He'll read anything on that teleprompter.

Good Morning, Wonkers! We have so many newses for you, but here's just a few of the things we may be talking about today.

Protesters in Durham pulled down a Confederate statute. Be like Durham, kids.

Paul Manafort tried to finagle a complicated $850 million real estate deal with ALLEGED Russian and Ukrainian gangsters Dmitry Firtash and Oleg Deripaska. It sure as hell looks a lot like an international money laundering scheme. WOAH, if true!

From March to July of 2016, a policy aide on Trump's team was shooting off emails urging a meeting between Trump and Russian officials, including Putin, but everyone said, "Russians? No thank you, that would be weird." Drip, drip, drip!

The DHHS has cut grants for teen pregnancy prevention programs and hasn't bothered to say why.

Trump is facing more pressure to "You're Fired" President Bannon, but Tea Party wackjobs are unsurprisingly sticking to their gross whiskey-dick leader.

Shiva Ayyadurai, a Republican candidate for Senate opposing Sen. Elizabeth Warren who blows his load every time he calls her Pocahontas, will address the "free-speech" Nazi "alt right" rally in Boston on Saturday. When asked if he was worried about violence, Ayyadurai stated, "of course...because [r]ace [w]ars are manufactured and fueled by the Establishment to distract from the economic problems that they have caused and profit from." No, dude, race wars are started by jerks with stupid haircuts and hats in polo shirts who carry citronella candles. [Archive]

Contenders for Jason Chaffetz's House seat can't stop bragging about how they're rich, religious and right-wing A.F.

Indiana's Republican Senate primary has been a brutal fight between two idiots with a 20+ year grudge of sniping and childish bickering.

More CEOs are bailing on Trump since they don't want to catch the stink of white supremacy, including Under Armor, Intel, and Merck, the gigantic pharmaceutical company.

The head of Planned Parenthood wants Democrats to fight for abortion rights now that Trump has "both barrels aimed at women."

The DOJ wants the unique IP addresses of people who've visited an anti-Trump website that helped to organize Inauguration protests, according to the site's host, and lawyers and activists are sounding privacy and free-speech alarm bells.

Joe Arpaio might get a pardon by Trump for being inhuman to immigrants, according to an interview Trump gave Fox News on Sunday (you know, a day after that "many sides" crap).

"Alt-Right" demonstrations are scheduled for nine cities next week in protest of the tech-bro Google "You're Fired" for being A Idiot.

More and more Republicans are finding it easier to criticize Trump after the events of Charlottesville, although many are still nervous about getting primaried by an "alt-right" or Tea Party crazy.

Trump's poll numbers are falling even further into the shitter after the events of Charlottesville. LOW RATINGS!

Of course, the guy who rammed his car into protesters beat and threatened his mom on top of failing Army Basic Training, and scared his high school history teacher.

Some Republicans in state legislatures are voting to increase taxes now that they're being held responsible for failing roads, schools and bridges in their districts, even if it pisses off ignorant constituents.

The #Reisistance is growing in Trump Country in the fallout of attempts to repeal the ACA, a literal lifeline for many low-income voters.

Thousands of people turned out to protest in New York last night after Trump returned to his glass house that had to be surrounded by white trash trucks.

The New England Holocaust Museum in Boston was vandalized (AGAIN), but authorities are unsure if it was intended as a hate crime or if it was just some dumbass kid. [Archive]

Latin America is uniting behind Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro after Trump called and threatened budding dictator, and possibly setting back efforts at democratic regimes.

Iran is threatening to pull out of the nuclear agreement "within hours" if the US passes any more sanctions, with Iran's moderate President Hassan Rouhani saying that Trump undermines international agreements, and has become a shitty neighbor, partner and negotiator.

South Korean President Moon Jae-in gave a speech denouncing US and North Korean tensions, saying it could veto any attack on North Korea as it should be the one to declare military strikes.

While rubbing his bathrobbed butt around the residence this morning Trump may or may not have accidentally retweeted some random guys, one accusing Trump and Arpaio of being fascist, and another of a meme appearing to show a train hitting CNN.

White nationalists are bitching about being victims of police brutality, saying that there wouldn't have been any violence if the cops didn't show up, even though VA Gov. Terry McAuliffe claims that militia members were better armed than the cops. Plus there was how they kept beating people.

David Duke started freaking out on Twitter after Trump read his teleprompter and condemned racist and anti-Semitic hate groups.

An "NRA TV" host has apologized after "joking" that North Korea should nuke California, not Guam, an irony not lost on those who remember when he himself warned against provoking "unstable people" this past June.

Godaddy and Google booted neo-Nazi website The Daily Stormer yesterday for violations of terms of service. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Former Virginia attorney general Ken Cuccinelli told Symone Sanders to "shut up" during a debate about Trump's initial response to Charlottesville, prompting Chris Cuomo to tell Cuccinelli to stop acting like a manbaby, and some return fire from Sanders herself.

Taylor Swift won her countersuit against a radio host who groped her during a photo op.

GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! Seinfeld's Soup Nazi helped pass out soup in character as part of a fundraiser for victims of wildfires in British Columbia.

The Mooch went on Colbert to talk about the screwing of Reince Priebus, and the raging dumpster fires inside the White House. [Video]

And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert showed how easy it is to condemn a hate group; Jimmy Kimmel noticed the difference between Trump and a teleprompter; Jimmy Fallon actually got a little political in an emotional statement about Charlottesville; Conan O'Brien had some talky time with Sen. Al Franken; Chelsea Handler wished Sarah Huckabee Sanders a regular birthday; and James Corden made a list things Trump hates more than racism.

And here's your morning Nice Time! Sun bears!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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