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They're not all dead inside, YOU'RE DEAD INSIDE.


[contextly_sidebar id="P8BIgdEyDa1jSyc3J6B4DEf1l7HrHb9Z"]Hey, Jesus Lovers, OMG OMG OMG, are you so excited about watching TV tonight? No, not the primaries! What are you, some kind of politically minded DORKASS? No, we are talking about the premiere of the new season of "Duggar Diddles 90210" or whatever it's called. Just fooling, it is called "Jill & Jessa: Counting On," because "19 Kids And Counting" had to go away when we found out that the firstborn Duggar, Josh, fingerbanged his sisters and his parents tried to cover it up. Then Josh paid for the privilege of sex-fucking a porn star in her vagina. Oh and then he had to go to sex rehab, to learn how to avoid sins of the penis and fingers. But now he's healed!

ANYSHIZZLE.

You should know that the next oldest boy after Josh, John-David Duggar, who is a single, unfuckable old maid at 26 (by Duggar standards), is pretty sure Satan won't be ruining the family's latest whore-grifting grift-whoring for reality TV cash:

The devil took his best shot. And he tried to take our whole family down, but God has really used this to -- instead of tearing us apart as a family, he's using it to draw us together ... We've forgiven, and we're moving on, and we're looking to the future.

[contextly_sidebar id="9bkJovZIzDYUV4mmMJNoVdGkiN5VlmAd"]Oh John-David. Was that really "the devil" taking his best shot? Was it "the devil" who hand-molested family members and rage-porked a porn lady? Did "the devil" have to spend so many long months at the Jesustime Sexypants Rehab? Or was that your big brother? Because didn't you just say in December the hardest thing in the world (besides Josh Duggar obsessively refreshing XTube) was telling your brother you didn't want to be like him anymore? We don't remember you saying that TO THE DEVIL.

Oh well. What can you do? One second you're real upset because your older brother is a perv-tastic hornball, the next second you're deflecting blame onto Satan. Such is the life of a Duggar, we guess.

Anyway, the family is super excited about getting on the TV again. Notice that the announcement on the Duggar Blog features a very important detail:

The season premiere of Counting On airs in less than 36 hours! The Duggars have a lot of exciting milestones to share, as Anna Duggar and Jim Bob and Michelle's adult children, excluding Josh, show viewers how they are stepping up and moving on after a difficult year.

Don't worry, mommies and daddies! Josh will not be there! This season of the Duggars is not NC-17, and you won't have to worry about 'splaining to your kids that half the screen is milky and translucent because Josh surprise jizzed on the camera lens.

Here, have a preview of the new season:

So, want to know what happens on tonight's episode, and also on next week's episode? Well lucky for you, the Duggars have provided SPOILERS, which we will translate from Duggar-ese into Wonkish.

TONIGHT:

Jessa and Ben navigate life as a family of three with new baby Spurgeon. Jill and Derick settle into their home in Central America as Israel starts to hit new milestones. Later, Jessa enlists her sisters to help prepare a fall feast for the whole family.

Jessa knocks a baby out her butt. Jill and Derick are pretending to be "missionaries" in Central America or something, even though they have totally admitted they're winning souls without a license and probably everybody they've met is still going to hell. They probably were just sidehugging each other's glistening sin holes on the El Salvadoran beach. Oh, and grifting, they were doing LOTS of grifting, so much that they had to return some of their dumbnugget followers' donation moneys.

Later, Jessa picks some frozen tater tots and ham bits out of the Duggar family garden and fries them up for supper.

NEXT WEEK:

Jana and Jessa embark on a large DIY lighting project while the rest of the family travels to Central America. When Jessa and Ben go on their first date since Spurgeon was born, will his presence wreck the romance?

Jana, John-David's twin, who is also 26 and thus a crusty, feculent hag in Duggar years, changes some light bulbs while the rest of the family goes to Central America to pry Jill and Derick off each other's cocks. Jessa and Ben wanna fuck but they might not get to fuck because it's time to like "feed the baby" or something. Parenthood sux.

So there's your preview. Happy Duggaring, everybody!

[ABC / Duggar Blog]

 

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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We feel like we say this a lot during these dark days of the Trump era, but WHAT IN THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCK DID WE JUST WATCH? And how in the hell can anyone who claims to give a shit about this country be OK with the public tongue-bath Donald Trump just gave Vladimir Putin on live TV?

The reviews are starting to roll in:

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Elon Musk, Space Trash Cowboy

Silicon Valley's most arrogant asswipe is not a baby, he just pays people to wipe his ass.

Everywhere Else News

STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES! Elon Musk has been wronged! Newspapers, throw away your front pages! TV talking heads, scrap your A and B bloc! Someone change the tickers in Times Square!

BREAKING NEWS: MAN CALLS ELON MUSK AN ASSHOLE!

When Vern Unsworth, the British cave explorer who helped rescue the trapped Thai soccer team, told CNN that Musk's mini-sub was a "PR Stunt" that had "absolutely no chance of working," he clearly wounded Musk's delicate constitution. But then Unsworth had to go a step further and tell Musk to "stick his submarine where it hurts."

Musk responded like a fucking adult by Tweeting that he never saw Unsworth when he flew to Thailand to personally deliver his mini-sub last week, adding, "Sorry Pedo guy, you really did ask for it."

"Pedo" -- short for "pedophile" -- seems a bit harsh and also a tiny bit libelous. This caused the Twitterverse to lose their minds and criticize Musk for being an asshole (again). Since Elon Musk is a gazillionaire with tons of free tweetin' time on his hands, he responded to his critics by doubling-down, "Bet ya a signed dollar it's true."

Musk later deleted the tweets and retreated to the relative safety of his secret moon base. Unsworth is now threatening to sue Musk, telling a Australian news outlet, "This is not finished. I think people realize what sort of guy he is."

The whole ordeal started started when Musk posted an unnecessarily dramatic video of a small submarine built out of a fuel pod used in one of the Space X rockets. The idea of stuffing a child in a tiny metal tube sounded amazing to fanboys, but a number of people immediately wondered if the hastily assembled claustrophobia simulator was ambi-turner.

Maybe Musk is just butthurt over all that money he was caught donating to Republican pacs? Maybe he's just venting after the NLRB said Musk violated labor laws when he discouraged Tesla workers from unionizing? Maybe we should change those front pages once again!

BREAKING NEWS: ELON MUSK STILL A BIG ASSHOLE.

[WSJ / NBC News / BBC / Business Insider]

Wonkette is ad-free and reader supported, and thinks Elon Musk should STFU.

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