Everybody But Trump Agrees: GO THE F*CK TO JAIL, ROGER STONE

Attorney General Bill Barr is pretty sure Roger Stone should just go ahead and go the fuck to jail next week, like he's supposed to, for his crimes of lying to Congress, witness tampering, and obstruction of justice. Yes, despite ALLLLLLL the fuckery Barr's Department of Justice has pulled in Stone's sentencing, and despite how a whistleblower came forward and testified to Congress that Stone was specifically getting special treatment because he is BFFs with Donald Trump. That whistleblower, of course, was one of the prosecutors who resigned from the Stone case after Barr's henchmen interfered with the sentencing recommendations.

Last night, Barr told ABC News something he's said before, which is that the prosecution of Stone was a "righteous" one, and also go the fuck to jail:

"I think the prosecution was righteous and I think the sentence the judge ultimately gave was fair," Barr said in an interview with ABC News.

Even Bill Barr!

Stone has been trying to get out of going to prison for his crimes for a while now. He tried to get out of reporting to the hoosegow for an extra two months, because he's allegedly worried about coronavirus, and we guess they don't make masks that fit that shape of head. Judge Amy Berman Jackson said fuck off, but gave him an extra two weeks to stay at home and make sure he doesn't have the corona-cooties, moving his report date to July 14.

Then Stone decided to beg the DC appeals court to save him, because of all of his medical issues. The Justice Department followed up with a filing today, saying it also too agrees that Roger Stone should See You (in jail) Next Tuesday, just like the judge said.

So Stone's only hope is a pardon from his best crime-buddy Donald Trump. He's been begging, just fuckin' everywhere, including on social media. Texting with Bloomberg News, Stone said, "I want the president to know that I have exhausted all my legal remedies and that only an act of clemency will provide justice in my case and save my life!"

He continued:

"I want to live long enough for my appeal to be heard because my appeal will expose the misconduct of the judge, the misconduct of the jury forewoman, the misconduct of at least one other juror and the criminal misconduct of the prosecutors; therefore I am highly confident of exoneration on appeal," Stone said.

Commence dramatic jerk-off motions now! Hey, y'all remember when Paul Manafort just couldn't possibly go to prison because of his gout? We prayed about that, just like we will pray about whatever is ailing poor Roger Stone.

After the Bloomberg texts were published, Stone got MAD on Instagram and said he's not begging for ANYTHING.

"Anyone who reads my statement can clearly see I have not 'begged' the president for anything," Stone wrote. "I was so completely railroaded by brain-dead Robert Mueller's dirty cops that I have openly said that I am praying for clemency from the president."

We would post you that Instagram post, except uh oh, Roger Stone just got banned from Instagram after posting naughty memes about Judge Amy Berman Jackson.

Trump has seemed inclined to give Stone the pardon he's seeking for a while, regardless of whether or not Stone is "begging":

A couple weeks later, Trump RTed some more bullshit about pardoning stone. Maggie Haberman reported on Twitter this week that Trump still feels the same way.

Weird how Trump is literally the only one who wants to give Stone a reacharound. Even Trump's bagman at Justice and the department that guy leads are saying go the fuck to jail. Maybe Barr has been around Washington long enough that he sees the writing on the wall, has some semblance of a clue what's coming, and maybe even is starting to figure out that whatever October surprise he's got planned with his OBAMAGATE! Durham probe is probably going to fall and break its dick, and then Donald Trump won't be president ever again.

Speaking of, Gabe Sherman has one of his new special deliveries for us, and it includes this update about how Trump wants to pardon/commute Stone's sentence SO BAD, even though literally everybody is against it. That shit-gargoyle White House counsel Pat Cipollone? Against it. Barr? Officially "told Trump not to do it," and that "if he does there will be a mutiny at DOJ," according to one of Sherman's sources. But is Trump going to do it anyway for a Friday night news dump? Oh yeah probably.

People close to Trump fear he won't listen. "You can't underestimate how hard it is to get information through to him," a Republican close to the White House said. "When you talk to him, he just talks at you. He doesn't like to read memos, so there's not really a way to get through to him. Everyone agrees."

Truly, for Trump, when two roads diverge in a wood, he will always pick the path covered in shit, and proceed to step in all of it and eat it. He's dumb like that.

Tomorrow night's Friday news dumps are going to be so stupid.

[Vanity Fair / Bloomberg / CNBC]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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