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"Goddammit, I have to Bible-splain Goatfucker now, don't I," said we, because that is how all of our Christian sermons begin.

Let us tell you why we are about to give Erick "Goatfucker" Erickson the what-for, though. Pete Buttigieg -- AKA Mayor Pete, AKA all kinds of sophomoric names we could give except for how the Chapo guys kinda ruined that for the entire internet this week -- is running for president. Mayor Pete is both a married 37-year-old gay man and a devout and outspoken Christian. And USA Today did a really great piece about Mayor Pete's faith, and his experience of it, which is not all that different from our own personal experience of it, as a 38-year-old gay man who is also a classical pianist, etc., and so forth.

"This is a nice article," we said to ourselves, after we read it. Mayor Pete said things like this:

Buttigieg criticized right-wing Christians for "saying so much about what Christ said so little about, and so little about what he said so much about."

This is just a true fact, and a good way of putting it. Those of us who were raised in the conservative Christian church and lived to tell the tale can tell you chapter and verse on how conservative Christian motherfuckers mangle scripture for their own bigoted purposes, all while setting forth a narrative that they and only they are "serious" about their faith.

His point, in case that wasn't clear enough, was this:

"When I think about where most of Scripture points me, it is toward defending the poor, and the immigrant, and the stranger, and the prisoner, and the outcast, and those who are left behind by the way society works. And what we have now is this exaltation of wealth and power, almost for its own sake, that in my reading of Scripture couldn't be more contrary to the message of Christianity. So I think it's really important to carry a message (to the public), knitting together a lot of groups that have already been on this path for some time, but giving them more visibility in the public sphere."

Conservatives dismiss it as pure unabashed liberal claptrap when we point out that Jesus -- you know, the guy the religion is named after -- literally would not STFU about protecting the poor, immigrants, outcasts, literally anyone shunned by society. It was kind of His thing. And He wasn't big on giving oneself the glory when you do those things you're supposed to be doing anyway, and you can see in Mayor Pete's discussion of his own religious faith that he feels the same way. After he cited his favorite Bible verse (the "least of these" one), he also cited Matthew 6:5, which begins, "And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men." (KJV)

And yeah, the other half of Buttigieg's argument about what Jesus did and did not focus on is that it's kind of fucking mindblowing how these conservatives at the Church Of Holy Jesus No Buttfucking No Abortion House Of Prayer (when you're non-denominational, you can make up your own theology!) are so obsessed with two things Jesus didn't say a damn word about. The point is that if that was important to Jesus, you'd think He might have spared at least an aside during the Beatitudes, like "blessed are the poor, blessed are the meek, NO BONER GAMES WITH DUDES, OK?"

But He did not.

Now let's talk about Erick Goatfucker Erickson and his stupid Goatfucking article about Pete Buttigieg's faith.


Oh fuck you up the ass with a chicken-fried goat leg, Erick. (If you can't remember why we call Erick Erickson a goatfucker, it's because he -- a very serious conservative Christian! -- once Christian-ly wrote that former Supreme Court Justice David Souter was a "goat-fucking child molester." And so now we call him that, because sometimes the goat fits.)

Anyway, what Erick Erickson took from the Buttigieg article is that Buttigieg -- A GAY, HAVE YOU HEARD HE IS A GAY? -- thinks all this stuff Jesus didn't talk about is cool, so he obviously thinks fucking goats is OK, right? (Sadly, Erick, we don't think President Buttigieg would be giving conservative bloggers from the cousin-fucking counties of Georgia hall passes for goatfucking. Sorry!)

What follows the misspelled word in Erickson's headline -- it's "bestiality," you pimpled nutsack! -- is a bunch of poorly thought out arguments about why Jesus IS TOO really mad about gays and 'bortions and gay-bortions too:

Never mind that Christ pretty explicitly said, in addition to taking care of the widows, the refugees, and the poor, that we are to take care of the children as well. And never mind that scripture is explicitly clear that Jesus was conceived by the Holy Spirit, meaning he was Jesus at conception.

But you see, that would actually have been a good time for Jesus to mention that He also meant unformed fetuses. He was right there, saying "children"! But He did not. The thing about the Holy Spirit's jizz being literally Jesus is ... well, we didn't know Erickson was a Creationist Obstetrician! But we will just add that to his list of skills.

If Buttigieg's logic, as Powers describes it, is consistent, then in the same way that abortion is okay because Jesus did not talk about it, bestiality is okay because Jesus did not talk about it.

And Jesus didn't talk about iPhones or marble countertops or Marie Kondo-ing your life or Ugg boots or paying off porn stars in order to help your own presidential campaign either. It's almost as if Jesus expected us to have enough fucking moral sense to make some of these judgments for ourselves.

So then let us use our own fucking moral sense for a moment!

