Elizabeth Warren Scaring Billionaires So Much They're Going As Her For Halloween

2020 democratic primary
photo by Dominc Gwinn

Corporate fat cats are soiling their solid gold pants over the possibility of President Elizabeth Warren. They've tried everything to stop her rise to frontrunner status. But no matter what they throw at her or how often they remind voters she's openly a woman, Warren keeps coming like the Terminator.

Politico has a hilarious article out today where "people of means" cry into their caviar about how Lizzie W. will take multiple whacks to income inequality. They're reportedly in a state of "existential panic" and feel helpless to do anything but fund mealy mouthed moderates and "pray."

"There's really not a damn thing you can do about Warren. There is nothing," said one prominent Wall Street hedge fund manager and Democratic bundler who is raising money for a Warren rival. "It's the same thing Republicans went through with Trump. You look at her and think what she is going to do is going to be horrible for the country. But if you say anything about it you just make her stronger."

Republicans in 2016 thought Trump was a bigoted moron and feared we lived in a country where bigoted morons couldn't win the presidency. They were only right about the first part. Mr. Prominent Hedge Fund Manager -- or "douchebag" for short -- is just worried Warren will heavily regulate an industry that periodically wrecks the economy and impoverishes the people who put his socks on for him.

These guys are cowering in fear from Warren and won't even go on the record because they're afraid Warren will smack them silly on social media. They probably hold secret anti-Warren strategy meetings in back of some dingy restaurant. Billionaire and former Goldman Sachs executive Leon Cooperman is bold enough to publicly criticize the Massachusetts senator. His comments are best read while also listening to a recording of the "Battle Hymn of the Republic."

COOPERMAN: What is wrong with billionaires? You can become a billionaire by developing products and services that people will pay for.

No, that's how you become a small business owner who struggles to survive until rising rent costs force you to close. You can become a billionaire buying and selling student debt or helping Russia install a bigoted moron in the White House. Cooperman doesn't even make iPhones. He's currently CEO of investment firm Omega Advisors. He helps rich people get richer. (There's no real market for helping poor people get rich, other than selling them lottery tickets.)

COOPERMAN: I believe in a progressive income tax and the rich paying more. But this is the fucking American dream she is shitting on.

"More" is the key BS term here. A dollar is "more." A "penny" is more. That's the "progressive income tax" Cooperman can support. He'll happily part with whatever small change he happens to have in his suit pockets right now. Warren is dropping a big, smelly deuce on the "American dream" stupid people have that they too can attain the same riches as Cooperman, who recently settled insider trading charges.

Cooper predicts a 25 percent market drop if Warren becomes president. That's equal to the stock market crash of 1929. She's going to send us back to the sepia-toned, Steinbeck Depression. To manage that, Warren has a lot of predatory lending to do before 2020. I think if she was that much of a threat to the US economy, Warren would be Russia's candidate instead of Tulsi Gabbard.

Centrist, corporate-friendly Democrats -- or Republicans who live in Tribeca -- "hope and pray" that Joe Biden can block Warren. But if Biden goes down in Jeb!-like flames, they consider Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar as their "break glass in case of emergency" options. Klobuchar is the ideal running mate for a failed presidential ticket. She's already got her speech ready for when she comes out on election night and tells the dozens of people assembled that the "fight continues." Orin Kramer has formed a hedge-fund Voltron with other "well-heeled fundraisers" on behalf of Buttigieg, who people claim has that "Obama/JFK" vibe. I'm sure he has their T-shirts.

Corporate scaredy cats also hope that moderate Democrats no one's heard of will risk their careers and come out against Warren. These asshats are afraid of her and they don't actually have to face voters.

"What it's going to take is moderate Democrats in swing states and swing districts who are terrified of running with her at the top of the ticket coming out and doing something," said a senior executive at one of Wall Street's largest banks. "But nobody wants to piss her off. Nobody wants to be on her bad list."

Warren is incredibly powerful for someone they think would lose to Trump in a 50-state landslide. Maybe no one is bashing Warren because they think she resonates with voters?

SAME ASSHOLE FROM ABOVE: If you get [Warren] in the general, Trump and the RNC will paint her to the left of Mao. You look at the history of John Kerry and Michael Dukakis and Massachusetts liberals and it's not very good.

Trump is a known liar whose extortion lies are currently the subject of an impeachment inquiry. We should have a head start on convincing voters not to believe anything he says about the Democratic nominee. Buttigieg is gay, and we can only imagine the gross sludge Republicans would hit him with in defense of supposed "religious freedom." And besides, "to the left of Mao" is how Republicans portray all Democrats, plus any fellow Republican who fails to worship Trump. Both of them.

John Kerry was also 2004's safe, moderate choice. He's more like Biden than Warren. Fox News "unearthed" a 2004 op-ed from Warren that should calm down all the billionaires. She said the rich are not the enemy and that "corruption" was the problem. Being Fox, the op-ed positions this as a "striking change," but it's literally what she's said for years. The Republican establishment in 2016 was at least afraid that a vocal racist would lead their party. The Democratic establishment is just afraid that an actual liberal might.


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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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