BUH BYE. Missouri's rapey governor Eric Greitens has finally, finally resigned. And good riddance!

So did this guy decide to GTFO because his affair with his hairdresser was revealed? No. Is it because he's alleged to have tied her up, blindfolded her, snapped a photo and threatened to publish the picture if she ever mentioned his name? Nope. Is it because he allegedly pulled her down to the ground and wouldn't let her leave until she performed oral sex on him? Not that one either. Is it because the woman testified to the investigatory committee that Greitens slapped her face when she admitted to having sex with her own husband? Nah, this guy's shameless.

None of that stuff fazed him. Not getting arrested, not going to trial, not being denounced by his fellow Republicans, not the appointment of a special prosecutor. After sticking by him for weeks, the Missouri GOP finally hit the panic button, fearing that the scandal would tank Attorney General Josh Hawley's shot at unseating Democratic Senator Claire McCaskill. And still, Greitens stood up at the podium and told them all to get fucked, because he wasn't going anywhere.


The investigation into Greitens's campaign finances started to pick up steam. And just a few hours after a court ordered him to turn over records of communications between the Greitens campaign and his charity The Mission Continues, the governor made a beeline for the exit. Because it's harder to employ that BITCHES BE LYIN' defense if there are, just for example, emails between you and your former staffers discussing the importance of using your charity's mailing list to solicit campaign contributions. Or agreeing to delay your official announcement so as to evade reporting requirements. Or pay stubs showing campaign workers getting paid out of your own business, which didn't get reported as a campaign contribution.


There's also the matter of Greitens's PAC A New Missouri. Former Greitens staffer Michael Hafner testified to the Missouri House that Greitens ignored his advice to set up an official committee in 2014 when he started planning a run for governor to comply with ethics regulations. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports,

After Hafner discussed the advice he gave Greitens in early 2014, that he should form a committee with the Missouri Ethics Commission as soon as he started spending money on political activities, state Rep. Jeannie Lauer, R-Blue Springs, asked about the nature of the activity of some of the committees that the governor eventually did form. One of them, A New Missouri, is a 501(c)(4) nonprofit organization that hasn't disclosed its donors like other political action committees. It is this committee that — long after Hafner was no longer working for Greitens — raised most of the governor's money and continues spending it, in a way that leaves taxpayers in the dark about who is funding the governor's activities.
“What is the purpose of a (c)(4)?" Lauer asked Hafner.
He didn't hesitate:
“To conceal the identity of donors."

Well, yeah, NO SHIT! But who were those donors anyway?

“There were conversations we had where foreign money was discussed," Hafner said on Tuesday. It wasn't the first time he made such a statement. When he did so previously, in a closed session, [Missouri Rep. Jay] Barnes took the information to the FBI, suspecting a potential federal crime.

Wait, you mean you are supposed to go to the FBI when you have information that foreign nationals are trying to influence a campaign? Who would have fucking thunk it.

And then shit got real. Because you might be able to run the rope-a-dope on the locals when the GOP controls every branch of government. But you're gonna have a lot harder time if the feds come sniffing around about foreign contributions.

So Eric Greitens is out. The soon-to-be-former governor is scheduled to testify next week before the House, he's been ordered to divulge donor information, and there's a special counsel looking into the sexual misconduct allegations. Will the Missouri GOP take the investigation on a long trip over the summer and leave it out on the farm where it can run free and never be seen again? Or is that stink all over Josh Hawley already?

DUNNO. We'll keep you posted.

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[St. Louis Post-Dispatch / St. Louis Post-Dispatch, / St. Louis Post-Dispatch, FTW]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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