Please Give All Your Menstrual Data To This Nice Tradwife And Peter Thiel
Evie is an online magazine for the modern conservative lady who thinks birth control is evil and that feminism was an evil "scam" (or "psyop" as they literally said in one article) to "destroy the nuclear family by pushing women into the workforce." Peter Thiel is the Trump-adjacent billionaire who took down Gawker and also wrote a book about how "diversity" has destroyed academic rigor. Together, they are the team behind 28byEvie, a new woo-y femtech company that will dole out nutrition and workout advice to subscribers based on their menstrual cycles, as noted by Vice. And it’s definitely not a secret plot to gain access to menstrual data they can then give to police looking to prosecute people for having abortions, we hope!
Sadly, Thiel will not be assisting in the design of the program, but is rather just providing $3 million in seed money.
28 provides women with a hyper-personalized, first-of-its-kind, feminine fitness + holistic wellness experience, powered by custom technology and each user's natural cycle. We provide world-class, customized streaming workouts, nutrition profiles designed for hormone health, and science-based insights into yourself, your relationships, and your work, tailored to your current emotional state.
Who among us doesn't want to get health advice from a site that boldly claims that "painful periods aren't natural" and suggests that they are instead caused by "birth control, plastics and beauty products" that create "hormone imbalances"? People who were literally put on birth control in order to manage their debilitating cramps that they got well before they were allowed to use any "beauty products," probably!
I don't think I've heard that one since the time in fifth grade they sent all of the boys out to recess and we had to sit and watch a bunch of weirdly outdated movies about "becoming a woman."
Perhaps they should also consider teaming up with that one guy who thought you could hold in your period like pee?
Evie's founder, Britney Hugoboom Martinez, explained the impetus for the platform.
28 is at the heart of our movement to lead women toward happier, healthier lives; to destigmatize and demystify menstrual health by empowering women to embrace their nature, not fight against it. It's a call to reclaim control of our bodies in the most natural way possible. If your cycle is your compass, then 28 is your path to healthy hormones and a beautiful, feminine physique. And we’ll be here to support and encourage you every step of the way. We wanted to build something that was incredibly useful, but also something that was beautifully unique. When you see it, you’ll know it was built by us, the same women of Evie who are passionately dedicated to truth, beauty, and innovation.
Not to mention the same women who write articles like "How New Age Spirituality Leads Women To Disturbing Rituals Like Building An Altar For Their Abortion." Plus the approximately 85,000 articles about how birth control is bad. Indeed, most of Evie's content can be summed up in this TikTok Martinez shared the other day about how much better women had it back in the 1950s when they didn't have to have jobs and lavender hair.
The official 28 site claims that its plan is "science-based," which is odd because, although diet and exercise can certainly help with cramps or even with PMS or PMDD, there is definitely no scientific basis for curating one's exercise routine around their menstrual cycle.
28 is a free platform that provides personalized streaming workouts, nutrition profiles, and science-based “horoscope-like” insights for women, designed around the four phases of the natural cycle. Our tech uses nature to determine where you are in your cycle and customizes your daily routine to satisfy your body’s physical and hormonal needs.
But hey! That's $3 million of Peter Thiel's money that isn't going to be going to fund Big Lie-promoting Republican candidates and will pretty much just be flushed down the toilet, so we can't be that mad about it.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse