FBI Refuses To Imprison Hillary Clinton For Being History's Greatest Email Monster

Not in the tank for Hillary, he promises!

Uh oh, pisketti oh, it looks like all the hopes and dreams and thoughts and prayers of Hillary-hatin' Americans have failed to come true! FBI Director James Comey held a press conference Tuesday to announce that, now that he's had a chance to sit down with Hillary Clinton for three and a half hours and ask her what's up with all her emails about yoga and "The Good Wife," the FBI is not recommending to the Justice Department that Hillary be prosecuted.

Comey spent a good 10 minutes explaining in minute detail everything that went into the FBI's investigation. They read ALL of Hillary's emails -- the 30,000 she provided, and a bunch of others that the FBI found on its own. Comey said the FBI was not actually shocked to find emails Clinton hadn't turned over BECAUSE SHE IS THE EMAIL BEAST FORETOLD IN THE BIBLE because, "like many email users, Secretary Clinton periodically deleted emails, or emails were purged ... when devices were changed." Pffffft, like Grandma Hillary even knows where the "delete" button in her Hotmail is.

Comey's FBI found that yes, there were some emails that were "determined to contain classified information at the time they were sent or received." Many more were later "up-classified" as confidential. He even said Clinton and her team were "extremely careless" with certain information! HOWEVER AND BUT! He wasn't really indicting Clinton personally, but rather the "security culture of the State Department," which he said "was generally lacking in the kind of care for classified information that's found elsewhere in the United States Government." Bad State Department, bad!

Also HOWEVER AND BUT! and more importantly, Comey said the FBI "did not find clear evidence that Secretary Clinton or her colleagues intended" to violate any laws, and also no clear evidence that Hillary's server/s were ever successfully hacked.

So the FBI's verdict and recommendation is that, because they found no evidence that Hillary or her team willfully broke any laws, "no reasonable prosecutor" would bring criminal charges.

Comey reassured Americans that he is not #InTheTank for Hillary, saying that "this investigation was done honestly, competently, and independently."

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/603652/fine-loretta-lynch-has-better-things-to-do-than-read-hillarys-dumb-emails-anyway"></a>[/wonkbar]We can be fairly certain Loretta Lynch's Justice Department will follow Comey's recommendations, because that is what she said she would do last week, after she was caught red-handed looking at pictures of Bill Clinton's new grandbaby on the tarmac at the Phoenix airport.

So there you have it! Tough break for all of those clinging to the desperate belief that Hillary's campaign would be derailed when she was thrown in prison like a common devil criminal, paving the way for Donald Trump or Bernie or Jill Stein or that guy from Duck Dynasty to be president.

Oh look, who is having a butthurt with his thin-skinned mouth:

"Far less." Uh huh OK.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/603506/gop-benghazi-press-conference-basically-just-trey-gowdy-stepping-repeatedly-on-own-dick"></a>[/wonkbar]Anyway, this all comes just a mere handful of days after Trey Gowdy's insane, expensive, witch-hunty Benghazi investigation -- the EIGHTH ONE -- failed to turn up any kind of new, sexciting information which would prove once and for all that Hillary personally murdered four Americans from the safety of her house that fateful night in 2012. Either Hillary is the craftiest criminal in the history of the entire United States of the Universe, or maybe she is not a criminal after all.


Anyway, all the #ClintonScandals are over now (hahahahaha as if) and Hillary will be president of you very soon, good night and good luck with that.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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