Fancy Flying John Boehner Not Subject To Death Porn Tubes Or Pat-Downs

Yes, the government of the United States of America does have to rub down your child's genitals before he or she boards an airplane, because American toddlers are constantly being moved by their religious and political convictions to blow up large modes of transportation. But what about John Boehner? Nah, he's fine. We don't need to check him at all, much less make him go through even a metal detector. "Mr. Boehner, who was wearing a casual yellow sweater and tan slacks, carried his own bags and smiled pleasantly at passengers who were leaving the security checkpoint inside the airport terminal. It was unclear whether any passengers waiting in the security line, including Representative Allen Boyd, a Florida Democrat who lost his re-election bid, saw Mr. Boehner." Like everything the TSA does, this absurd anecdote makes a lot of sense .

Representative John A. Boehner, soon to be the Speaker of the House, has pledged to fly commercial airlines back to his home district in Ohio. But that does not mean that he will be subjected to the hassles of ordinary passengers, including the controversial security pat-downs.

Right, John Boehner would never do anything to hurt this country.

So if you happen to fly from D.C. to Ohio in the next few years, you may get a glimpse of this dark-skinned man bypassing security, unmolested, with whatever it is he's carrying under his sweater. You may feel he is a threat to security, or recognize him and feel he's taunting you for having to go through the damn invasive security measures he let happen to you, but you will probably not be doing either of those things, because you will be concentrating on trying not to get a boner (or lady-boner) while the nice TSA official rubs down your gonads.

So the only way to truly "opt-out" from this sort of thing is to be a presumptive or current Speaker of the House. Fine. Where do we sign up for that? [ NYT ]