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Fancy Flying John Boehner Not Subject To Death Porn Tubes Or Pat-Downs

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Yes, the government of the United States of America does have to rub down your child's genitals before he or she boards an airplane, because American toddlers are constantly being moved by their religious and political convictions to blow up large modes of transportation. But what about John Boehner?Nah, he's fine. We don't need to check him at all, much less make him go through even a metal detector. "Mr. Boehner, who was wearing a casual yellow sweater and tan slacks, carried his own bags and smiled pleasantly at passengers who were leaving the security checkpoint inside the airport terminal. It was unclear whether any passengers waiting in the security line, including Representative Allen Boyd, a Florida Democrat who lost his re-election bid, saw Mr. Boehner." Like everything the TSA does, this absurd anecdote makes a lot of sense.


Representative John A. Boehner, soon to be the Speaker of the House, has pledged to fly commercial airlines back to his home district in Ohio. But that does not mean that he will be subjected to the hassles of ordinary passengers, including the controversial security pat-downs.

Right, John Boehner would never do anything to hurt this country.

So if you happen to fly from D.C. to Ohio in the next few years, you may get a glimpse of this dark-skinned man bypassing security, unmolested, with whatever it is he's carrying under his sweater. You may feel he is a threat to security, or recognize him and feel he's taunting you for having to go through the damn invasive security measures he let happen to you, but you will probably not be doing either of those things, because you will be concentrating on trying not to get a boner (or lady-boner) while the nice TSA official rubs down your gonads.

So the only way to truly "opt-out" from this sort of thing is to be a presumptive or current Speaker of the House. Fine. Where do we sign up for that? [NYT]

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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