Well well well. What have we here? I believe it is a Doug Jones in ALL Y'ALL'S STOCKINGS!!! Oh yeah, WE TOLD YOU SO!!!! The Democrat Doug Jones has gone and won himself a Senate seat and we could not be more delighted. DOUG JONES WON IT. I MEAN Y'ALL - HOLY SHIT, DOUG JONES BEAT ROY MOORE! In your FACE Steve Bannon! Fuck you GOP! SUCK it Donald Trump! GOODBYE KAYLA MOORE! We do not want, need, or have to hear from you or your (credibly accused) sexual predator husband anymore -- not about how you have the black community for friends, or what kind of lawyers you like best, you understand me? And all of America, you're very welcome -- because do not forget, this also means that this "very red state" actually just made the whole Senate a little bit bluer, which means you must all be APPRECIATIVE OF ALABAMA.

Now, I'll admit I admire the idea of "going high" like Michelle Obama and all, and I really would like to incorporate that sort of behavior into my repertoire. But I gotta be honest, even though it is systemically destroying democracy, and leading us closer to nuclear war -- I'm kinda excited to see what Trump's next tweet will be. Something about how he is glad he didn't ever endorse Roy Moore? Or go to Pensacola to campaign? Or make Robocalls? Let's speculate about that, shall we?

So far from what we can tell this is the fault of Mitch McConnell for saying that he was going to let the people of Alabama make their own decisions on Roy Moore -- and lo and behold the people have decided that, in fact, more Alabamians do not like their Senators to also be (credibly accused) pedos who believe America was great when "united" families had slaves (slaves' families curiously unaccounted for), that gays should have their children taken away, that neither Muslims nor women should ever be in politics because they are both scary and gross, and God did 9/11. Mitch McConnell is also being a dick about when he will certify Doug Jones -- Mitch just doesn't know when he will FEEL LIKE IT OKAY? -- because that shit with Merrick Garland felt too good, and Mitch has some shitty tax bill to keep trying to pass first.

But for right now, just for tonight, and most importantly, for the first time in its entire history of always and only sucking, Alabama did not suck -- by about 20,000 people -- and that's not nothing. Who in the hell could have ever seen that coming? OH RIGHT WE DID!

Also, as always and just in general, thank you to the University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban to whom, based on many many many people from whom we have heard, most of the 22K write in votes were given, because even if they did not vote for Doug Jones, those people also did not vote for Roy Moore, and that is okay by me since DOUG JONES WON. ROLL TIDE.

We will also too be accepting your apologies for doubting me as I assured you that DOUG JONES WOULD WIN (I thought. Maybe), along with congratulations and expressions of fealty in the form of cash donations in our name to our wonkettes in honor of how AWESOME ALABAMA IS TODAY. And you can follow me on twitter, because that is fun for me. Cheers to all of you -- this is a very good and historic day, I want you all to be happy, and never forget that I TOLD YOU SO.




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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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Screenshot NRATV

DING DONG THE WITCH IS ... quite likely to land on her feet. But for today, the New York Times reports Dana Loesch is out of a job, the latest casualty in the war between the NRA and its longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen. But every cloud has a silver bullet lining, since Dana will have more free time now to spend on her favorite hobby. We can't wait to see which cartoon character she photoshops Klan hoods onto next. Maybe she'll branch out and start putting Nazi armbands onto Buzz Lightyear. Oh, we would be so triggered!

As one of the most visible characters on NRATV with literal hundreds of viewers for each of her fascist rants, Dana Loesch was a tireless advocate for the gunhumpers lobby, always ready to call out "tragedy dry-humping whores," threatening to "fist" or perhaps "fisk" the New York Times, and expressing her hope that the Mueller Report would die in an "AIDS fire."

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