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Happy Friday, Wonketariat! Have some special Fiona Nice Time, and take a gander at some of the things we may be talking about today!


Fourteen people were killed during two terrorist attacks in Spain yesterday that left many wounded, copying attacks seen in Berlin, London, Stockholm and Nice.

Trump again brought up his magic bullet theory to kill Islamic extremists in response to the attacks in Spain.

Trump and President Bannon are basking in the culture war they've started, with Bannon telling WaPo that Trump's racism is one of his best qualities.

Trump has convened a meeting of cabinet officials (and Mike Pence) to sell the war in Afghanistan to Erik Prince's merry band of money-hungry mercenaries.

Meanwhile, generals in Afghanistan don't know what the fuck is going on in Washington while soldiers are dying on the other side of the world, seemingly unbeknownst to Trump.

The Navy relieved two top officers involved in a deadly accident in Japanese waters after an early report concluded "inadequate leadership" was a contributing factor. And in the military, leadership starts with the chief executive.

Sen. Bob Corker called out the big, fat puss-grabbing elephant in the room in an interview with a local news outlet. Corker stated Trump "needs to move to a place where daily he’s waking up thinking about what’s best for the nation,” as opposed to rubbing one out during Fox and Friends.

The DOJ is ending "Operation Choke Point," an Obama era program that tried to ferret out fraud perpetrated by businesses from payday lenders to gun retailers.

President Bannon wants to "You're Fired" the top US Asian diplomat, Susan Thornton, in order to start a war, but what's left of the State Department is aggressively fighting back.

REXXON and Jim Mattis are warning of "strong military consequences" if the DPRK shoots first, but they also caution that we shouldn't be stocking up on canned goods and Twinkies just yet.

Trump's aides HR McMaster and Dina Powell are not happy to be defending a Nazi president, but they're worried about what would happen if they left.

Wall Street tanked over reports that Gary Cohn might resign, forcing the White House to beg call reports of Cohn's resignation greatly exaggerated.

Trump's White House is losing more top cybersecurity officials and it's having trouble finding people willing to leave the stability of the tech sector for the nut house in Washington.

Trump is having a sad about all the Confederate participation trophies people keep tearing down in disgust.

Now that Republicans are tepidly criticizing Trump, how might the US enact the 25th Amendment to "You're Fired" President Puss-grab?

The ACLU will no longer defend groups that protest with firearms as it considers people marching through streets with semi-automatic weapons and itchy trigger fingers fully capable of defending themselves from regular folks hurling mean words. [Archive]

Three YUGE fundraisers at Mar-a-Lago were canceled after they heard Trump's neo-Nazi rhetoric, and they're really kicking Trump where it hurts most (his wallet).

Pretty much the entire city of Chicago's voter data was leaked out by an electronic voting system company that just left the data on the cloud without a password. Thanks, dicks.

Tampa, Florida, residents raised over $180,000 in less then 24 hours to remove a Confederate statue from downtown Tampa after rich guys and sportball teams donated thousands of Ameros. A lawyer who organized the effort stated that citizens "fixed the problem because it didn't appear that the county could."

Some cowardly asshole knocked over an anti-hate protest statue in Baltimore that was placed near a Confederate statue in 2015, with the artist commenting on the irony that two years ago the police had issued a fine for its initial placement.

A statue of former SCOTUS Justice Roger Taney was taken down in Annapolis, Maryland, and now pigeons don't what they're supposed to shit all over.

An Arizona Confederate monument to Jefferson Davis was tarred and feathered. Literally.

Maine's loony Governor Paul Le Page is mad that people are tearing down Confederate statues and memorials, and likens it to "taking down the monuments of those who perished in 9/11." [h/t JoeMyGod]

World's worst houseguest Julian Assange turned down 68 gigs of leaked Russian government documents reported to contain evidence of high level corruption in the Russian government because he thought the stuff was already public, and it would have probably killed his bootleg talk show on Russian state TV.

Tech CEOs are caught between love and hate groups that want them to pick sides.

The Daily Stormer already lost its Russian domain shortly after going live when it was immediately DDoS'd to purgatory, before Russian officials slapped it with a ban-hammer for strict hate speech laws.

Conservative media blowhards are singing the praises of their God-Emperor as they continue to try and recast blame onto leftist protest groups that don't walk around with semi-automatic weapons giving Nazi salutes.

Seriously, why the fuck does Jack Posobiec have a Top Secret Security Clearance? Why hasn't he been dishonorably discharged for inciting violence, condoning white supremacy, and trying to screw with elections at home and abroad? That's criminal in the military. [Morning Maddow]

Racist Breitbart troll Chuck Johnson and a two-bit neo-Nazi "hacker" tried to help find Hillary Clinton's missing murder mail, and they've been rewarded with high-level White House access.

Neo-Nazi Chris Cantwell got cucked by e-dating site OKCupid when it deleted his account. Chief Exec Elie Seidman stated the dating site has, "zero tolerance for racism. We make a lot of [decisions] every day that are tough. Banning Christopher Cantwell was not one of them."

The son of Rupert Murdoch, James Murdoch, has pledged $1 million Ameros to the Anti-Defamation League in the wake of Trump's professed love of hate groups. In a memo Murdoch said, "I can't even believe I have to write this: standing up to Nazis is essential; there are no good Nazis. Or Klansmen..."

The guy who wrote Trump's book told Anderson Cooper that he thinks Trump will "You're Fired" himself, and then have a Russian pee hooker victory party before he goes to jail, but we won't believe until we see it.

And here's your late night wrap-up! Stephen Colbert took a brief look back at Gen. Kelly's success (or lack thereof) and had some nice talky time with John DickersonJimmy Kimmel explained the eclipse with an adorable little nerd; Jim Jefferies explained all the bullshit people go through to get a Green Card in America; Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at the Steve Bannon defense; Conan O'Brien got his hands on a brutal phone call between Trump and BamzJames Corden noticed that not all Confederate statues were created equal, then talked with Julia Louis-Dreyfus about her secret murder mail from Hillary Clinton; and Weekend Update did NOT want to talk about old-timey threats to America.

Here's some special nice time advice from Tina Fey for those of us who've started to grow paunchy bellies and pickled livers.

And now, your regularly scheduled morning Nice Time, a silly little Takin!

If you can, kick us a couple of Ameros. We're ad-free, so that means we're only here because of people like you!
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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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