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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


"You're Fired"-ings have become a family affair in the Trump administration as Melon Trump tries to kick out all people in the White House who can't #BeBest. First on the chopping block is Mira Ricardel, an underling to National Security 'stache John Bolton. Ricardel, according to Melon's spox, "no longer deserves the honor of serving in this White House." BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! Melon is also trying to "You're Fired" John Kelly for having the balls to tell her no, and being mean to the skeleton crew she calls her staff.

The LA Times reports Trump has locked himself in his room to pout on Twitter like a pissed off teenager. He's "trying to decide who to blame" for the growing Republican losses in the midterms, and to figure out how to spin that WSJ story confirming his pornstar payoffs, while simultaneously embarrassing the US on the international stage by sending cardboard cutouts to pose with leaders from "shithole countries."

Math nerds have (SHOCKINGLY) predicted the economy is headed for a recession, and they're waiting for Trump to start blaming Democrats and the Fed for the fiscal cliff we're about to fall off. This has led some people to think that maybe Trump is a "tariff junkie" who s finding it harder to score his next fix.

Trump has tapped Neomi Rao for the DC Circuit Court seat left open by Justice Rapey McPrivilege. She's a not-white lady who worked with Clarence Thomas, has a letter of recommendation from the Federalist Society, and hates government regulation. That's pretty much all the experience you need to reply to Trump's "Help Wanted" ad.

Arizona Republican Sen. Jon Kyl, the guy keeping John McCain's seat warm, says he doesn't know how long he's going to stick around the Hill. Kyl's got a very fancy lobbying lawyering job up the street, and Rep. Martha McSally could use a new gig, even if it's a temp position.

Maine Republican Rep. Bruce Poliquin wants to stop the state from its ongoing vote count. Maine became the first state to use "ranked-choice" voting, and the subsequent series of run-offs that weed-out candidates nobody likes threatens Poliquin's chance at reelection. Crom forbid a majority of voters actually elect someone they like rather than some weiner who gamed the system.

With current and incoming anti-Pelosi House Democrats "100 percent confident" they could block her reelection as Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi is putting on her game face and tying a chiffon scarf around her knuckles; ready to pummel with pleasantries any Democrat who would dare defy her.

CONGRATULATIONS California 10th! You've kicked Republican Rep. Jeff Denham out of office and elected Democrat Josh Harder, 51 to 49 percent. Denham's loss makes him the 24th House Republican to be "You're Fired" in the midterms!

An alt-right nut in the DC area has been arrested after his family grew concerned that he'd go on a anti-Semitic murder rampage. His family got super worried after he called the Pittsburgh synagogue shooting a "dry run. When police started looking into his Gab account -- because of course he had a Gab account -- they found fantasies about killing "Jews and blacks" and an idolization of MAGA bullshit and mass murderers. A subsequent police raid turned up shotguns, semi-automatic long guns, automatic weapon conversion kits, bulletproof vests, helmets and gas masks.

The bipartisan National Defense Strategy Commission, commissioned by Congress to analyze the Trump administration's military policy, has concluded the administration isn't putting its money where its mouth is, and the US would probably get its ass kicked if we got into a kinetic (read: pew-pew shooty) war with the the increasingly hostile powers in Russia and/or China. A former Pentagon official who helped draft the report stated, "There is a strong fear of complacency, that people have become so used to the United States achieving what it wants in the world, to include militarily, that it isn't heeding the warning signs." At least, according to Trump, the military is much better than under Obama. That's all that matters, right?

Jesus freaks in the Ozarks are pissed off at the pastor of an area megachurch for saying yoga is THE DEVIL, and was "created with demonic intent to open you up to demonic power because Hinduism is demonic." You're not just ain't saluting the sun, you're saluting Satan! Now we'll do the Downward Cerberus pose.

And here's your morning Nice Time! The Scottish Highlands!

The Unique Wildlife of The Scottish Highlands | Short Film Showcase www.youtube.com

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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An unhinged wannabe fascist who tweets about golden showers did a news conference in the Rose Garden this afternoon. Also, Donald Trump was there.

Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro is in town, and everything about today's public appearance with Trump and Bolsonaro has been real stupid, just like how it was real stupid when Bolsonaro's stupid son was the stupid guest of honor the other night at a stupid Steve Bannon event at the stupid Trump trash palace hotel in DC.

During their pool spray, Trump excitedly told reporters that he was making plans to give NATO privileges to Brazil, because of how Brazil elected a big gross dipshit just like America did. Of course, considering how Trump treats actual NATO countries, Bolsonaro might want to reconsider whether he wants that.

Then a reporter asked him about his blubbering whiny-ass attacks on John McCain, who is still dead.

That's right, Donald Trump didn't even avoid the question about his very embarrassing behavior. He spoke about McCain as if McCain were still alive, whined about McCain killing Obamacare repeal, and concluded by saying, "I was never a fan of John McCain, and I never will be." As for McCain, he will continue living rent-free in the president's nightmares and his face will be the face of Trump's insecurities, because we guess that's what happens to John McCains when they die.

But enough about the pool spray! After they met in the Oval Office and did whatever fascists who should be prohibited entry to the White House via an electric doggie fence do (sniffed each other's butts, probably), they entered the Rose Garden and proceeded to hike their legs on democracy some more.

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Yep, we're breaking out the Wikimedia kitten image for this one.

CNN is out today with a story on members of the anti-vaccination/pro-disease movement who have found a delightful new way to win converts to their side in the war on science: find parents (mothers, generally) who have recently lost a child to a preventable disease, and then harass them on social media, because after all, good people refuse vaccines and anyone who advocates for vaccines must be burned to the ground. As your lawyer (we are not a lawyer), we advise you to secure any hurlable heavy objects near you before reading.

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