It's funny because it's true.

Seriously, Friday, COME ON, we are ready for some people to quit White House! It is totally Friday BYE-DAY, and according to the news there are a whole lotta people who work inside the walls of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, literally all of whom want to quit (or get fired) and never come back. Unfortunately for some of them, not even the Big Lots off the highway will hire them because if they put "Trump White House" on their application, the manager will assume they are going to steal moneys from the cash register. (ALLEGEDLY. Big Lots actually hasn't made a statement on this, but we are assuming.)

This week we have seen the departure of White House comms director/ironer of Trump's pants Hope Hicks, who quit one day after she admitted to lying for Donald Trump, and weeks after she helped craft the White House response for why her wife-beater then-boyfriend Rob Porter had been working without a permanent clearance, while also being a total wife-beater. According to Maggie Haberman, Hicks had been thinking about it for "months" and just picked this week because there is no "the right time." That is Maggie Haberman's very unlikely story she fell for hook, line and sinker and she is STICKIN' TO IT, and if you question her, she will accuse you of being a common Fake News-er like Josh Marshall at Talking Points Memo:

Also departing White House is Josh Raffel, a communications aide who has served as the spox for Jared 'n' Ivanka. Raffel and Hope Hicks were both involved in that episode last summer where everybody was helping Donald Trump obstruct justice in the Russia investigation by crafting lies about his dumbass son's dumbass Russian spy meeting in Trump Tower. Raffel also helped write the Hope Hicks statement about how her wife-beaty ex-boyfriend Rob Porter is sweet as pie. SO THAT'S COOL.

Let's take a look see at who may be next to GTFO:

H.R. McMaster Maybe About To McMexit!

A big scoop from Nicolle Wallace at NBC News says the White House is "preparing to replace H.R. McMaster as national security adviser as early as next month," which would be WHOA IF TRUE if the five people Wallace talked to are right. It is maybe being pushed by chief of staff John Kelly and defense secretary James Mattis! Rumors of a "McMexit" HAHA WE ARE SO FUNNY AT PUNS have been going around all week, because Trump and McMaster hate each other's guts. You see, McMaster is, like, a grown man, and Donald Trump is, like, a piece of shit turd baby.

McMaster recently hurted Donald Trump right on his feelings when he "forgot," in a statement about how Russians definitely fucked with the 2016 election, to say that Crooked Hillary was the real Russian meddler, and he also "forgot" to say "uranium" and "emails."

You can see why they don't get along. McMaster gets intelligence briefings from the intelligence community, whereas Trump gets them from reading the moles on Sean Hannity's inner thigh. They are clearly at an impasse.

Also, McMaster thinks Donald Trump is a fucking moron, just like Secretary of State Rex Tillerson does, so he will be gettin' outta there as soon as the time is right.

If H.R. McMaster manages to get himself quit-fired and sent back to the military where he'd honestly rather be, Trump's third natsec adviser in 14 months may be a former Bushie who worked for Condi Rice named Stephen Biegun, who will probably have the job for three weeks or so.

Gary Cohn About To COHN HOME Like A Common E.T., Is That A Good Pun, Doktor Zoom?

Gary Cohn, Trump's top economic adviser guy, HATES White House. He is a total Javanka New York Values Democrat, and he is a Jewish person, and he's been grossed out by Donald Trump ever since Trump fawned all over how some of the Charlottesville Nazis were "good people." But apparently what might end up being the last straw isn't Trump saying Nazis are his favorite, but rather Trump's announcement, which pissed off the entire world, that he wants to put a bunch of new tariffs on aluminum and steel. Trump's plan, which is considered stupid by all educated people on both sides of the aisle, sent the stock market into a dive, because of how it is extremely stupid. According to Politico, Cohn worked very hard to convince Trump not to do this latest stupid ass thing, but Trump did the stupid ass thing, because he always does the stupid ass thing, and now Cohn wants to quit.

That's right. It wasn't the Nazis thing that sent Cohn over the edge, it was TARIFFS.

John Kelly Makes 'Joke' About How Much Everything Sucks And He Wants To Go Cry Now

Chief of Staff John Kelly has been in the center of a shitstorm lately, as he was wife-beater Rob Porter's main protector in the White House. Also Jared 'n' Ivanka hate him and think he is very stinky.

Anyway, at an event at the Department of Homeland Security on Thursday, Kelly made a "joke" about how he wishes he still worked at DHS but now he works at White House because God is punishing him, isn't that a funny joke about how John Kelly truly madly deeply hates his job?

Errrrbody Else Wants To Quit Too, But Big Lots Probably Ain't Hiring

BuzzFeed has a sad/hilarious story about how a bunch of the underlings who work at White House fucking hate it there and are looking for new jobs, but they can't get new jobs, not even at Big Lots or Claire's in the mall, because nobody wants to hire somebody who worked at the trashy grifty failed Trump White House. (Hell, we wouldn't hire them to walk our dogs.) Tell us how bad it is, "former White House official":

"Things are still pretty bleak inside the White House," the source said. "I've talked to several people in the last week trying to find a way out, but they can't get out because no one is really hiring people with Trump White House experience. Not a fun time to say the least."

LOL HAHA LMAO! Just kidding, we should try to be sympathetic about this, so, um ... tough break, you guys! Nobody could have predicted this!


Come on! Somebody quit! Or get fired! Steal a stapler and get caught, McMaster! You know you wanna! We love watching the Trump White House fail!

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[NBC News / BuzzFeed]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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