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Very important Fox News "legal" analyst "Judge" Andrew Napolitano is often a great big Trump fluffer, known for blowing conspiracy theories right into the president's dickhole. He was the one who gave Trump the crazy idea that "Obama people" had done "wire tapps" right inside his fanny, for instance.

But sometimes Napolitano is weirdly sane. When the feds did an early morning panty raid on all of Paul Manafort's panties, Napolitano said if they do a raid like that, that means there's a there there. (He was right!) Another time, one million years ago during the fake-ass "Spygate" scandal (remember that one? us neither), Napolitano said right into the TV camera and thus directly into the president's brain that "Spygate" was a bunch of horseshit. He even thinks the DoJ was right to indict criming Republican congressmen Duncan Hunter and Chris Collins, just because they did all those crimes. And he took CNN's side in the White House's war on Jim Acosta.

So ... you never know what you're gonna get with Napolitano, we guess. But here he is again, being correct! Commenting on the Southern District of New York's sentencing memo on Michael Cohen, which strongly asserted that "Individual 1" was either complicit in or directed some of Michael Cohen's crimes, Napolitano said this:


Fox legal analyst says he can't imagine Trump not being indicted www.youtube.com

The most dangerous to the president -- filing last week, was the filing by federal prosecutors here in New York. Professional prosecutors, not Bob Mueller's team ...

Oh fuck you, Fox News asshole, you can't be correct without saying something dickish and wrong first, can you? Does Fox stipulate that as a requirement for any time somebody wants to say something on air that's factually sound?

Anyway, moving on:

... saying that the president paid Michael Cohen to commit a crime. Now under the law, that would make the president as criminally liable as Cohen.

Yeah that's how that RICO Suave stuff works, as we understand.

This is the Southern District of New York. This is the oldest and most prestigious federal prosecutors' office in the country. They would not make an allegation like that if they did not have corroborated evidence to support it. And they cannot make an allegation like that unless they're going to do something with it.

Well, there you go! Fox News dude is saying that SDNY wouldn't have put that in there if it didn't have the evidence, and that it probably plans to DO SOMETHIN' WITH IT. He goes on to note that the Department of Justice does have guidelines (not laws) against indicting a sitting president, but also notes that even if those guidelines were binding (they're not, it's just a memo), that's not the end of the road for SDNY, which could file a sealed indictment that would stop the statute of limitations from running out, so that Trump could be arrested the second Kamala Harris or Beto O'Rourke takes the oath of office in January of 2021.

This was broadcast, again, on Fox News. (And it wasn't Shep Smith, doing his mid-afternoon Moment Of Sanity.)

Napolitano wasn't done, though! He decided to get real mad at Rudy Giuliani, former US attorney who fucking ran SDNY, for being such an absolute moron about all this. Napolitano was particularly irked at Giuliani directing criticism at SDNY:

It's very strange to hear Rudy criticizing his former office. [...] They persuaded a federal judge and the lawyers for Michael Cohen that the hundreds of thousands of dollars that were paid to silence the women who say they had relations with the President, which the President has denied, was either a campaign contribution or an expenditure by the campaign. Both of which are crimes.

BOTH. OF. WHICH. ARE. CRIMES. (Wonkette lawsplained exactly what crimes were committed right here, if you missed it.)

I think Rudy should understand that. I believe that the President and Rudy mock the government at their peril. That's how serious these allegations are.

Hey, Judge Napolitano, is there any debate over whether these payoffs were a crime?

It is not debatable.

All righty then! As the old expression goes, a stopped Fox News is right twice a year!

And one more time, what crimes did Donald Trump commit here, if SDNY is right about everything? (SPOILER: SDNY doesn't miss.)

It's the crime, it's conspiracy to commit the crime, and it's procuring someone [Cohen] to commit a crime. So he's actually [...] exposed to more criminal activity than Michael Cohen.

Yeah, what that Fox News guy said!

This has been a guest #lawsplainer from Andrew Napolitano, who appears to have taken his meds this week.

So what does this all mean? Well, it means if we want a perp walk from Trump, for these and all of Trump's other crimes, we better hope he gets indicted under seal, and that he's voted out of office in the natural way in 2020, because President Kamala or President Beto won't pardon Trump like a common whiny ass fucking loser Gerald Ford, who thought the only way to heal America after Watergate was to go ahead and pardon Nixon. (Seriously, the greatest political lie we ever heard growing up from Republicans who lived through Watergate is that Ford pardoning Nixon was the right thing to do.)

If Trump has to resign and Mike Pence is sworn in, you know exactly what that smirking creepstain will do.

KAMA-BETO HARRIS-O'ROURKE 2020! (Or whomever.)

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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