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We have long felt that one of the best parts of the Robert Mueller investigation will be either when we get a perp walk or an FBI raid on Blackwater shit-mouthed Jesus sadist Erik Prince and his stupid blond hair that's always so perfect he looks like he's about to go meet some dude named Kevin he met at the gym for some old fashioned ass sex. [Editrix: "Evan, do we want to be less YOU ARE GAY about this?" Evan: "No."]

Well, this isn't a perp walk or an FBI raid, but we learned last week that Prince has been "cooperating" with Mueller. It registered as a blip on our radar, because we figured he just walked in and tried to lie to Mueller, just like he did with the House Intelligence Committee. But now ABC News is reporting that Mueller also took Prince's computer and his Obamaphone, so FYI, Kevin, in case you've been wondering why Erik Prince hasn't texted back (allegedly):


ABC News has ... learned that Mueller is also reviewing Prince's communications, a sign that Mueller could try to squeeze Prince, as he has others, probing potential inconsistencies in his sworn testimony in an attempt to pressure him to turn into a witness against other targets of the investigation. In response to questions from ABC News, a spokesperson for Prince released a statement noting that Prince has provided Mueller with "total access to his phone and computer."

"As Mr. Prince told the Daily Beast he has spoken voluntarily with Congress and also cooperated completely with the Special Counsel's investigation, including by providing them total access to his phones and computer," the spokesperson said.

Prince's spokesperson added, as usual, that Prince has "a lot of opinions about the various investigations," by which they mean that Prince is an international mercenary who believes he doesn't have to follow any laws besides those laid out in the really murdery-sections of the Bible, and has been that way for over a decade now, ever since his Blackwater blazed a trail of murder through Iraq. Therefore, if Prince is going to be part of an international conspiracy to steal democracy from Americans and give it to Donald Trump, the Russians, and an assortment of other international businessmen, then that is obviously the will of White Jesus (whose blond hair is just as perfect as Erik's) and we commoners shan't question it.

Erik Prince is a real piece of shit.

We already know Erik Prince has been under investigation regarding the meeting he attended in the Seychelles in January 2016 with Kirill Dmitriev, the manager of a Kremlin-linked Russian investment fund, about creating back channels between Trump and the Kremlin. We still dunno why they needed that, considering how Trump was mere days away from his inauguration at that point, but then again, we don't understand a whole lot of things stupid criminals do. Prince had lied and said he just had a quickie encounter with the Russian in the hotel bar, but George Nader, the Lebanese-American business-dude who has worked for the United Arab Emirates and is now a cooperating witness for Robert Mueller, says it was quite a bit more than that. He would know, since he brokered the meeting.

But wait, there's more! ABC News refers to Prince's earlier congressional testimony and notes that he might have lied a whole bunch more about his Russian contacts:

Prince had a simple answer when asked by Rep. Eric Swalwell, a Democrat from California, whether he ever had any "investments" or "business partnerships with Russian nationals."

"Zero," Prince replied.

Two of Prince's former business associates, both of whom asked to remain anonymous, told ABC News they have been contacted by investigators probing a pair of proposed business deals between the Hong Kong-based security firm Frontier Services Group, of which Prince is the founder and chairman, and Russian nationals.

And Robert Mueller has been asking Prince's former associates, "How much he lyin' right now" and Prince's former associates are like "OMG which Russian do you want to know about" and Robert Mueller is like "LOL I am going to LOCK HER UP forever."

Head to ABC News if you want all the details, but basically there is a "previously undiclosed alliance" with a guy named Dimitriy Streshinskiy, who is just a "former Russian special forces soldier turned arms dealer and manufacturer." And what did he and Erik Prince do together? Oh, they just tried to do some illegal contracts in Azerbaijan, ALLEGEDLY. And then there is Rostec, a "Russian state-owned energy firm," which Prince's Frontier Services Group also did some kind of nookie with. Prince's spokesperson says these things don't count because they were before the Trump campaign, but we say fuck that.

Point is, Robert Mueller has Erik Prince's Obamaphone and his computer, and as soon as Mueller is done reading those, he will do raids on all of Erik Prince's shit, so he can look at Prince's REAL computer and his REAL Obamaphone, not the burners Prince bought on his way to Mueller's office, and then after that, at some point, Prince will get the old "LOCK HER UP" treatment, hopefully before we all die of anxiety, and Prince's stupid blond hair will never ever look perfect again because the commissary in prison will probably not stock that hair product he likes, THE END.

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[ABC News]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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