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Everybody put on your favorite magic Mormon underpants, because it's time to go to Utah and let somebody what is not your lawfully covenant temple-married spouse RIP THEM OFF AND THROW THEM INTO THE GREAT SALT LAKE, because the governor of Utah has legalized all the fucking, even with people you are not wedded to. That's right, Romney family! You guys can do extracurriculars if you want now!

(Remember, Mittens, it's not the size of the car that counts, but the motion of the car elevator!)

So first there was HB40, which legalized sodomy and adultery in Utah. (See? EXTRACURRICULAR BUTT STUFF, Romneys! It will be your favorite!) And then there was SB43, which legalized fornication. And Utah Governor Gary Herbert signed 'em all!


Of course, all of this is a slippery slope to human-animal hybrids and Mormon prophets marrying their very own seer stones, and you know what else is gonna be a slippery slope? Park City and the entire Silicon Slopes metropolitan area, after tumescent Utahns fuck all over it.

Of course, it's not like these laws were enforceable in the first place -- Lawrence v. Texas struck down sodomy laws nationwide in 2003 -- so it's not like a hot cop was gonna show you his nightstick if you got randy after taking the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's Christmas performance of "O Come, All Ye Faithful" li'l bit too literally.

There were, of course, total asshole legislators who really think it's their job to stick Mormon God inside your underpants to act as a hall monitor, like GOP state Rep. Kevin Stratton of Orem, who said, "What is legally [sic] is often far below what is morally right," and that he "recognize[s] our laws are not strong enough to rule a immoral people." So listen up, Utahns, when you're in the bone zone tonight, instead of singing the Brigham Young University fight song as per tradition while you are 'gasming ("Rise and shout, the Cougars are out!"), just yell Kevin Stratton's name real loud, because fuck him.

In summary and in conclusion, and in honor of Utah's newfound freedom of toe curling, the Utah Jazz basketball team has been renamed the Utah Jizz, because "Jazz" never made any fucking sense in the first place once the team moved out of New Orleans, OK?

Look, it's your TGIF OPEN THREAD!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

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We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)

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