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Several months ago Rahm Emanuel left his post in the House of Representatives and temporarily abandoned his ambitions to become the first nine-and-a-half-fingered Speaker of the House in order to crack skulls for Barack Obama. Today, the specialest of all special elections determines who will "fill his seat."


The contenders: some insane Free Republic commenter whom even Freepers find offensive, and a Democrat named Mike Quigley. Quigley will obviously win, because he is a Democrat in a heavily Democratic district, the end. But stay tuned! Rosanna Pulido may yet summon an army of swamp zombies to devour any human who goes near a voting booth, which would hand her the election by default.

Quigley favored to replace Emanuel in Congress [AP]

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DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen's week is going so great, she's earned herself one of Wonkette's prize-winning GO FUCK YOURSELFS! (Prize awarded to Wonkette by Wonkette.)

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No, the Daily Mail didn't fake up an AP photo of Melania Trump wearing a Zara jacket this morning with a graffiti-style scrawl "I Don't Really Care, Do You?" on her way to the border to learn that the children are very HAPPY in their new NOT SHELTER, A HOME!


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