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Allie Beth Stuckey is the conservative media darling who happily tells the geezers watching Fox News that young people suck and even their own grandkids are probably stealing from them when they're not looking. Her sole qualification to speak on behalf of her much-maligned generation is that she was the first person to snag the Twitter handle "@conservmillen."

Conservatives hailed Stuckey as the next Samantha Bee for her 2018 "satirical" interview with then Democratic congressional candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. We knew it was "satirical" because it said so in the title like all good satire. Stuckey pretended to ask AOC questions about her qualifications and AOC made a fool of herself by responding with random phrases taken out of context from an unrelated interview. This "satire" was so scathing it was the last anyone heard of Ocasio-Cortez.

Stuckey took aim at some other far more successful millennials this morning on "Fox & Friends." Steve Doocy noted that last night's MTV Video Music Awards had "gotten political," which is disturbing new information if you've never watched any previous VMAs. Moroccan-born rapper French Montana dared say he was "proud" to present an award "as an immigrant." Actor Alison Brie added that "what's happening to immigrants in this country is unconstitutional and frankly disgusting." Brie's comment confused the heck out of Stuckey, who was promised no heavy intellectual lifting this early in the day.


STUCKEY: I'm not completely sure what she's talking about, it sounds like she's taking some talking points from left-wing media.

Brie probably just read the news reports from, oh, last fucking month where a federal judge blocked Donald Trump's attempt to detain asylum-seeking migrants indefinitely without bond. The judge used the word "unconstitutional" in her ruling.

STUCKEY: I'm not sure if she knows what she's talking about either. It's really unfortunate.

Oh, shut up. Brie isn't just more informed than you, she also dances a better Charleston.

Stuckey then started to trash-talk Taylor Swift. Conservatives are obsessed with Swift because demographically they think she should be wholly in the tank for them, but then she goes and does things like support Democrats in Senate elections. She also likes gay people. There may be no coming back for her.

Swift called out the White House for refusing to acknowledge the Equality Act petition, declaring that all Americans "deserve equal treatment under the law regardless of who we love or how we identify."

STUCKEY: People like her, well, actually, people especially like Taylor Swift, the beauty of them, the charm of them, is that they were politically neutral, at least that's true for Taylor Swift.

If conservative genuinely believed celebrities should remain "politically neutral," they'd object to them wearing flag pins after 9/11 or even thanking God when accepting awards. But they define "politically neutral" as "politically conservative." They don't accept that standing for the national anthem is as much a political statement as kneeling during it.

It's also a historical revision to argue that "good" celebrities were always politically silent. Charlton Heston of all people was a vocal proponent of civil rights at a time when it wasn't "politically neutral."

STUCKEY: [Swift's] kind of waded into these political waters, and it doesn't seem like they really know what they're talking about, and they're not convincing anyone in the middle of the country, or anyone who disagrees with them because they don't actually have any kind of a viable argument.

Lady, anyone who disagrees that gay people deserve equal treatment under the law is an asshole. Period. Swift's "viable argument" for American citizens -- even the most fabulous among us -- enjoying equal protection under the law is found in the Fourteenth Amendment. Stuckey is a moron.

Taylor Swift turns 30 in December and probably wants to express her own opinions like a functioning adult. She won "Video of the Year," after all, for the pro-LGBT song "You Need to Calm Down," not for a cover of "I'm a Little Teapot." Conservatives don't want to hear this, but it's possible to have a successful career and openly believe gays are people.

After complaining that Swift cares about people who aren't like her, Stuckey segued to complaining that young people today don't give a shit about anyone but themselves because irony is dead and buried in a shallow grave.

Oh, and if you haven't signed Swift's petition yet, you probably should. Here's the link.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.

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