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AND NOW HE CAN GO THE MALL IN WASHINGTON.


Well well well. What have we here? I believe it is a Doug Jones in ALL Y'ALL'S STOCKINGS!!! Oh yeah, WE TOLD YOU SO!!!! The Democrat Doug Jones has gone and won himself a Senate seat and we could not be more delighted. DOUG JONES WON IT. I MEAN Y'ALL - HOLY SHIT, DOUG JONES BEAT ROY MOORE! In your FACE Steve Bannon! Fuck you GOP! SUCK it Donald Trump! GOODBYE KAYLA MOORE! We do not want, need, or have to hear from you or your (credibly accused) sexual predator husband anymore -- not about how you have the black community for friends, or what kind of lawyers you like best, you understand me? And all of America, you're very welcome -- because do not forget, this also means that this "very red state" actually just made the whole Senate a little bit bluer, which means you must all be APPRECIATIVE OF ALABAMA.

Now, I'll admit I admire the idea of "going high" like Michelle Obama and all, and I really would like to incorporate that sort of behavior into my repertoire. But I gotta be honest, even though it is systemically destroying democracy, and leading us closer to nuclear war -- I'm kinda excited to see what Trump's next tweet will be. Something about how he is glad he didn't ever endorse Roy Moore? Or go to Pensacola to campaign? Or make Robocalls? Let's speculate about that, shall we?

So far from what we can tell this is the fault of Mitch McConnell for saying that he was going to let the people of Alabama make their own decisions on Roy Moore -- and lo and behold the people have decided that, in fact, more Alabamians do not like their Senators to also be (credibly accused) pedos who believe America was great when "united" families had slaves (slaves' families curiously unaccounted for), that gays should have their children taken away, that neither Muslims nor women should ever be in politics because they are both scary and gross, and God did 9/11. Mitch McConnell is also being a dick about when he will certify Doug Jones -- Mitch just doesn't know when he will FEEL LIKE IT OKAY? -- because that shit with Merrick Garland felt too good, and Mitch has some shitty tax bill to keep trying to pass first.

But for right now, just for tonight, and most importantly, for the first time in its entire history of always and only sucking, Alabama did not suck -- by about 20,000 people -- and that's not nothing. Who in the hell could have ever seen that coming? OH RIGHT WE DID!

Also, as always and just in general, thank you to the University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban to whom, based on many many many people from whom we have heard, most of the 22K write in votes were given, because even if they did not vote for Doug Jones, those people also did not vote for Roy Moore, and that is okay by me since DOUG JONES WON. ROLL TIDE.

We will also too be accepting your apologies for doubting me as I assured you that DOUG JONES WOULD WIN (I thought. Maybe), along with congratulations and expressions of fealty in the form of cash donations in our name to our wonkettes in honor of how AWESOME ALABAMA IS TODAY. And you can follow me on twitter, because that is fun for me. Cheers to all of you -- this is a very good and historic day, I want you all to be happy, and never forget that I TOLD YOU SO.

RTR.

Love,

FakaktaSouth

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Yesterday afternoon, 45-year-old Gary Martin of Aurora, Illinois was let go from his job at the Henry Pratt Company, a factory that manufactures water valves. In response, he took out a pistol with a laser scope and began shooting at random. He killed five people and injured six others who were just trying to make it through the day at the water valve factory, and then the police killed him.

His mother said he was "stressed out." He "seemed fine" according to the clerk at the Circle K where he bought his cigars that morning. His neighbor thought he was a nice guy. Some people were surprised, others were not.

This kind of thing used to be shocking, but it's a story we're used to now. It gets repeated at least once a month. It's just what happens now, and we can't do anything about it because we can't do anything about gun control. This is, the Right has decided, just the price we all have to pay so they can stockpile guns for funsies, and take sexy pictures of guns shoved in their pants. This is the blood that waters their special tree of liberty.

It's fucking exhausting. And stupid. We shouldn't have to live this way. No one should have to live this way. But we do. Why? Because some day some yahoos might want to overthrow the government, which is (of course) a completely legal thing to do, and their "right" to do that must be protected. So it's literally just never, ever going to stop.

Gary Martin, like most other mass shooters, also had a history of violence against women. In 1994, in Mississippi, he was convicted for stabbing one. He should not have been able to get a gun after that. I would like to know how and why he was able to get that pistol with the laser scope that he killed five people with yesterday afternoon. Maybe someone gave it to him. Maybe he bought it somehow. Maybe someone forgot to do a background check. Maybe he bought it from someone who didn't have to do a background check.

I am so goddamned tired of writing this article. I am out of things to say.

[Sun-Times]

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That's right, Wonkers, while we're all up here in America dealing with the terribleness, your Editrix and her fambly are in MEXICO AT THE BEACH, where they will probably stay for a little while longer or maybe they're never coming back SHRUGGIE EMOTICON. But that's OK, they deserve some time to be AT THE BEACH in MEXICO, oh no, don't get NATIONAL EMERGY CARAVANNED!

Yeah, so it's time to count down your top ten stories of the week, like we do on Saturday mornings. Shall we? WE SHALL.

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