FBI Says President Sundowner Full Of Shit (Again)

What's that loser squatting on the shitter on the third floor of the White House rambling and lying about today? Oh just everything. But if you've looked at his Twitter the past couple of days, it appears President Loser Farts is having some sort of psychotic break. He's losing all touch with reality -- like more than usual -- and claiming that NBC's Lester Holt somehow doctored the video of his famous interview where he admitted that he fired James Comey to obstruct justice in the Russia investigation.

But before that batfuckingcrazy tweet, there was THIS ONE:

What? How does one even respond? Most of the time when Trump tweets, we feel like we should tell him to focus on something more adult daycare-appropriate, like trying to color the flag correctly this time. But it turns out the FBI needed to respond to this one with facts:

In other words:

Dear President Sundowner,
Shut the fuck up and go stare at an eclipse.

But where the fuck did this come from? Oh, just the Daily Caller, which "sourced" this story, after which it snaked its way onto Fox News and then up inside the president's ass, where it is festering still.

Talking Points Memo notes that when the FBI closed its investigation of Hillary Clinton's emails, James Comey said they had found no evidence her server had been compromised, and adds that the Department of Justice IG report on the investigation said they were "fairly confident" that was the case.

Oh, but the Daily Caller found a thing! Because that is who finds stuff! The Daily Caller! JOURNALISM!

According to "two sources" who talked to the Daily Caller, a Chinese company totally hacked Hillary Clinton's server and emailed all Hillary's emails to themselves, while she was sending them, and the truth is out there IF YOU CAN EVEN HANDLE THE TRUTH, and one heroic congressman has been trying to sound the alarm on this but nobody's paying attention, EEEEEEEEEEEKGHAZI!!!!!!!!11111!!

Here is that congressman:

JFC, are we really writing this right now?

The Intelligence Community Inspector General (ICIG) found that virtually all of Clinton's emails were sent to a "foreign entity," Rep. Louie Gohmert, a Texas Republican, said at a July 12 House Committee on the Judiciary hearing. He did not reveal the entity's identity, but said it was unrelated to Russia.

Uh huh, OK. According to "two sources," Louie Gohmert started yelling dementia words during a House hearing, and those "two sources" say Gohmert's dementia words were totally legit.

But wait, doesn't the president have opinions on anonymous sources?

You first, Mr. President!

Tracing this story back to the fever swamp from which it came, we end up with literal fake news website True Pundit, which was recently exposed as a disgruntled ex-journalist who hates the FBI named Michael A. Moore. (We dunno if Daily Caller's "two sources" were "True" and "Pundit," because they're "anonymous," LOL!!)

Let BuzzFeed explain:

Days after former FBI lawyer Lisa Page testified in a closed-door meeting with the House Oversight and Government Reform and House Judiciary committees, pro-Trump website True Pundit published an explosive — and false — report about what she said.

The article cited anonymous "well-placed FBI sources" to claim Page revealed that Chinese hackers had accessed Hillary Clinton's private server, stolen her emails, and intercepted hundreds of top secret documents including even the president's daily schedule — and that the FBI knew about it and did nothing.

In response, Page's lawyer spoke publicly to say the story was unequivocally false. Even Republican Rep. Louie Gohmert — who has pushed the as-yet unproven claim that a foreign power "other than Russia" gained access to Clinton's server — disputed the story about Page. He told Fox News she "apparently didn't know" about anything related to China, directly contradicting True Pundit.

So it was a bullshit story, made up by a bullshit artist. Fast forward to now and Daily Caller has "two sources" who say it's been proven that China got 'dem sweet delicious Hillary emails, even though a few months back even Louie Gohmert was sort of pushing back on the story. Of course, Gohmert's name is still in the Daily Caller story, as if that lends it some sort of credibility. The Daily Caller, of course, doesn't mention the part about how even Gohmert told Fox News the True Pundit thing was li'l bit full of lies.

True Pundit has been responsible for such SEXCLUSIVE stories as Hillary Clinton and Lester Holt using secret hand signals to rig one of the 2016 debates; that Hillary Clinton's emails on Anthony Weiner's laptop featured a whole bunch of #Pizzagate stuff about Hillary doing sex with kids; and that Hillary Clinton wanted to direct a drone strike against Julian Assange, presumably from the comfort of her hot tub. In other words, it's just the kind of shit that passes as real journalism in the world of the Daily Caller and Donald J. Trump.

BuzzFeed explains a little more about Moore's methodology:

Paine [Moore's fake name] combines the use of a pseudonym with almost exclusive use of anonymous sources to establish the persona of a deeply connected reporter with a vast network of FBI, law enforcement, and government sources. As with the Page story, he adds false or conspiracy-filled claims to real events or documents in order to create the impression of being rooted in fact. And the retweets, traffic, and supporters have rolled in.

It's like QAnon, but for people who don't play with their poop every time they visit the toilet.

If you want to read BuzzFeed's full report, knock yourself out. If you're not interested in that, just know that the moral of this story is that the president's brain is broken and he believes whatever garbled shit Fox News tells him, even when it's been sourced all the way back to this motherfucking idiot Moore and laundered through the Daily Caller.

Props to the Daily Caller for including this statement from a Clinton spokesman in full, in which the Daily Caller was told to go fuck itself with the pointy end of Tucker Carlson's grand wizard hood, not that we're saying Tucker Carlson literally has one of those:

"This is the most combed over subject in modern American political history," Clinton spokesman Nick Merrill told TheDCNF. "The FBI spent thousands of hours investigating, and found no evidence of intrusion. That's a fact."

"But in an age where facts are alternative and truth isn't truth, it's no surprise that an outlet like the Daily Caller would try to distract us from very real and very immediate threats to our democracy brought by the man occupying the White House," he continued.

Everything is so stupid now.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Help Wonkette LIVE FOREVER! Seriously, if you can, please hit the tip jar below and make a donation of MONEY. Or click this link to become a monthly subscriber!

[Daily Caller / BuzzFeed]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc