Everyone Declares Victory In Iranian Election
Thepolls have closed in Iran's presidential election and we have a winner: it's the American neoconservatives' candidate, beloved hard-right lunatic and homosexual dresser Mahmoud Ahmadinjead! Now we get to bomb them because why not? The dick won! The dick won! In other news, we have another winner in Iran's presidential election: Mir Hussein Moussavi, the reformist candidate, and a secret Muslim, according to the Internet. Yes, everyone is declaring victory, but we're not making a call until we see the exits from Colorado.
TEHRAN — Iran’s state-run news agency declared Iran’s hard-line incumbent, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the winner of Iran’s tumultuous presidential election just two hours after the polls closed, but his main rival, Mir Hussein Moussavi, announced defiantly that he had won.
“I am the absolute winner of the election by a very large margin,” Mr. Moussavi said, adding: “It is our duty to defend people’s votes. There is no turning back.”
Some folks are claiming that Ahmadinejad declared victory way too early -- before all the votes were counted! -- but it looks to us as though he's operating under standard American news network projection guidelines.
In making the announcement that Mr. Ahmadinejad had won, Iran’s election chief said the president had gotten 69 percent of the vote, but that figure was based on only 19 percent of the votes counted.
So yeah... there's just going to be an insane amount of lying and cheating over the next 24 hours.