Everyone Is 'You're Fired.' Wonkagenda For Wed., Nov. 14, 2018

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

"You're Fired"-ings have become a family affair in the Trump administration as Melon Trump tries to kick out all people in the White House who can't #BeBest. First on the chopping block is Mira Ricardel, an underling to National Security 'stache John Bolton. Ricardel, according to Melon's spox, "no longer deserves the honor of serving in this White House." BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! Melon is also trying to "You're Fired" John Kelly for having the balls to tell her no, and being mean to the skeleton crew she calls her staff.

The LA Times reports Trump has locked himself in his room to pout on Twitter like a pissed off teenager. He's "trying to decide who to blame" for the growing Republican losses in the midterms, and to figure out how to spin that WSJ story confirming his pornstar payoffs, while simultaneously embarrassing the US on the international stage by sending cardboard cutouts to pose with leaders from "shithole countries."

Math nerds have (SHOCKINGLY) predicted the economy is headed for a recession, and they're waiting for Trump to start blaming Democrats and the Fed for the fiscal cliff we're about to fall off. This has led some people to think that maybe Trump is a "tariff junkie" who s finding it harder to score his next fix.

Trump has tapped Neomi Rao for the DC Circuit Court seat left open by Justice Rapey McPrivilege. She's a not-white lady who worked with Clarence Thomas, has a letter of recommendation from the Federalist Society, and hates government regulation. That's pretty much all the experience you need to reply to Trump's "Help Wanted" ad.

Arizona Republican Sen. Jon Kyl, the guy keeping John McCain's seat warm, says he doesn't know how long he's going to stick around the Hill. Kyl's got a very fancy lobbying lawyering job up the street, and Rep. Martha McSally could use a new gig, even if it's a temp position.

Maine Republican Rep. Bruce Poliquin wants to stop the state from its ongoing vote count. Maine became the first state to use "ranked-choice" voting, and the subsequent series of run-offs that weed-out candidates nobody likes threatens Poliquin's chance at reelection. Crom forbid a majority of voters actually elect someone they like rather than some weiner who gamed the system.

With current and incoming anti-Pelosi House Democrats "100 percent confident" they could block her reelection as Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi is putting on her game face and tying a chiffon scarf around her knuckles; ready to pummel with pleasantries any Democrat who would dare defy her.

CONGRATULATIONS California 10th! You've kicked Republican Rep. Jeff Denham out of office and elected Democrat Josh Harder, 51 to 49 percent. Denham's loss makes him the 24th House Republican to be "You're Fired" in the midterms!

An alt-right nut in the DC area has been arrested after his family grew concerned that he'd go on a anti-Semitic murder rampage. His family got super worried after he called the Pittsburgh synagogue shooting a "dry run. When police started looking into his Gab account -- because of course he had a Gab account -- they found fantasies about killing "Jews and blacks" and an idolization of MAGA bullshit and mass murderers. A subsequent police raid turned up shotguns, semi-automatic long guns, automatic weapon conversion kits, bulletproof vests, helmets and gas masks.

The bipartisan National Defense Strategy Commission, commissioned by Congress to analyze the Trump administration's military policy, has concluded the administration isn't putting its money where its mouth is, and the US would probably get its ass kicked if we got into a kinetic (read: pew-pew shooty) war with the the increasingly hostile powers in Russia and/or China. A former Pentagon official who helped draft the report stated, "There is a strong fear of complacency, that people have become so used to the United States achieving what it wants in the world, to include militarily, that it isn't heeding the warning signs." At least, according to Trump, the military is much better than under Obama. That's all that matters, right?

Jesus freaks in the Ozarks are pissed off at the pastor of an area megachurch for saying yoga is THE DEVIL, and was "created with demonic intent to open you up to demonic power because Hinduism is demonic." You're not just ain't saluting the sun, you're saluting Satan! Now we'll do the Downward Cerberus pose.

And here's your morning Nice Time! The Scottish Highlands!

The Unique Wildlife of The Scottish Highlands | Short Film Showcasewww.youtube.com

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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