FBI Obviously In The Tank For Dirty Email Criminal Hillary Clinton

We done yet? For real, we done yet?

Hot mess zebra twats like H.A. Goodman and Donald Trump have been waiting for the day when the whole presidential campaign changes, when the FBI concludes its investigation of Hillary Clinton's emails and reveals that they are the gateway to a ginormous criminal conspiracy involving Benghazi, state secrets, Vince Foster's death, the Holocaust and probably the KFC Double Down and the McRib. At which point, in this sexxx fantasy, Hillary will go to jail forever and either Trump or Bernie will become president.

Unfortunately for those guys, and we hate to break this to them, but ...

Some of Hillary Clinton's closest aides, including her longtime adviser Huma Abedin, have provided interviews to federal investigators, as the FBI probe into the security of her private email server nears completion, U.S. officials briefed on the investigation tell CNN. The investigation is still ongoing, but so far investigators haven't found evidence to prove that Clinton willfully violated the law the U.S. officials say.

Nothing?! What do you mean, investigators "haven't found evidence"? Have they even read Haha Goodman's epic sex poem about how Hillary is guilty of all the things? It's in his diary, and that's all the proof anybody should need!

And who are these "officials" CNN is quoting? PFFFFFT probably "officials" who are in the tank for Hillary, that's who. They are part of the conspiracy!

The FBI still has to interview Hillary, and maybe just maybe they will waterboard her and she will admit to all the crimes, and maybe even reveal the secret name of the lady demon who actually controls her, and picks out her pantsuits and DVRs "The Good Wife" for her! (Uh, about that, didn't that blockquote just say Huma has already been interviewed? God, pay attention.)

And as we saw during the Benghazi hearings, if you're looking for Hillary to crack under pressure when she's in the hot seat, you're barking up the wrong pussy willow tree. Was it because she secretly did the Benghazi murders and laughed about it while she was home alone THE WHOLE NIGHT, and is such a criminal mastermind that she will never reveal all the awful things she does in her every waking moment?

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/601217/pentagon-officially-sick-of-your-benghazi-sht"></a>[/wonkbar]Or was it that she actually didn't do anything criminal or evil as regards Benghazi? Dumbass Rep. Trey Gowdy is SO SURE he's going to find something as he wraps up the five-millionth Benghazi investigation, but Gowdy is a dead-eyed dumbfuck, and the Pentagon is sick and tired of being sick and tired of his annoying, pointless investigation.

And truly, almost certainly, that's the case with this stupid fucking email "scandal."

You may have heard the old adage, "Where there's smoke, there's usually fire." And that is a good adage sometimes! But there is another less-famous adage at play here, and it is "Where there's smoke, it's usually leaking out of the empty rectum holes of dead-ender losers who are just pretty sure Hillary did all the bad things, but they can never actually find her doing the bad things, but anyway, that is where that fart-flavored smoke is coming from." (It's a long adage, and real hard to cross-stitch, which is why it probably never caught on.)

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/586232/hillary-clintons-emails-are-sexplosion-of-benghazi-lies-betrayal-and-glamour-shots"></a>[/wonkbar]The only thing anybody's ever been able to prove about either Clinton is that Slick Willy got his dick wet in an intern's mouth, and then the dumbfuck lied about it. Not his best moment! And this email thing? It's been a fucking nothing-burger from the get go.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/601201/dear-salon-set-your-dick-on-fire-and-eat-it"></a>[/wonkbar]The point, obviously, is that the FBI is part of the conspiracy and in the tank for Hillary. We'd suggest Salon get right on that story but we know that nutsack Walker Bragman probably submitted it to his editors five minutes ago.



Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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