Federal Reserve Lowers Rates On SPACE MONSTER INVASION CONCERNS
Washington is buzzing with another kind of immigration nut as hundreds of UFO nerds congregate at the National Press Club to demand, uselessly, that the Government 'fess up about the space monsters, while more than 70 actual astronomers gathered here to support the Arecibo Radio Telescope Observatory in Puerto Rico, which sent the Nixon-era message to the Extraterrestrials inviting them to invade our world and steal all the oil. Unless Congress keeps up funding for Arecibo, rogue FBI agents and space aliens could easily penetrate its defenses. Oh, and also, something from Outer Space just crashed in Peru and left a gaping hole in the ground and all the people are sick and vomiting from the Death Rays.
The Federal Reserve cut the overnight interest rate and the federal discount rate by a half percent, which will ultimately make the U.S. dollar worthless but stocks rallied on hopes the aliens will land in Europe or China first, which could delay the financial collapse of America.
Meanwhile, the Paradigm Research Group (?) held its big press conference at the National Press Club, which will literally let anybody rent the place out -- even John Murtha was allowed in there, at the same time the Paradigm Research Group announced its plans to hassle presidential candidates about the UFO Secrets.
According to Dana Milbank, who bravely scours D.C. event schedules looking for dumb shit to make fun of, the UFO believers aim to end the "government-imposed truth embargo on the facts confirming an extraterrestrial presence."
The astronomers are more concerned with "science" and "lobbying" but at the end of the day it's all about the same space monsters.
But the time for talk is likely over, as the shocking news from Peru means that grim day has finally arrived: when we have to tell our kids they won't live to see their next birthday, because the motherfucking E.T.s are here and they're going to kill everybody (unless we find some ridiculously easy way to kill them, like with a glass of water or a common Earth flu virus or a MacBook).
If AFP can be trusted -- remember the "F" stands for "France" -- some kind of alien vessel crash landed in a remote part of Peru. The villagers immediately became very ill from the stench.
Seven policemen who went to check on the reports also became ill and had to be given oxygen before being hospitalized, Lopez said.
Rescue teams and experts were dispatched to the scene, where the meteorite left a 100-foot-wide (30-meter-wide) and 20-foot-deep (six-meter-deep) crater, said local official Marco Limache.
"Boiling water started coming out of the crater and particles of rock and cinders were found nearby. Residents are very concerned," he said.
These things always happen in a remote part of some place like Peru, because real life has become a crappy Spielberg movie starring Tom Cruise as a very concerned astronomer lobbyist and Dakota Fanning as the Space Monster's love interest.
Anyway, here's the video from MSNBC. More than 600 people are sick from this thing. Jesus christ we're all gonna die -- we knew that already, of course, but it's kind of weird to realize Cheney isn't involved.
Or is he?
There's the Red Vote, the Blue Vote . . . and the Little Green Vote [Washington Post]