Abortion: Well, if Jesus was Jesus at the moment of fertilization, it's a damn good thing that fertilized egg implanted on Mary's uterine wall, since 22 percent of "pregnancies" at that stage fail to implant and 31 percent that implant miscarry on their own. God's the biggest abortionist of all, turns out! However point is that we have decided as a society that women have agency over their own bodies to make that decision for themselves, and that includes making their own moral judgments about it.

Bestiality: A GOAT CANNOT CONSENT, ERICK, NO MATTER WHETHER OR NOT YOU THINK "MEE-EEE-E-H-EH-EH!" MEANS YES!

Homosexuality, because that's really what Erick is getting at here, which is that Pete Buttigieg is gay and God Hates Fags: And yet again we're back to consenting adults with moral agency! Two really hot dudes who want to bone can do that!

Look, it's three things Jesus never talked about, and we just figured 'em out!

Now, Erick Erickson also claims (because he is a Biblically illiterate shithole person who likes to insert his own bigotry into the Bible, which is actually scripturally a no-no) that Jesus did talk about homosexuality.

Ironically, Jesus did say that marriage is between a man and a woman, and Buttigieg married another man.

The verse Erickson fails to cite, but that's OK because we already know which one it is, is Matthew 19:4-5, where Jesus quotes Genesis to the Pharisees:

And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

This is the conservative Christian go-to verse for swearing up and down that Jesus DID TOO say God Hates Fags. The first section, about "male and female," is interesting, because Jesus was well aware of and accepting of eunuchs, who lived outside that gender binary. (Genesis was all about binaries -- night and day, heaven and earth, etc.) But that's a bag of biblical scholarship for another day, because we're more concerned about the second part, where Jesus says a man "shall cleave to his wife, and the twain shall be one flesh." He's telling the Pharisees what they already know about the Hebrew scriptures, but He's not remotely speaking in such a way as to say, "AND THIS IS THE ONLY WAY THAT SHALL EVER BE CONSIDERED HOLY!" Indeed, He talks about eunuchs three seconds later, and all of this is in the context of a conversation about whether divorce is OK.

In other words, Jesus's proclamation on homosexuality it ain't. (Because there isn't one.) Also, all this shit happened in first century Palestine for fucks sake. Hate to break it to goatfuckers, but the fact that we understand much more about the science of gender and sexuality than they did in those days actually does matter.

But anyway, Erickson doesn't expect Buttigieg to know any of this, and he definitely doesn't expect us to know it, because here's why:

But he is not really Christian so much as he is Episcopalian.

Riiiiiiight. Episcopalians aren't real Christians.

Story time: A long time ago, before we were here at yr Wonkette, we were in the sort of sales that involved face-to-face visits with clients at their homes. (NO WE WERE NOT A HOOKER, YOU ASSHOLES.) A client, a woman who went to the conservative Presbyterian church we used to go to, the one we left (and quit our job at) because we had come out of the closet and knew we'd be fired anyway, asked if we had found a new church home. (That is a question conservative Christian southerners ask.) Not really wanting to engage, we sorta bullshitted that we'd been going to this one Episcopal church sometimes, which happens to be one of the oldest churches in the city, a church that really walks its walk and gets its hands dirty in the community, and oh yeah, it's SUPER gay-friendly. Pained, the client asked, "But are you sure you're hearing the GOSPEL there?" The implication was clear.

Our point is that shitty comments about Episcopal churches are conservative Christian inside jokes about how they're not real churches for real Christians, and they started mostly when the Episcopal church was the first major denomination to leave behind the God Hates Fags lifestyle in a meaningful way, forcing so-called Bible-believin' Christians to abandon it in search of places where they really shit on the queers, and also if the music could be a little less complicated, that would be cool, too!

Laura Ingraham alluded to this in her asshole column about Buttigieg this week. Erickson comes right out and says it, because he's got the table manners of a person who is currently fucking a goat.

Here's how Erickson closes his post:

The problem with heterodox Christians is that they spend so much time dwelling on Jesus's words and little to no time on the meaning of those words.

Yep, that's the problem, you betcha!

In summary and in conclusion, Erick Erickson is clearly very threatened in the masculine way by Pete Buttigieg, who is brilliant and well-spoken and wears his faith on his sleeve, and oh yeah, he's a gay guy with a gay husband, and they do gay things together, like cook dinner and play with their dogs. (They probably even have sex! You know, like couples do.) If Buttigieg's presidential campaign really takes off, we'll be hearing more of this from the True Christian Backward-Ass Goatfucker set, because it is still 1998 for them, and they can't handle the fact that almost 70 percent of Americans would be cool with a gay president.

Can't hardly fuckin' wait.

Finally, to those who can't handle the #BibleKnowledge in this blog post because OMG THAT GUY SAID CUSSES, let us remind you that one thing Jesus was known for was literally overturning tables when He was pissed off, so let us gracefully suggest that if first century Aramaic had a word for "FUUUUUUUUUUUCK," it would have been Jesus's favorite word.

Also, fuck you.

Also, OPEN THREAD, HAVE ONE.

[USA Today / The Resurgent]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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