [...] The far-Left wants to coerce you into saying what you know to be FALSE, and scare you out of saying what you know to be TRUE.

Gosh, we wonder if there were any words in particular Trump longs to be able to say out loud?

Trump saved his campaign's main theme for the end, with warnings of American Carnage that will surely engulf us all if Joe Biden becomes president. He spoke of rioting, looting, and entire cities burning down, without any mention of why people were protesting, or the tiny detail that the vast majority of protests have been peaceful. (Not that that matters, "peaceful protest" has become the Right's favorite joke, because America is just nothing but 24/7 rioting in "Democrat cities.") And if Biden is elected, the Second Amendment will be banned, so you won't even be able to protect yourself from the mob. Why, your 17-year-old might not even have the chance to cross state lines with an AR-15 to murder protesters!

Get ready for most of the next 66 days to invoke End Times scenarios like this illustration from that insane NRA comic book from a few years back.

Trump's entire speech could most easily be summed up in a partly ad-libbed departure from his text. Looking at the White House, Trump said, "The fact is, I'm here [...] I'll say it differently; we're here and they're not."

That's really all there is to it: Donald Trump has power and he's not about to give it up, and his base just love the prospect of hurting the right people for another four years, no matter what. Federal laws? Pfft, no big deal. Norms? Those are just elitist rules that keep white people down. You have to ignore a few unimportant laws to put on a show for the law-and-order president.

After the speech ended and the Hatch Act was loaded into fireworks spelling out TRUMP 2020 over federal property, Dinesh D'Souza was for once absolutely accurate: The real point of governing is to rub your enemies' faces in the fact that you're in power and they're not:

Maybe a thousand Americans are dying daily, but did you see how triggered the liberals are? It's glorious. In Jesus's name, Amen.

[CNN (prepared text) / NPR / NYT]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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