Everyone Super Excited For Our Yearly Satanic Illuminati Ritual?

Everyone Super Excited For Our Yearly Satanic Illuminati Ritual?
Queen Rihanna GIF

While lots of people are jazzed for football and snacks and dips and commercials today, I am most excited for the halftime show. Not just because I love Rihanna and do not care about football, but also because it is always very exciting to pay tribute to our lord and master Satan right under the clueless noses of everyone in the country, save the extremely savvy and brilliant people who hang out on conspiracy sites and message boards who have figured out what all of our secret illuminati hand signals mean.

Yes, every year since either forever or Janet Jackson's nipple, we have been using the Superbowl halftime show to harness power, which we do through symbolism. Or something! Honestly I am not totally clear on what it is this is supposed to accomplish.

On one QAnon message board, one user explains "If you thought the Grammy performance was bad, I can only imagine what we will see during the Super Bowl halftime show. Rihanna is a known member of illuminati, a witch, and a Satan worshiper. It's no coincidence to me that a 7.9 magnitude earthquake hit just hours after the Grammys."

Another poster questioned this, asking "I know God has full power and control, but why would He strike another nation with earthquakes if they aren't the ones who put on that satanic ceremony? Why not knock California out?" but that fool was quickly educated by people who understood that it was actually the Satanists themselves who did it, because they have that kind of power and also needed a human sacrifice.

"God probably didn't have anything to do with the Earthquake. It may be HAARP-induced i.e. manmade. A vulnerable fault, a sacrifice - ritual."

"The cabal has the means to create earthquakes, forest fires, manipulate weather. Then they blame it on climate change. They keep repeating the same formula."

"Not a matter of God hitting it. Human sacrifice is a major role in satanic worship. This sacrifice is in the thousands."

See, it all makes sense now.

The really fun thing about the Illuminati these days is that, as far as most of these people are concerned, it is largely made up entirely of people of color, the vast majority of them being music artists — Beyoncé and Jay-Z are in charge of everything, reportedly, but also John Legend and Chrissy Teigen are involved somehow as well. Mary J. Blige, Dr. Dre, Snoop Dogg and everyone else who did the Superbowl halftime show last year? Also in the Illuminati. Katy Perry is also, reportedly, very involved with the Illuminati.

Unfortunately, some of our big Satanic plans will be thwarted this year, thanks to far-right craft store Hobby Lobby, which purchased a major ad during the Superbowl to tell people all about how Jesus just gets them. Even if they are rebels who will never ever be any good. Even if they are rebels who never ever do what they should.

The Rebelwww.youtube.com

Or if they're more of a dinner party and game night type of person.

Dinner Partywww.youtube.com

Despite Hobby Lobby's far-right leanings, the ads are mostly targeted to liberals, like with this ad about how Jesus was the original influencer that features what we can assume is meant to be a Black Lives Matter protester hugging a cop.

The Influencerwww.youtube.com

That is some pretty tough competition we've got there! I guess we are lucky that there isn't one explaining how much Jesus loved brunch.

Slate reports that "the ad group has arranged for volunteers from more than 20,000 churches to respond to questions from viewers through the website. It also features reading plans and a number to text for prayers from volunteers, or words of encouragement." Because probably a whole bunch of heathens are going to see the ad and then decide they want to accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior ... unless the halftime show is really good.

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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