Farewell, Steve Bannon, You Malevolent Shit Monster! May You Stub Your Big Toe On Your Way Out!

Farewell to the 45th president of the United States. Preceded by Barack Obama, followed by General John Kelly.

GUYS, Maggie Haberman of the failing New York Timesbrings glad tidings better than Christmas and birthday sex and pizza, and it is that BYE STEVE BANNON! SEE YA WOULDN'T WANNA BE YA! DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YA WHERE THE GOOD LORD SPLIT YA! And various other spontaneous outbursts of jubilation!

President Trump has told senior aides that he has decided to remove Stephen K. Bannon, the embattled White House chief strategist who helped Mr. Trump win the 2016 election, according to two administration officials briefed on the discussion.

WHEEEEEEEE! Somebody gets eliminated on "Big Brother" every week, and the Trump White House is just the same, except for how Bannon won't get to sit down with Julie Chen and cry about how it all went so wrong.

The only people in this picture who still have their jobs are Donald Trump and Mike Pence. FOR NOW.

Bannon's crimes are many, and we're not just talking about his face.

Just this week, after Donald Trump refused to guarantee Bannon's job security during his yoooge Charlottesville press conference (the one where he talked about how some Nazis are just sweet as pie), Bannon called a reporter from the American Prospect and proceeded to contradict Trump publicly on North Korea policy, and to brag about how he was about to get all kinds of people fired, including the acting head of East Asian and Pacific affairs at the State Department. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson responded to that by parading that official, Susan Thornton, in front of TV cameras, in a not so subtle fuck you.

Bannon is reportedly insisting he submitted his resignation on August 7, and that it was going to be announced at the beginning of this week. Unfortunately, some Nazis (likely partially inspired by the work Bannon did for the "alt-right" Nazi movement during his tenure at Dead Breitbart!) decided to inflict murder and mayhem on Charlottesville, Virginia, so the news had to wait. If that's true, the American Prospect interview seems a bit like Bannon leaving a giant flaming poop bucket on Trump's doorstep on his way out.

To be honest, we're likely to believe that version of events, since Bannon was notably not invited on Trump's puss-grabbing Bedminster stay-cation. He also did not accompany Trump to Camp David for his big super-important Afghanistan meeting.

Bannon had reportedly been pissing Trump off for a while now, despite how they are racist sexxx soulmates. Trump has been telling everyone Bannon is the Leaker-In-Chief, most notably on issues related to the Breitbart war on National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster. There's that new Joshua Green book all about Bannon, which (in Trump's eyes) is totally stealing the president's thunder, even though we're certain it will be remaindered by the end of the month. And of course, there's the thing about how everybody and their Aunt Betty has been calling Bannon "President Bannon," implying that Bannon actually has his pock-marked fist up Trump's back slit, controlling his every presidential move like a foul, gin-soaked puppet master.

Oh yeah, and he called Jared Kushner a "cuck." YOU DON'T DO THAT! How many times do we have to 'splain that you DO NOT suggest that the president's daughter Ivanka Trump does Love Boners with black guys while Jared watches?

Of course, we would be remiss not to mention that these mofos never REALLY go away. When's the last time Corey Lewandowski's "I would be sexxxy except for my personality" face appeared on your TV? When's the last time Anthony Scaramucci's "I would be sexxxy except for literally everything" face was on your TV? That would be "last weekend" and "last weekend," at least that we recall. Did Paul Manafort really leave Donald Trump's campaign when he was quit-fired? PSHAW.


MSNBC reports that Bannon is "expected to return" to Breitbart. If so, what a great day for journalism that will be. If Bannon's departure means the John Kelly/Jim Mattis/H.R. McMaster wing (the "sane" wing, because literally our best hope in these American banana republic days is that a bunch of generals will engineer a coup) has won, will Bannon become a leader of the Trump resistance, but like, the weird one over there in that alternate Breitbart dimension called "Hell," where Donald Trump simply isn't enough of a white supremacist Hitler wannabe? Or will unfuckable garbage troll Stephen Miller and fake doctor/real Nazi Sebastian Gorka retain enough influence over Trump to keep Bannon at bay? WHO CAN SAY!

Regardless, Trump's racist "alt-right" Nazi base, the one that masturbates to pictures of a green frog named Pepe, is going to LOSE ITS FUCKING MARBLES over this. You wanna see Trump approval ratings in the 20s? We'll go ahead and pencil that in for next week!

Anyway, FAREWELL STEVE BANNON, you disgusting fucking piece of shit. If Breitbart doesn't work out, there's always meth.

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[New York Times]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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