Timmi Lawrence

Tomi Lahren is this loud racist lady who was spawned in the "Friday Night Lights" section of hell, and because of the wonders of wingnut welfare, she has a new job at Fox News, where she probably should have been in the first place. Is she stupid, or at least willing to play stupid for a paycheck? Check. Total wingnut? Check. Blonde? You betcha.

We don't know if this is Timmi Lawrence's Fox News debut, and honestly, we don't care enough to look. All we know is that the genius who runs the Fox Twitter account thought this thing she said on Hannity was good enough to tweet out. We guess they were proud of it:

Um, OK. Cool. Fox News and Tillie Larson will stop musing like the overpaid dumbfucks they are about the completely made-up story about Hillary Clinton's deleted emails, because they are actually stupid enough to think Hillary deleted ALL KINDA SHIT about how she literally ordered the Benghazi attack, JUST AS SOON AS the real news networks stop covering the Trump-Russia scandal, which is an actual thing people are likely to go to jail over and which may end Donald Trump's presidency. Also, they are just saying out loud that they are focusing on the made up story about the person who is not in office so they can avoid the other story, which they don't like, because it is real, and they don't like it. And, again, they are saying this with their mouths, and tweeting it with their fingers, and is the Fox News social media manager a HILLARY MOLE? We are just asking.

What else is dumbass up there saying? She says she had a bunch of "friends" who were "in Benghazi" (oh really?) and they really want to know about Hillary's emails. Her "friends." The ones who were in "Benghazi." They "ask Tammy Lauren about it." We "believe her."

Here's the video if you like watching things that make you dumber:

Tori Lemming is probably very excited about her move to Fox News. Poor thing doesn't know it's a demotion, since her particular style of deafening dipshittery is de rigueur over there and she's just going to blend in with the other dumbfucks. Before you know it, Wonkette won't even put her name in headlines. It'll just be "Fox News Idiot" here and "Fox News Dumbass" there, and we won't even notice her again until she files a sexual harassment lawsuit, because that's what happens at Fox News.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.

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Now What? Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 18, 2019

Bill Barr's book report, the NRA is doomed, and Johnny Cash will watch over the Capitol. Your morning news brief!


Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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