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Vice President Mike Pence formally accepted the Republican nomination for a second term last night, so it's starting to look like there's only a 50-50 chance Trump will replace him with Nikki Haley. But pundits can always dream. In a bullshit-filled speech at Fort McHenry, one of the airports George Washington liberated during the Civil War, Pence delivered a speech that amounted to a 35-minute version of one of the tongue baths Pence gives Donald Trump at the beginning of every Cabinet meeting. The message was pretty simple: Donald Trump has done the best job of presidenting in human history, and Joe Biden will burn your home down, so Trump deserves at least four more years.

Pence literally called for voters to help Trump "Make America great again, again," so you know the brilliant ideas just keep coming. All Trump needs is the chance to keep doing exactly what he's done so far.

If there's a more compelling case to be made for electing Joe Biden, I can't really top that.

Vice President Mike Pence's 2020 Republican National Convention Speech | FULL youtu.be



In yet another probable violation of the Hatch Act, Pence spoke at the US national monument and historic shrine where Betsy Ross and Martin Luther King Jr. wrote our national anthem, "Born in the USA." He told an audience of about 100 people, many of them veterans and virtually none of whom were wearing face masks, that Donald Trump has done a bang-up job of protecting America from the COVID-19 pandemic. He even expressed sympathy for those who have died, although he didn't mention how many there have been (approaching — wait, no, more than! — 180,000). And who knows, maybe that total will be expanded by this very event, since members of the audience were reportedly not tested for the virus. Trump plans for an audience of over 1000 at his big RNC speech at the White House tonight; we haven't seen any word on whether they'll be tested.

Pence started off on a patriotic note by pointing out the historical significance of Fort McHenry, where great heroes "took their stand for life, liberty, freedom and the American flag." Then he immediately got to work trashing the real enemies of America, Democrats, who "hardly ever mentioned" those great American ideals at their convention last week, because frankly, they're barely even American at all.

Pence offered thoughts and prayers for people in the path of Hurricane Laura, then got to the serious work of explaining Donald Trump Good, Joe Biden Bad. He explained that thanks to Donald Trump, the American economy is the best it's ever been, as long as you have been frozen in amber since mid-February. (And if you ignore little details like how the recovery was actually more robust under Barack Obama, and that the Big Fat Tax Cuts for Rich Fuckwads weren't actually rocket fuel for the economy.)

But thank Crom Donald Trump was such a great leader during the pandemic, because he instituted that travel "ban" that wasn't quite a complete ban, and also did nothing to keep infected travelers from Europe from bringing the virus to the USA. Pence claimed that Trump — who famously took no responsibility for the mess — has led "the greatest national mobilization since World War II," and that he "directed us to forge a seamless partnership with governors across America in both political parties." And whenever there was a shortage, or when testing was wholly inadequate to track the spread of the virus, Trump blamed those governors, not that Pence bothered with the details.

Pence also got in a real good zinger at Joe Biden on the pandemic, noting that at the DNC,

Joe Biden said that no miracle is coming. Well, what Joe does not seem to understand is that America is a nation of miracles.

So maybe Pence thinks the virus really will just "disappear," which is the Trump fantasy Biden was talking about.

Pence acknowledged that right now, America is "passing through a time of testing," but not too much testing, since if you don't test, the virus goes away, and that's why this week the CDC announced it will limit testing of people who haven't developed symptoms.

Those are not the tests Pence meant anyway. He was talking about all the looting and violencing in American cities, without actually mentioning the reason people are protesting in the first place. He invoked rioting in Kenosha, Wisconsin, without mentioning the shooting of Jacob Blake, and without mentioning that a rightwing 17-year-old Trump fan shot and killed two protesters in Kenosha, and gravely wounded one more. But since Law N Order is what the campaign has decided to focus on, that's all Pence had to go with. Heck no, he certainly didn't mention that professional sportsball players are striking in protest of police violence. In short, because there have been protests and some riots — sorry, entire cities burned to the ground like Dresden — during Donald Trump's term, you should be very afraid of Joe Biden, who will not keep you safe.

We can think of nearly 180,000 people Trump didn't keep safe.

Still, we can at least agree with Pence's summary of what this election is about. He said, "The choice in this election is whether America remains America."

With Trump and Pence running things, it probably won't, so good job, pal, we'll go with the guy who isn't selling the place to the highest bidders. Put that in your dawn's early light and smoke it.

[NYT transcript / Business Insider]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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