Behind every Trump is an even gooder "Keith."

Ding dong, another loser Trump goon is quitting to spend more time being a loser Trump goon OUTSIDE the White House! And this time it's a REALLY IMPORTANT ONE. His name is Keith Schiller, "Director of Oval Office Operations," and he is the dumb bodyguard muscle who has been by Donald Trump's beefy flaky side for two decades. He is one of Trump's bestest friends, and they trust each other. He will be going back to being a private security goon, where he will make many more ameros than his puny little government salary of a measly little $165,000 per year. This is the guy Trump sent to FBI HQ to fire James Comey, which was very DOY DOY DOY, because Comey was in Los Angeles at the time. Bloomberg notes that Schiller also did the "YOU'RE FIRED!" act to George Gigicos, who was canned because Trump was upset his tiny racist crowd at his recent Arizona Hitler rally was so tiny.

We are trying to decide which part of this report about Schiller leaving is the funniest. Is it that Trump is "crushed" about Mr. Keith leaving? Well that is pretty funny, because we like it when Trump is sad. Is it the part about how working at the White House is THE PITS now that General John Kelly has replaced Steve Bannon as the real president?

No, this is the funniest part:

He has said he believes that Kelly doesn’t like Trump personally and is serving as chief of staff predominantly out of a sense of duty to country, according to three people familiar with his views. That has been deeply demoralizing for Schiller, who is accustomed to Trump being surrounded by devoted employees, two people said.


We are gratified to know that John Kelly has good enough taste in men that he hates Donald Trump in his heart, though.

Bloomberg describes more elements of Schiller's hilarious sadness, like how he's not allowed to just curtsy and lollygag his way into the Oval anytime he wants anymore, and how there's literally NO POINT TO HIM BEING THERE, since all his "job duties" are ably carried out by others. It's hard out here for a hired private security goon when you've got the Secret Service all up in your business.

So what is this, the 54th person to quit working at White House since Trump fumblefucked his way through the oath of office? 78th? 966th? We lost count. We're just glad Kelly has claimed another Trump loyalist.

Hey John Kelly. Hey General Kelly! Hey! Hey! Do Stephen Miller next! Do it do it do it!

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Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.

In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

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