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Drunk idea man.


John Boehner had 11 shots of cheap Irish whiskey, or as he likes to call it, "breakfast," and decided it's a good day to jizz some thoughts out of his cry-hole about what REALLY causes mass shootings. Is it guns? Nah. Mental health? Well, KIND OF, even though less than 5 percent of gun killings in U.S. America are committed by people diagnosed with mental health issues. But Republicans like to yammer bullshit words after America's weekly massacre about how it's time that we had a Serious Talk about mental health, as soon as the NRA finishes and pulls its dick out of our mouths, which will never happen, because in order to finish, the NRA would have to achieve and maintain an erection, which is impossible because the NRA's dick don't work.

No, the real mass shooter here is congressional Democrats, obviously. We pass the mic to Boehner:

My heart goes out to the victims that lost their lives and were injured in Oregon last week. We've seen far too many of these. In '07 and '08, I should say, in '09 and '10, we had Democrat majorities in the House and Senate, we had a Democrat president. And this clearly was not a priority for them. Uh, but a president can rail all he wants. Let's talk about what CAN we do to make sure that people with serious mental illness don't have access to weapons? Let's quit fightin' over this and let's start thinking about how, what IS doable, and what WOULD have an impact?

Huffington Post points out that that Democratic Congress was real good at expanding gun rights and doing fuck-all in the way of addressing mental health issues, which are, as we said, a factor in a handful of shootings. That is because we have a Big Problem in Congress, and it is called the gun lobby. But if Boehner wants to try to somehow pass this off on Democrats, as if the Republicans would be pissing themselves with excitement to reform gun laws, if only the mean Democrats would let them, then he can fuck himself with the wooden spoon he uses to stir his afternoon bucket of vodka.

Boehner wants us to believe he is tearfully serious about how sad he is about what happened in Oregon, though we must point out that he didn't shed one tear during this press conference, and CERTAINLY did not do this:

Crying because Pope Nice-Nice is next to him, and because he doesn't have a drink.

But hey, John Boehner, know what would be a GREAT thing to do, if you want your last few weeks in Congress to mean something? Why don't you tell the NRA to get fucked, for one, since the majority of responsible gun owners support sensible gun control measures like enhanced background checks? A full 82 PERCENT of Republican primary voters, who mostly subsist on Funyuns and the sexual gratification they get from rubbing up against the butter cow at the Iowa State Fair, support background checks, according to a brand spankin' new poll from Public Policy Polling. This is not controversial!

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So there you go, Boehner. Do that this week, if you're so FOR REAL SAD about all the people who end up dead in mass shootings. Then next week, you can completely steal Hillary Clinton's thunder by closing the gun show loophole! How fun would that be? We're sure all your congressional Republican buttbuddies will go for that. How about set up a vote to close the Charleston loophole, which says that if a background check takes too long, potential mass shooters (excuse us, "Responsible Gun Owners") can go ahead and get their guns? And yes! If you really want to do the mental health thing, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT. We are so excited that John Boehner has decided to solve this problem in his last few weeks in office!

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Alternately, we could just put God back in the schools and force everybody to gay-marry Jesus and solve it that way. Or Boehner could join up with Nevada Assemblywoman Michele Fiore, who thinks cancer is a fungus, and blame it on Paxil or something. Maybe we just need to put guns in all school hallways, next to the fire extinguisher. Whoever breaks the glass first gets to do the shooty shooty!

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Pfffffft, John Boehner, you don't give a fuck about fixing this problem, so just stop talking, you cowardly fucking lush.

[Huffington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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