We Are Too Busy Laughing At Needy Loser Elon Musk To Write A Proper Headline Right Now
Good morning, it is time for you to laugh and laugh and laugh, because the most pathetic thing in human history has happened. Obviously it is about Elon Musk. That man seems hellbent on proving to Donald Trump that HE, NOT TRUMP, is the most laughed-at man in the world. And yeah, it is far more pathetic than Elon firing that engineer for telling him the hard truth that maybe he's not getting much engagement because people don't like him anymore.
But it's a natural progression from that.
Look at this Elon tweet.
Sounds harmless enough, yeah? Twitter is hot garbage ever since Elon got his meat paws on it, and he's in there under the hood trying to fuck it up some more and make it more friendlier to Catturd or whatever. Same shit, different day?
Platformer reports that "Yes, Elon Musk created a special system for showing you all his tweets first" — that's the headline — and that he did this because he was upset that Joe Biden's Super Bowl tweet got more love than his own Super Bowl tweet got. He convened all the forces, it was all hands on deck, because the president of the United States got more likes than he did.
Time for our favorite .gif!
Platformer's got the sources and the receipts on this one. We're guessing they read the Slack chats. They say it started at 2:36 a.m. on Monday — hours after the Super Bowl ended. If you remember, Elon had attended the Super Bowl and sat with Rupert Murdoch. Considering how cool those guys are, you might think they were out on the town for an all-night fuckfest but NO YOU'RE WRONG!
“We are debugging an issue with engagement across the platform,” wrote [James] Musk, a cousin of the Twitter CEO, tagging “@here” in Slack to ensure that anyone online would see it. “Any people who can make dashboards and write software please can you help solve this problem. This is high urgency. If you are willing to help out please thumbs up this post.”
Elon was awake, but Elon wasn't doing Animal House scenes with Rupert Murdoch. He was sad about tweets.
Biden’s tweet, in which he said he would be supporting his wife in rooting for the Philadelphia Eagles, generated nearly 29 million impressions. Musk, who also tweeted his support for the Eagles, generated a little more than 9.1 million impressions before deleting the tweet in apparent frustration.
Time for another .gif!
Truly there has never been anything needier or more pathetic than this.
Platformer says Elon got on his private jet to DEMAND ANSWERS, about why his tweet didn't get as many likes as Joe Biden's tweet.
Within a day, the consequences of that meeting would reverberate around the world, as Twitter users opened the app to find that Musk’s posts overwhelmed their ranked timeline. This was no accident, Platformer can confirm: after Musk threatened to fire his remaining engineers, they built a system designed to ensure that Musk — and Musk alone — benefits from previously unheard-of promotion of his tweets to the entire user base.
This is why all his tweets were suddenly goddamned fucking everywhere. Because he needed them to be. Because he is so lacking in self-awareness that he thinks that IF ONLY you are forced to see his tweets, you will love them and will LOL and think warm and kind thoughts about his very regular penis that is normal and put together exactly like other guys' junk.
By the way last night he was posting very "funny" tweets about how Twitter has a new CEO and it is this dog, we are guessing because PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE IF I PUT CUTE PUPPIES IN MY TWEETS WILL YOU LIKE THEM HEAVY BREATHING PLEASE?
So anyway, apparently after Elon fired that engineer for telling him the cold hard truth about how unloved he is, he told the rest of the engineers that if they didn't fix it, they were fired too. And then the Super Bowl thing happened.
Roughly 80 people were pulled in to work on the project, which had quickly become priority number one at the company. Employees worked through the night investigating various hypotheses about why Musk’s tweets weren’t reaching as many people as he thought they should and testing out possible solutions.
Maybe it was because everybody has blocked and/or muted him. Maybe it's that other thing about how everybody hates him. But maybe they just weren't forcing Elon down everybody's throats enough! Now they will!
Twitter deployed code to automatically “greenlight” all of Musk’s tweets, meaning his tweets will bypass Twitter’s filters designed to show people the best content possible.
No more quality control when Elon's feelings are at stake!
The algorithm now artificially boosted Musk’s tweets by a factor of 1,000 – a constant score that ensured his tweets rank higher than anyone else’s in the feed.
Did the algorithm boost your tweets by a factor of 1,000 or you just happy to see me? That would be a good pickup line if you were sexually attracted to Elon and his regular penis, AND YOU ARE.
Internally, this is called a “power user multiplier,” although it only applies to Elon Musk, we’re told.
Time for another .gif! A very specific one!
Anyway you can read the whole thing and you should, but we have to stop because we're going to injure ourselves laughing if we don't.
Platformer says the Elon tweet above was probably a reaction to everybody else reacting to having Elon forced down their throat all day Monday.
And can we just say that we are now obsessed with the lovely tech reporters of Platformer and how they totally have Elon's number and also have sources that leak all this hilarious crap about him the way Donald Trump's most secretly contemptuous minions spill all his embarrassing secrets to Maggie Haberman?
Delightful, it is all delightful.
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