Facebook Stock Tanked Because It SUCKS

Pour one out for Zuck, who's having a bad day. In fact, he's having a bad few months, ever since we all looked at his stupid cartoon video and said, "Uh, no thanks, guess we'll stay in our houses on Zoom forever." Good thing he can make his avatar look cheerful as ever in the metaverse!

Facebook, ughhhh fine Meta, released its quarterly earnings report yesterday, and it was not great, Bob. The company is still raking in billions on ads, although not as many billions as expected, with the first quarter of 2022 off to a rocky start. But more importantly, the social media megalodon actually saw monthly user numbers fall for the first time in the company's history. The stock is in free fall today, down 26 percent as of this writing.

We're not mad that Mark Zuckerberg's net worth declined by $29 billion in a day — if you can take a $29 billion hit and have it not affect your standard of living, then you probably should. But we're not here to gloat about Facebook's shareholders losing $200 billion, because those are real people, and it's not a joke. And we're certainly not going to opine on the company's valuations, which is way outside our wheelhouse. We're just glad that people are finally logging off that hellsite, which is bad for Planet Earth.

Facebook KNOWS WHAT IT DID in 2016. But since then, the site has fueled the growth of white nationalists, QAnon, and anti-vaxxers, spread insane conspiracy theories about the 2020 election, and allowed its platform to be used to organize everything from the Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville to the January 6 Capitol Riot. And, oh by the way, it's destroying a free and independent press, too.

And that's just on our little island. The UN has documented Facebook's role in spreading hate speech that led to the Rohingya genocide in Myanmar, and Facebook's own internal auditors documented the ways its platform was used to foment violence against Muslims in India. Was anyone surprised when whistleblower Francis Haugen revealed that Facebook suppressed anti-government content in Vietnam on the logic that it was better for the country as a whole to have access to the bounteous wonders of Zuck's endless money machine? Did you even bat an eye when she revealed internal documents demonstrating that the company knowingly contributes to body dysmorphia in impressionable teenagers on Instagram because it makes them money? Of course not. Because we know the company is a danger to all living things.

So, yeah, we're not mad that the company's growth has stagnated and it's no longer able to count on users in Africa and Latin America to fuel its endless growth. Hell, no, we will not be putting on those stupid VR goggles and allowing those rapacious predators to climb straight into our brain holes. And neither will anyone else, considering the virtual reality division lost $3.3 billion in the last quarter of 2021 alone.

And we're not rooting against the stock market, but ... if the market wants to kick this company in the Metaface, that is A-OKAY.


[WaPo / Heisenberg Report]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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