We done yet? For real, we done yet?

Hot mess zebra twats like H.A. Goodman and Donald Trump have been waiting for the day when the whole presidential campaign changes, when the FBI concludes its investigation of Hillary Clinton's emails and reveals that they are the gateway to a ginormous criminal conspiracy involving Benghazi, state secrets, Vince Foster's death, the Holocaust and probably the KFC Double Down and the McRib. At which point, in this sexxx fantasy, Hillary will go to jail forever and either Trump or Bernie will become president.

Unfortunately for those guys, and we hate to break this to them, but ...

Some of Hillary Clinton's closest aides, including her longtime adviser Huma Abedin, have provided interviews to federal investigators, as the FBI probe into the security of her private email server nears completion, U.S. officials briefed on the investigation tell CNN. The investigation is still ongoing, but so far investigators haven't found evidence to prove that Clinton willfully violated the law the U.S. officials say.

Nothing?! What do you mean, investigators "haven't found evidence"? Have they even read Haha Goodman's epic sex poem about how Hillary is guilty of all the things? It's in his diary, and that's all the proof anybody should need!

And who are these "officials" CNN is quoting? PFFFFFT probably "officials" who are in the tank for Hillary, that's who. They are part of the conspiracy!

The FBI still has to interview Hillary, and maybe just maybe they will waterboard her and she will admit to all the crimes, and maybe even reveal the secret name of the lady demon who actually controls her, and picks out her pantsuits and DVRs "The Good Wife" for her! (Uh, about that, didn't that blockquote just say Huma has already been interviewed? God, pay attention.)

And as we saw during the Benghazi hearings, if you're looking for Hillary to crack under pressure when she's in the hot seat, you're barking up the wrong pussy willow tree. Was it because she secretly did the Benghazi murders and laughed about it while she was home alone THE WHOLE NIGHT, and is such a criminal mastermind that she will never reveal all the awful things she does in her every waking moment?

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Or was it that she actually didn't do anything criminal or evil as regards Benghazi? Dumbass Rep. Trey Gowdy is SO SURE he's going to find something as he wraps up the five-millionth Benghazi investigation, but Gowdy is a dead-eyed dumbfuck, and the Pentagon is sick and tired of being sick and tired of his annoying, pointless investigation.

And truly, almost certainly, that's the case with this stupid fucking email "scandal."

You may have heard the old adage, "Where there's smoke, there's usually fire." And that is a good adage sometimes! But there is another less-famous adage at play here, and it is "Where there's smoke, it's usually leaking out of the empty rectum holes of dead-ender losers who are just pretty sure Hillary did all the bad things, but they can never actually find her doing the bad things, but anyway, that is where that fart-flavored smoke is coming from." (It's a long adage, and real hard to cross-stitch, which is why it probably never caught on.)

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]The only thing anybody's ever been able to prove about either Clinton is that Slick Willy got his dick wet in an intern's mouth, and then the dumbfuck lied about it. Not his best moment! And this email thing? It's been a fucking nothing-burger from the get go.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]The point, obviously, is that the FBI is part of the conspiracy and in the tank for Hillary. We'd suggest Salon get right on that story but we know that nutsack Walker Bragman probably submitted it to his editors five minutes ago.



Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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