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FBI STILL Can't Find Hillary's Evil Emails. Your Wonkagenda, Monday, November 7, 2016.
- FBI Director James Comey has found that Hillary Clinton didn't direct Benghazi terrorists from Anthony Weiner's laptop full of dick pics, so the FBI has decided not to seek charges against Hillary Clinton. In other news, James Comey's Nothing Burgers still taste like shit.
- Al Franken wants to investigate the investigators at the FBI for politicizing their investigation of Hillary Clinton's emails. I wonder what they'll find from the people whose job it was to find things that nobody else could find seeing as how we found that they had invented the findings they thought they found.
- A number of senior Democratic officials want their own investigation into why in the hell Rudy Giuliani knew about an FBI investigation before the FBI's announcement, so we'll see how America's Weasel squirms his way out of this one.
- Not to be outdone, Republicans in the House want to know why the LIBERAL MEDIA is so left leaning, and serving as a propaganda arm of the Democratic Party. Hillary Clinton told me to tell you in a secret email it's because "Republicans are mean and hate poor people, gay people, transgendered people, women, minorities, immigrants, Jewish people, Muslims, the lost city of Atlantis," and it goes on from there.
- While Donald Trump screams about voter fraud, he and the RNC have quietly employed a consulting company headed by a man who pleaded guilty on charges of destroying and altering voter registration forms in Florida four years ago. You see, magic is all about sleight of hand.
- A Republican protester was arrested at a Trump rally this weekend for trying to hold up a sign. Trumpkins see this as a clear assassination attempt of their Cheetos-covered race baiting vindicator who just wants to water our crops with sports drinks and sodas.
- You may have noticed fewer and fewer Trump tweets lately, and that's because Trump's campaign staff have taken his cellphone away. It's as if they don't trust him not to say something really embarrassing in the last few days of the campaign.
- Donald Trump doesn't know anything about computers, so he's whining about how the FBI can use them to see if Hillary Clinton's emails were on Anthony Weiner's portable porn machine.
- Trumpkin Trolls are continuing to spread false information on the interwebz. Their newest tactic is a fake ad campaign aimed at Democratic voters, extending elections to November 9, 2016. The classics never get old.
- Russian hacking attempts to disrupt elections will continue throughout the world as Putin seeks to offset power balances in European elections. Sadly, you should expect white pride bullshit to continue, and remember to go high when they go low. (Archive)
- Large protests have erupted in Hong Kong after China barred two pro-independence politicians from taking their seats in the legislature after they changed the language in their oaths of office to what some people considered an insult to China.
- Saying more evidence needs to be gathered, a federal judge delayed until December a suit by Democrats to hold the RNC in contempt for violating a 1982 court order not to enforce "ballot security" measures which kind of sucks considering Trumpkin crazies are already standing outside early voting polling places with firearms.
- Messican people are setting down their taco bowls to to vote early for Hillary Clinton, which is scaring the absolute crap out of Trumpkins in states like Nevada.
- Janet Reno died early this morning after complications related to Parkinson's Disease. She was the O.G. hardcore FIRST lady A.G. who wrestled alligators, domestic terrorists, and fought for children. Here's a flashback to when Will Ferrell portrayed her on SNL.
- A new alt-right conspiracy theory about a popular northwest D.C. bar known for its pizza punk shows and beer says the Comet Ping Pong's large sliding bathroom doors secretly hide Hillary Clinton's Satanic sex cult. Sadly, I've been to Comet many times and always left with my soul and sexy bits untouched.
- And here's your morning Nice Time, it's one last SNL Clinton/Trump skit to remind us all to get along, and love each other, and stuff!