Extra Extra! Get Your 2015 Barack Obama State Of The Union Liveblog Here!
It's that time of year again: when your wussy liberal islamocommunofascist pals gather round the Wonkette hearth and trade googly-heart-eyes for "President" Barack ("Mom") Obama. Will he announce Obamaphones for some and FEMA camps for the rest? Here's fucking hoping.
Come on in and don't forget to hit "refresh" on your browser a whole bunch of times to see if we have wrote new stuff at ya. Taking the first shift will be me, your Editrix, Rebecca Schoenkopf. As I am currently four months swole with child, this liveblog will be stupid and boring and not at all shitfaced, which is a pretty bad precedent to set for whichever besotted bloogers come later, but if they're not going to stand up to my sober peer pressure of turgid, bourgeouis, sober sobriety, that's on them.
Away we go!
While we are waiting for our Bamz, our beloved, our dad-jeans-/mom-jeans-wearing soulmate of looooove, let's see what the Twitter has waiting for us!
"Deportables"! My goodness! How very Indian caste system, which as we all know is the intellectual and moral foundation of the American Dream. Way to American, you Steve King you!
Are they ... are they trolling us? Because as we recall from last time Mssr. Obamz went for Halloween dressed as an insurance agent, it WAS NOT A GOOD LOOK. Kaili says she can't decide whether she hopes they're trolling or whether he is actually going to come out in that ghastly suit, which not only is a day suit but MAKES HIM LOOK SALLOW. In fact, that suit is so bad, it makes Joni Ernst's "look ima combat veteran ladeeee watch your balls yeehaw" fuck-yr-mom-pumps look ... well, better than the suit anyway.
Fucking twitter we are done with you. When Bamz coming out?
Oh, right about now?
He is either going to SOTU or pick up some beers, whichever.
Here is some John Kerry and some Eric Holder and ... outgoing (Republican) Secretary of War Chuck Hagel? Is he allowed to be here? I thought we FEMA camped that guy FOR SURE. Booo, Barack Hussein Obama. Let's see some bloodlust pls.
Oh look, "people." All the people except Alito we guess, he is very Sensitive that the august, above-criticism Court was called-the-fuck-out that once, and that the shades of Pemberley have been thus polluted. Meh fart belch whatever.
John Boehner introduces the "president" and does not even punch him in the face, RINO. If Obama turns to Boehner and says, "Hands Up, Don't Shoot" I think he will win the night.
Barack Obama would like a LITTLE THANKS for rescuing the economy and making it all kick-ass and stuff (except if you are in poverty, sadface) and the best since 1999 and gas prices ($1.72 today in Montana, what even the fuck?) and DID HE MENTION OBAMACARE HENGHHHH???? Is a little THANKS OBAMA too much to ask?
Did you have "strong" in the SOTU betting pool? Good, then you are not A Idiot.
Good god, the story of "the couple with the hard times" is like three times longer than The Hobbit. "The construction industry dried up." "She got student loans." "This is Bessie Smith. Miss Smith is America." Good fucking god where is my liquor.
Bamz gonna veto the shit out of you, GOP, if you try to take our health care away -- undoubtedly one of those "free things" Bobby Jindal was talking about, which is definitely true for those of us who don't actually get any subsidies on the Obamacare exchange, we JUST GET THE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY INSURANCE we couldn't obtain for love or money before! Stupid us, having bodies that things have been wrong with. Anyway, Professorski Warrenovna got to her feet for that one, buy a cup!
Here comes some class-warrin'! And that is Barack Obama smacking Sarah Palin and all other Stay-At-Home-Moms in the face (WITH HIS PENIS) by saying there should be universal childcare. Obviously, what he means by this is that moms are worthless and should die.
Now Bamz would like to raise the minimum wage, because you can't raise a fambly on $15k a year -- but he is ignoring our conservapals' strawman that minimum wage jobs are for high school students. Because you have noticed how all the fast food restaurants close down from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. while the children are in school, right? Why is Obama ignoring The Truth?
Oooooh, now THAT is some free stuff! Free community college, fuck yeah! (Or, if you live in Germany, "free college." Fucking Nazis and shit.) Yes, free stuff for everyone please, Bobby Jindal, because we don't know if you heard, but A Rising Tide Lifts All Boats.
Oh, we added more jobs than Europe, Japan, Pluto, the rest of the universe, and Texas combined? We're sure Mitch McConnell knows whom we should thank.
Oh oh oh, INFRASTRUCTURE SPENDING and MY BALLS ARE IN AN UPROAR AND SO IS HALF THE JOINT SESSION. I FUCKIN LOVE INFRASTRUCTURE SPENDING. A bridge in Cincinnati fell down today, the more you know!
Here is the "blah blah blah science" portion of the SOTU. It is very popular with the nerds hooked up by their nipples to the MSNBC electro-nipple dials. Oooh, maybe John McCain will call for a #WarOnMars?
Dok reminds us that the House Science Committee dissents on the value of your so-called "science."
Blah blah blah terrorism. Let's take this time instead to finally put in a picture of Bamz looking FOIN, because our "media library" has been glurgy all night, but oui, she es trabajadoring now! (Sorry, we don't care about terrorism, because we don't run around being afraid of stuff all the time. We know. We suck.) Anyway, here, have some mmmmmmm.
"My name is Barack Obama, and I love tongue-kissing Fidel Castro. It is just one more thing, in addition to being born at Kapiolani Hospital, that I have in common with Editrix's mom."
On climate change, I should not be LOLing? Because climate change, like feminism, ISN'T FUNNY? And yet! "I've heard some folks try to dodge the evidence by saying 'I'm not a scientist.' [...] Well, I'm not a scientist either. But you know what? I know a lotta really good scientists, at NASA and NOAA, and our major universities! And the best scientists in the world are all telling us we are gonna be SO FUCKED GUYS." Direct quote.
The 'one planet we've got,' Nobama? How can you claim the mantel of civility when you say such unkind digs at Mitt Romney?
Guys, I gotta go eat something (drugs). Here's Doktor Zoom to ZOOM at ya, byeeeee.
Barry's gone and blockquoted his own 2004 Democratic convention speech, and he STILL BELIEVES. Surely we can agree that a reduced teen pregnancy rate is a good thing, and that everyone should vote, can't we? Surely we can empathize with both cops and with black parents, or at least with cops, right? Darn it, he's making a very poor case for cynicism.
Oh, Barry was ready for the applause at "I have run my last campaign" -- "I know, I won both of 'em." HEY-OOOHHHHH!
Barack Obama Wins the State of the Union, period.
And it's another callback to both the 2004 not just red states and blue states, but the United States, plus a hat tip to the "black lives matter" slogan, minus the "black." And Barry closes by saying either "Let's start the world right now" or maybe that was "I am the greatest of all time, fuck you haters," we missed it because the phone rang.
And that is all the State of the Unioning; now it will be time for a brand new post, with Alex Ruthrauff liveblooging Joni Ernst as she castrates America!
Oh, here! Have some embed! It will stay at the bottom of this post as you keep refreshing -- REMEMBER TO REFRESH -- by some sort of WIZARDING MAGICKS!
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.