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Sad man never banged a SCOTUS memberAs the nomination of a single, softball-playing lady with short hair to the Supreme Court heads for the Senate, an all-important question grips the entire nation. How will her judicial philosophy inform ... ha ha, just kidding. No, what people actually want to know is: Does she like gettin' it on with dudes, or chicks? Obviously reputable journalists would turn to America's #1 arbiter of sexual orientation, Eliot Spitzer. If he says a lady is straight, then the matter is put to rest!


The Politico is the only publication that still opens emails from Eliot Spitzer rather than deleting them with a queasy shudder:

Another friend, former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, a member of Kagan’s social circle at Princeton University, wanted to make the same point as Walzer. "I did not go out with her, but other guys did," he said in an email Tuesday night. "I don't think it is my place to say more."

THERE YOU HAVE IT, DILEMMA SOLVED ... but wait! Spitzer "did not go out" with her? In a Spitzer-themed context, "go out with" means "arrange to be transported across state lines for a paid assignation in a fancy hotel room, throughout which he will continue to wear his black socks." I guess we are just back to square one! Unless a woman has engaged in intercourse with the former New York governor as part of an illegal commercial transaction, we cannot be sure about her sexuality. Spitzer-whoring is the litmus test; all else is hearsay.

Also, Kagan's best friend says that they talked about guys all the time and they were always plotting to find her a boyfriend and she's actually totally boy crazy and only wants to be on the court in the first place to meet that hunky Anthony Kennedy, the end. (Thanks to Wonkette hero commentor "Serolf Divad" for the tip.) [Politico]

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Blanket Disclaimer: Spitting on anybody is dead wrong. Even if it's a Trump.

Still, Eric Trump got to eat a tiny slice of the shit pie women, minorities, poors, disabled, and all of the other people who are deemed "takers" or who come from "shithole countries" experience at some point in their lives: He got spit on. By a woman, according to Breitbart (no link), because we are evil. Woe unto the wealthy white man! Wealthy white men are some of the most abused and marginalized people in the Universe, according to wealthy white men, and Eric Trump is no exception. Please cry for wealthy white men, ok you can stop now. Another group of Americans that are constantly abused, marginalized, and even denied their rights by the very same type of wealthy men that spawn such men as Eric Trump, are called "women." And apparently we are mean as fuck now.

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Well folks, we think we have a geopolitical relations first for an American president. We might need to consult with Doris Kearns Goodwin or Kevin Kruse, but we cannot recall a time one of America's purported enemies OR friends has called the president of the United States "retarded" or anything along those lines. We remember leaders hating American presidents. We remember them recoiling like UGH GET OFF ME when an American president tried to give them a friendly sensual love massage during the G8. We remember them literally attacking our democratic elections in order to prevent the inaugurations of potential presidents they despise and fear. But we don't remember anything like this.

President Hassan Rouhani of Iran, commenting on Donald Trump after the Trump administration threw some new sanctions at Iran on Monday:

Iran warned Tuesday that new U.S. sanctions targeting its supreme leader and other top officials meant "closing the doors of diplomacy" between Tehran and Washington amid heightened tensions, even as President Hassan Rouhani derided the White House as being "afflicted by mental retardation."

Here is the full quote, in case you were wondering if something was lost in translation, like that time Vladimir Putin called Trump "brilliant" and Trump was so excited he left a ring of orange jizz around the bathtub, but what Putin actually said in Russian more accurately translates as "colorful" or "shiny." There's no confusion here:

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