Donald Trump's Sick Burns Are The Sickest Burns, Just Tremendous, You'll Get Sick Of Burning

bing bong!

Donald Trump has one response to all the stories trickling out about him and his campaign having been in constant collusion with Russians, the Russians helping steal the election for him, and so forth, and it's that "NO PUPPET. NO PUPPET. YOU'RE THE PUPPET." Or in other words, "I'm not getting peed on by a Russian Hooker, you are getting peed on by a Russian hooker, you're a VERY WET BOY!" Or, as he tweeted at Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer Friday:

The president of the United States, everyone. Take a fucking bow.

And how will Chuck Schumer ever recover from the ZING! and the BING BONG! Donald Trump just tweeter-twatted in his direction? Surely Trump has now proven that Chuck Schumer, and also all the rest of us, are the REAL ones who are getting blackmailed by Vladimir Putin! How will we ever recover from being "I know you are but what am I"-ed by the senile orange twat-grabber squatting in the White House?

Well, we could follow Chuck Schumer's lead:

You show me yours and I'll show you mine, Fuckface!

It seems like perhaps Donald Trump is under the impression that the crime he is accused of is having met a Russian, or having met Putin. Maybe that's why he could never decide over the course of his campaign whether he and Putin were complete strangers, or maybe they are BFFs because Putin called him "brilliant." (Putin did not call him "brilliant," at least not in the sense that the word means "smart." The Russian word means more like "shiny.")

As Vox points out, the pic of Chuckles Schumer and Vlad Putin enjoying delicious donuts together (far more innocent than pee hookers, wethinks, ALLEGEDLY!) was taken in 2003 to commemorate the opening of a Russian-owned chain of gas stations in New York. That is not an impeachable offense, and it makes sense that the senator from New York might be on hand for such an occasion.

Now if Vladimir Putin had ordered hacking and otherwise interfered in the election between Schumer and whatever Republican goobers run against him, that would be a problem! If Putin, as the Steele Dossier alleges about Trump, had been cultivating Schumer as an asset for years, and then actively worked on behalf of his election, that would indeed be a big issue! If Chuck Schumer was using his position as a senator to undermine American interests in favor of Russia, well then LOCK HIM UP! and INPEACH!

But none of those things are in play here, Donald Trump's Twitter burn is stupid, because he is a remarkably stupid and weak man, and we're sorry we just spent 400 words saying so, but it's Friday so fuck it.

 Know what's not dumb like Donald Trump's Twitter burns? Giving yr Wonkette love offerings!  

[ Vox ]