Duck Dynasty Dude: Who Among Us Hasn't Banged Some Hookers? Vote David Vitter!
Oh, this isn't awkward AT ALL. After managing for years to avoid the subject of that time family values Sen. David Vitter got busted diddling prostitutes, his youthful adulterous indiscretion is now front and center in the race he's about to lose for Louisiana governor.
Earlier this week, his campaign released the hilariously titled "Hard Times" ad, which it quickly changed to "Difficult Times," probably because his staff reads Yr Wonkette (hi, there!) and realized, with our help, that the ad's title would make everyone think about how Vitter stuck his "hard times" inside of professional sex ladies who were not his wife. In that ad, he said, "Fifteen years ago, I failed my family, but found forgiveness and love."
(Between-the-lines subtext: By banging hookers while preachin' and screechin' about family values and traditional marriage and, "President Clinton should be impeached and removed from office because he is morally unfit to govern.")
All good now, though, and that is why everyone should love and forgive him for being a despicable law-breaking hypocrite. Vote Vitter!
And now there's this: a new ad with Willie Robertson, of the Duck Dynasty Robertsons, and Bobby Jindal's fantasy running mate for when he is the Republican presidential nominee hahahahaha yeah suuuuuuure, that'll happen. Who better to vouch for David Vitter's rehabilitated "Hard Times" than a Bible-humping duck-hunting reality TV star wackadoodle-doo?
WILLIE: Hey, this is Willie Robertson. Dave and I have been out in the woods today. I know he's made some mistakes, but who hasn't? The whole story about the Bible is about redemption. I'm concerned about our state.
DAVID: That's right, Willie. What defines us in life is how we get up and earn redemption. Where we are as a state is needing to get up, based on strong conservative principles. And that's what I'm leading with.
WILLIE: And you need to grow a better beard.
DAVID: Yeah, you gotta talk to Wendy about that.
NARRATOR: David Vitter. He'll get Louisiana working again. Just ask Willie Robertson.
David Vitter will clean up the mess left by Republican Gov. Bobby Jindal because that's what the Bible is all about: Vitter's redemption. (It's not, by the way, but why nitpick what the Bible actually says with a member of the family that released their own Bible and has promoted some rather novel ideas about clean livin' according to "God"?)
If you have any doubts about Vitter's qualifications, just ask this bearded nutjob, he'll tell ya! And as both a biblical scholar and a huntin' pal of Willie Robertson -- the Willie Robertson! -- you can trust that Vitter knows how to get it up (dear god, Senator, REALLY?) with his conservative principles.
On Nov. 21, Louisiana voters will have their chance to say farewell to Vitter and his "Hard Times" forever, and then, the good lord willing, we'll never have to cringe at the sound of Vitter mentioning his poor humiliated wife Wendy ever again.