Family Values Guy Says Hillary Clinton Is Too Ugly To Be President, Guess That's That
Wingnut dickbag douchebreath Don Feder, former opinion "writer" from The Boston Herald and now of the "family values" group World Congress of Families, took a break from whining about The Gay and how the Jewishes suck at Jewing and could really learn from Pat freakin' Robertson how to be better at that, to explain why Hillary Clinton -- or, as he cleverly and values-y-ly calls her, "Hitlery" -- will not be president. Everyone don your hazmat suit, and then let's dive into his pool of pixelated vomit:
Think Evita after Botox treatments. Think Madame Defarge on a bad hair day. Think Lady Macbeth with serious issues ("Out, out, damned bimbo!").
To listen to the babbling heads, you'd think the Goldwater girl-turned-Alinsky-disciple could start preparing her acceptance speech (maybe Eleanor Roosevelt will help her write it). "Ooh, she'll raise so much money." "Ooh, women want a woman president." In the immortal words of General Anthony McAuliffe: "Nuts!"
Win the White House? Hillary couldn't win a popularity contest if she was the only contestant.
Well, fuck us with a splintered broomstick, we are already convinced. But what the hell, let's speed-skim over his reasons why Clinton is "more likely to become a Victoria's Secret lingerie model than the next president," for our self-loathing amusement.
1. The Bucking-The-Tide Factor
Voters like change, but not the hope-and-change kind of change, the regular kind where they "get antsy" after one party holds the White House for too long, except for when St. Ronald Reagan was president, because Americans loved the crap out of him SO hard:
Voters wanted to give Reagan a third term – plus, the Democrats nominated someone so pathetic that even a weenie like George H.W. Bush could beat him. Governor Dukakis, the Democratic nominee, was so clueless that he thought revealing that he was a "card-carrying member of the ACLU" would help him to connect with Middle America.
So as long as Clinton does not tell anyone she supports civil liberties, maybe she'll do OK? Bad news for Rand Paul, though. Next?
2. The Scandal-Rama Factor
If you Google Clinton, you find a whole bunch of stuff on the internet about her, and some of it is not very nice, even the stuff that is not written by Don Feder. Stuff like "BENGHAZI!!!!" and "Travel-gate."
The key to electing Democratic presidents is not to have the candidate around long enough for his past to catch up with him – witness Clinton 1992 and Obama 2008.
Hey, you know what else you can learn on the Google? That "Clinton 1992" and "Obama 2008," despite their pasts catching up with them, whatever that means, both won their elections. Twice. Each. Next?
3. The Way-Past-the-Expiration-Date Factor
Clinton has been "in power" for about 137 years, and who wants that in a president? (Shut up, John McCain, no one's talking to you.)
One way or another, she's been in power for almost a quarter century – eight years as First Lady/Co-President, 8 years in the Senate, and 4 years as Secretary of State (after president, the most important office in the executive branch). It'll be a gas to see how the spin doctors create the New Hillary. She's tan, rested and ready?
What a fail. Everybody knows the most important office IN THE WORLD is sheriff of some podunk county, preferably in Arizona. Next?
4. The Elitism Factor
Hillary Clinton is totes a snob because Don Feder says so. Also, he heard it from some guy:
A friend met Bill Clinton at a political function after he left the presidency. He said that when the ex-president spoke with him, he made him feel that he was the most important person in the room. The attitude Hillary projects with strangers is "What the hell am I doing in a room with this schmuck?
Yeah, too dumb to touch. Next?
5. The Ideology Factor
Hillary Clinton is "outrageously" radical, even though she is "not as rabid as Elizabeth Warren, but who is?" We humbly request that Feder immediately inform the progressive groups trying to draft Warren because they think Clinton is far too hawkish and cuddly with Wall Street. They'll be pleasantly surprised and reassured. Next?
6. The Meanness/Anger Factor
Don Feder thinks Hillary Clinton is a bitch. Also a "middle-aged feminist." Yawn. Next?
7. The Zipper Factor
Sex. Sexy sexytime sex. So much sex. Bill Clinton. Sex. Bill Clinton doing sex. ALL KINDS OF SEX!
The latest escapade to come to light: In court filings, a woman claims that in 2001, she was an underage "sex slave" on an island owned by a Clinton-donor that the ex-president visited. The best his defenders can come up with is, "Well, she doesn't say Bill had sex with her." She also doesn't say he had a threesome with a cheerleader and a clown.
We'd give you a link to this scintillating "latest escapade" except there isn't one. Maybe Feder heard it from that same friend who met Bill Clinton that one time. Next?
8. The Night-of-the-Long-Knives Factor
Some Democrats don't like Hillary Clinton. This is actually true. It is also irrelevant, unless every single one of them refuses to vote for her, which we do not think will happen, even if "Obama, Biden, Secretary of State John Kerry" do not like her. Next?
9. The Oh-Stop-You're-Killing-Me Factor
She says things that aren't merely stupid, but laughable.
Since every other presidential contender says only smart and serious things, this is probably the nail in the coffin of Clinton's campaign. But, wait, there is one more reason "Hitlery" will not be president. Drumroll please ...
10. The Hideousness Factor
Oh, right. Hillary Clinton is ugly. Hideous, even. We have never heard that before. How new. How different. How refreshing. How utterly persuasive. How family values.
Lyndon Baines Johnson was the last profoundly ugly candidate to be elected president, and he was a legacy of the martyred JFK.
Yes, we all remember what a hot stud of a president Richard Nixon was. Swoon! But Hillary Clinton is no Dick Nixon, is she?
Voters don't want a leader who looks frazzled or frumpy. We're told that Lincoln was too homely to be elected president in an age of television and paparazzi. But Lincoln's homely face had a dignity, a gravitas. If nothing else, we want a face that reassures us, not one that scares us, a la Night of the Living Alinskyites.
Whew! We made it through the list, and now who among us is not convinced that Hillary Clinton might as well call it quits now? Besides all of us.