Jesse Kelly, the failed Arizona congressional candidate who thought he could take Gabby Giffords's former seat with a combination of word salad and support from white supremacists, has landed himself a sweet gig in the wingnuttosphere, where he writes columns for "The Federalist" -- the website founded and published by Meghan McCain's husband, Ben Domenech -- and recently started a very dumb Youtube channel. This week, his very creative mind brings us a fantasia on America's inevitable slide into socialism, and a vow that unlike lots of sheeple, he won't go down without taking some liberal scalps. He insists he means that metaphorically, which is why he begins by a detailed description of taking a human scalp:


Close your eyes and imagine holding someone's scalp in your hands. I don't mean cradling his skull as you thousand-yard-stare at his lifeless face. I mean a real scalp, Indian-style, of some enemy you just killed on the battlefield; somebody you hated and who hated you back.

You killed him, won the day, carved off the top of his skull, and now you're standing over him victorious on the now-quiet field of battle, with a quiet breeze blowing through your hair. Your adrenaline is still pumping with that primal feeling of victory and the elation of having survived when others didn't.

Mr. Kelly, we should note, proudly describes himself as a "Marine Corps combat veteran," although we're reasonably certain that literally scalping enemies was never part of the Rules of Engagement during the four years he was in the service. But like many keyboard warriors facing the socialist menace in America today, Kelly has a vivid imagination.

Kelly admits -- in a blood-soaked shell crater of double negatives -- that maybe you don't share this primal urge:

I'm not naive enough to think that less than 5 percent of those reading this are the only ones not cringing at that mental image. Amid our wealth and privilege, most Americans cannot even relate to that kind of violence, and they sure don't want to fantasize about it.

But golly, he sure wants us to think about it, although as we say, just as a metaphor. You see, kids, America is just about done, even with Donald Trump holding off the apocalypse for a little while. Government will always keep getting bigger, and that means LIBERTY will of course vanish, just as it has in, say, Communist Canada. We will all be murdered by socialism:

So, barring some unforeseen awakening, America is heading for an eventual socialist abyss. It is really only a matter of dates. Will we all die in the inevitable communist purges within ten years? Of course not. Will it happen within the next century or two? Almost certainly.

This is where we feel at least slightly compelled to note that purges tend not to kill everyone, which ought to be of some comfort. But perhaps we quibble. In any case, Kelly wants to rally his fellow lovers of liberty, so at least before the end, they can go down fighting, which is what the rest of the whole dumb piece is about, especially his foreknowledge that after he's racked up some kills, he'll be rewarded for the terrific job he did of fighting for the right:

Any man can coast through 80 years of a society at its pinnacle. His life will start and end, and it will be as if he never existed. Wouldn't you rather live through an era people write stories about? I want to have a smirk on my face as I walk through the pearly gates of heaven, shaking my head, and saying to myself, "What a life."

Jesus, you'll recall, was very big on rewarding those who smirk.

Then we get a long lesson about the genocide of Native America, the lesson of which is that tribes that attempted peaceful coexistence were pansies and suckers:

Some tribes, like the Choctaw, chose to play nice with the government in hopes that their peaceful gesture would be returned. They got a Trail of Tears for their kindness.

But some tribes, like the Lakota, chose a different path. They chose war.

Sure, they were all utterly destroyed too. But they went down fighting, like MEN.

Kelly sees a lesson in this for today: There can be no compromise with liberals, or even with insufficiently rightwing Republicans, because "The people who will micromanage every aspect of your life are not God-fearing conservatives. They are leftists, and they are vicious." The bloodletting is almost here:

They are not political opponents in the sense that you have a debate with them. These modern-day leftists want you to lose your job. They want to destroy you. How do you think they're going to treat you when they finally sit in the seat of power for good? So fight them tooth and nail. Make them long for the day when you're no longer fighting them. Be the Lakota.

Fortunately, Kelly notes, there aren't really many liberals in Republican clothing left after Trump's victory, because while communist purges are evil, rightwing purges are a purifying flame. Still, a few remain, and just like the Choctaw, they think there can be peace with the US Government, or maybe the Deep State. And now, time to talk about taking scalps, and darned if Kelly forgets to say he only means that metaphorically:

So, back to scalping thing. When you make that long trek to the reservation the leftists have set up for you—and make that trek you will—what memories do you want to take with you? When living in the liberal utopian nightmare of 57 genders and government control over everything in your life, you will want to have been a Lakota. You'll want to know, to remember, even just cherish the knowledge that, one day, you rode out onto the plains and made them feel pain.

Thank goodness there's no history of rightwing loonies deciding it's time to set off a literal new revolution by shooting some cops or blowing up a federal building, or some folks might get the wrong idea. We're a bit unclear what he thinks the metaphorical equivalent to taking the top of a liberal's head off would be, though.

We'd ask him, but we suspect he'd cleverly outmaneuver us like he did the reporter who tried to get him to answer questions about his white supremacist pals:



Like any Marine faced with The Enemy, he has nerves of steel.

Yr Wonkette is supported by reader donations. Please click here to drown us in money. Metaphorically, we hope, but we'll take our chances.

[The Federalist]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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