F*ck Mike Pence And The Cross He Rode In On

Mike Pence spoke for the convocation at Liberty University this weekend, where a stunning 21,000 graduates are being released into the world with degrees that, while they might technically be valid, may not be worth the paper they're printed on in a lot of fields. And unto the 8,000 who attended the convocation he didst deliver a rousing message! Sure, it wasn't Oh, the Places You'll Go! but if you're a brainwashed snowflake-y gay-hatin' Bible beater, it landed well.

But it was more than that, though. Pence just wanted those kids to know that they are going to be persecuted to death for their beliefs, because there is nothing more whiny-ass than a white fundamentalist Christian who doesn't understand why the entire world hasn't conformed to what they believe is God's image.

Those with degrees from the private evangelical Christian university in Lynchburg, Va., may likely face a unique obstacle in their post-grad lives, Pence said — being "shunned or ridiculed for defending the teachings of the Bible."

"Some of the loudest voices for tolerance today have little tolerance for traditional Christian beliefs," Pence, who is an evangelical Christian, told the roughly 8,000 graduates at the ceremony. "As you go about your daily life, just be ready because you're going to be asked not just to tolerate things that violate your faith, you're going to be asked to endorse them. You're going to be asked to bow down to the idols of the popular culture."

Oh fuck you.

It's pretty clear that Pence is still so mad at Big Gay Pete Buttigieg, who has been running circles around Pence's dumb ass, explaining that "being a Christian" and "being an unreconstructed bigot" need not be synonymous. Buttigieg has been pretty successful at claiming the moral high ground over Mike "I Was Willing To Ruin Indiana's Economy Because Homogays Make Me Uncomfortable" Pence. He's probably also still upset about that hot gay figure skater who wouldn't have lunch with him at the Olympics.

Pence continued to whine:

"Throughout most of American history, it's been pretty easy to call yourself Christian," Pence said Saturday. "But things are different now."

Oh fuck you.

Though Americans are becoming less religious -- which is happening everywhere in the developed world -- 70.8 percent of Americans still consider themselves Christian. That's a super-majority. But as we noted, Pence is doing that thing all intellectually and spiritually malnourished bigots do, conflating "being a Christian" and "being an out and proud hatemonger," and he's right -- it is getting harder to do that in America, despite all the best efforts of the Trump administration.

Losers like Pence cling to Bible verses where Jesus says people will hate His followers because they hate Jesus, and they interpret it to mean that when they suffer consequences for BEING BIGOTS, that they must be doing the righteous thing, because JESUS SAID! Strangely, they never notice that Jesus never followed those statements up with, "Therefore you have free license to treat people like shit and take away their rights and kick your gay kids out of your home and whatever else your little pockmarked trashbag fuckhead asses feel like doing that day." That just wouldn't be a very Jesus-y message.

Pence continued by assuring those little Westboro acolytes-in-training that he and Orange Shitdaddy in the White House have their backs:

"I'm proud to report our administration has already taken decisive action to protect religious liberty," he said. "We will always stand up for the right of Americans to live, to learn and to worship God according to the dictates of their conscience."

As long as they worship God exactly the way Mike Pence does and hate the same people he hates.

Hey look, "Morning Joe" made a video of Pence talking about religious freedom and spliced it together with Donald Trump inciting violence against Muslims. Why? NO REASON, OBVIOUSLY.

Have we said "Oh fuck you" to Mike Pence yet? Let's say it again!

Liberty graduates shouldn't see this as a message about standing up for their faith, but as more of an object lesson about what happens if you grow up to be like Mike Pence. What ye sow, ye shall reap, and when the primary exercise of your so-called "faith" is to wield it as a weapon against people YOU believe you're better than, or holier than, according to your fucked up third grade bigot reading of The Book, then your faith is hollow and ridiculous and you deserve to be mocked for it, especially when said "faith" is being used to hurt others.

Also, Mike Pence calls his wife "Mother." Like, to her face. Dudes who do that? GONNA GET MOCKED.

Should people like Pence be discriminated against? Of course not. But for Christ's sake (literally) the only stories of "persecution" these useless troll people have is whining about "I was FORCED to bake cakes for people who suck dick different from how I do it!" "I was FORCED to fill a prescription for LADY SLUT PILLS, who do they think I am, a pharmacist?" This is not discrimination. This is living in Big Boy and Big Girl America, where sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do, if those things are part of our job responsibilities. All gay-hatin' and woman-hatin' Christians would do well to remember that if their Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs (About Hating Gays and Women) interfere with their abilities to perform their jobs, they are absolutely free to pursue different lines of work, in fields they're better qualified for. (And yes, we are saying that if you need an exemption from doing part of your job because you think Jesus will roast you on a spit in hell if you do your whole job, then you are unqualified to work in that field.)

For instance, they could become Christian clowns and work for Christian clown ministries, and they can HONK HONK! about how God hates fags with their funny clown noses.

Which seems an appropriate way to end this post, since it's all about Mike Pence doing the graduation speech for a great big clown college in Virginia. HONK HONK!

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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